Weight Loss Battles

2009-06-16T10:56:00.003-04:00

Remember me saying something about being vigilant and good this past weekend at the Bar Mitzvah? Guess how well that went?

I can't say it was horrible, but it could have been better. When we arrived in Kingston, we got checked in at the hotel and went to Swiss Chalet for dinner figuring it was quick and easy and relatively decent compared to what we could have ordered. I had this chicken wrap thing with fries and we got an appetizer, which is something I don't usually do, these chicken stuffed spring rolls. They were quite good but obviously deep fried. Probably could have avoided that. Afterwards, we hit my mother's place for a visit and threw back a few beers, I managed to not snack which was nice for a change. But Red was having a chocolate craving and we agreed to hit the local Timmys for a donut and some cookies, which I had been wanting for a while now. On the way out, I looked at the bag and said to Red, "What the hell are we doing?" She reasoned that we weren't going to eat all the cookies that night and while she was technically correct, we could have done without any of it. For the record, I did have 2 or 3 cookies and finished them up Saturday night on the way home. Oy vey!

Saturday was the Bar Mitvah, a long (2 hours) and painful event which I thought was never going to end followed by a Kiddash lunch. The lunch was basically bread, something called Kugel which at first glance looked like a nice pasta dish, but was a gross mix of noodles and raisins and whatever else, various desserts, what I think was tuna salad, and some green salads. Not having the expanded pallet of my better half, I chose to ignore the Kugel, which Red did try and disliked, and ate bread and desserts. I know, not a good way to go but I was hungry and dinner wasn't going to be until after 6pm. I did enjoy these things that looked like toast points which I believe was for the tuna salad, if that's what it was, but they were greasy as if basted in butter or something so they probably weren't the best thing to eat either. I almost tried the tuna, but to be honest, if they could turn something that looked good at first glance like the Kugel into something grotesque, I didn't want to know what they'd do with the tuna, and I wasn't even sure it was tuna!

Dinner was good, chicken with veggies, dessert was sorbet and there were lots of other desserts available which I didn't take part in, instead spying some cheese pizza slices that were set out, probably for the kids. Add in a few more beers and another day that didn't go exactly as hoped.

Sunday we were basically back to normal and I made italian meatballs in mushroom soup with egg noodles for dinner. It was good and filling but we still ended up hitting the Baskin Robbins for a treat that night, another hurdle in the road. Monday I wasn't feeling great, not sick really, just no gas in the tank, so i chose to skip work and stay home. This is always bad as I'm a compulsive eater when sitting around the house and I managed to snack most of the day. For dinner, neither of us felt like cooking and both were wanting pizza, so guess what happened? Long story short, the past 3 days weren't an example of good choices but like I said, it could have been worse.

Today, I'm still feeling empty, my morning cardio was long and hard, my legs just felt like they were in cement. Tonight is Cardio Attack at the gym and we're going so hopefully the class atmosphere will pick me up. Mentally I'm down. I'm stressed about my job, unsure of my future, and feeling like I just want to roll over and die. I was feeling so good Friday after stepping on the scale and seeing 213lb, a full 7 down from almost 2 weeks before, but the weekend got the better of me and I still feel like I'd like to indulge in something. Thing is, I don't have anything in mind. I don't really want anything, I think its just my state of mind and old habits die hard.

Its Red's birthday Monday and we're busy this weekend. Friday we're visiting one of her aunts for the evening, normally an enjoyable experience as these people are fun and nice, but right now, I'm not in the mood. Saturday is the day I chose to celebrate her birthday by taking her out zip lining and for dinner at a restaurant she's been wanting to visit for a while now. But the weather looks like its going to be rainy and zip lining is probably going to suck if its coming down with any force. We had hoped that after dinner, we might hit the market for a couple of drinks but even that is up in the air now. So my enthusiasm for this event is being dimmed thanks to Mother Nature. Maybe we'll get lucky and it won't be too bad. Sunday her family is throwing her a party, so much for taking it easy and relaxing at all.

I thought I'd miss my grapes after not having them the last couple of weeks but I don't. Keeping busier in the evenings with these cardio classes has been helpful as by the time we're done and home ready to eat, there's not really any time to munch afterwards before its bedtime. I do find myself haunting the kitchen looking for something to munch on more than I'd like, but its been slim pickings and I prefer it that way. I just wish I felt better, makes keeping myself motivated a lot easier.

RIP triple triple

2009-06-11T11:12:00.002-04:00

I had a rude awakening the other day when Red and I were discussing calories and the problems with losing weight. I have a habit of not counting my coffee or tea in my daily calories because I thought coffee and tea were basically free with the exception of the sugar and cream or milk used in them. Since I don't use sugar in my hot beverage and the amount of cream I would use is what I considered negligible, I figured it wasn't hurting me. Boy was i wrong!

Half and half cream is a killer in the calories department, approximately 20 calories per tablespoon. And I know I use more than that in a cup of coffee or tea, probably the equivalent of 3 or 4 anyway raising the calorie count to 60 or 80 in addition to the few calories already existing in the beverage itself. So imagine my shock, and Reds, when we googled the calorie count of an extra large triple triple from Tim Hortons, God of all that is coffee in Canada, and realized it comes in at about 420! That's way more than 3 tablespoons of sugar and cream each in one cup. Go figure that a fast food place would find a way to increase the calorie count of something as simple as a cup of coffee. I guess if McDonalds and the like can make a salad upwards of a thousand calories then anything is possible.

Thinking about it, it makes sense. Replace the cream with milk and the coffee takes on a whole different taste, same when you cut or replace the sugar. Tim Hortons coffee is highly addictive and people who drink it love it. No wonder when it basically tastes like dessert, so sweet and rich. People are always saying they put something in the coffee to make it addictive, to me its just all the cream and sugar that makes it so good. I've had Timmys with Splenda and milk and its quite a different experience.

While i was sick a couple of years ago, I lost my taste for coffee and switched to tea with sweetener and milk. At work, I'd use cream in my tea because I do love the richness of it, but when I'd order a tea, I'd get milk. It has only been recently that i rediscovered my love of the triple triple and thankfully after only a couple of weeks, I've realized the truth about its calorie content. This would help explain some of Red's problems losing weight and mine for that matter. I was enjoying about 2 of these drinks a day so that's an additional 800 calories I wasn't accounting for! That's more than a pound a week! Now at work, I've switched to 1% milk in my tea, I'd prefer 2% at least, but the cafeteria doesn't seem to offer any middle ground here, its either half and half, 1% or skim.

So this change should yield results in the coming days. I stepped on the scale this morning just for a look and it read 215, the same as last Friday. I'm not concerned really, as I did drop 5lb last week and until Tuesday was still enjoying those 400 calorie coffees. I'm still in the gym first thing in the mornings and taking a cardio class roughly 4x a week in the evenings so things have to keep going down I'd think. I did screw up a bit last night at dinner, we had a couple pieces of steak leftover from the weekend that needed to be eaten so I enjoyed those which wasn't a problem except that Red cooked up some Kraft dinner for her dinner as she's sick and wanted something soft and easy, so I shared in that too. Add in some roasted veggies and it was a bit more than I required. Of course I did drink one of my banana smoothies later on which I certainly didn't need, so while the day wasn't a write off by any means, it probably didn't help my weight loss goals.

Tonight I am taking a cardio attack class at the gym and I'll be enjoying some roasted veggies for dinner in addition to some leftover roast chicken so today will be good. This weekend we are heading home for a Bar Mitzvah and they're serving both lunch and dinner in addition to a dance so we'll have to remain vigilant and not blow the good work we've accomplished. I, for one, plan on being good.

2009-06-05T15:22:00.003-04:00

So I got on the scale this morning and got some great news: 215lb. That's awesome considering I was 220 on Monday morning when I re-dedicated myself. I know most of it is probably just bloat and water, but its a good start. After not seeing any downward motion on the scale the past few months, its a relief. Goes to show how much munching I was doing because that's the only thing that has changed this week in my routine.

While I'm very happy with this weeks results, I'm also hungrier. I woke up last night feeling hungry, something I don't usually do. And I've felt hungry all day today as well despite having eaten my 4 apples, bag of salad and chunky soup. With the nice weather finally upon us, all I really want to do is hit a patio and drink some beer and enjoy some nachos with cheese! But alas, that isn't going to happen. I might have a couple of beers tonight but there will be no nachos, or anything else to snack on. We're having chicken and roasted veggies tonight for dinner so that should leave me with some room for the beer calories. But God, I'd love some pizza.

We're going to try and hit the gym this weekend for a change. Goodlife has a couple of morning classes available that we like so hopefully we'll make it. We planned to take the bodypump class followed by the bodyattack class last night as they were back to back, but after the pump class, we both ran out of gas. It wasn't that pump was that draining, normally we could follow it up with a cardio class, but for some reason last night, we were both trashed afterward. The intention is to do this back to back regime on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This past Tuesday, instead of hitting them, we opted to take the attack class followed by something called Newbody which was just a low impact aerobics with weights workout. I didn't care for the Newbody class as it was boring and seemed erratic, Red didn't mind it but its not something I care to do again. So my plan is to take the pump/attack classes on those days and get the most out of it. This in addition to the pump class on Mondays, possibly the bodyvive or bodycombat class on Wednesday, attack on either Saturday or Sunday AND hitting the gym in the mornings.....I must be out of my ever loving mind!

But the goal is to look good for the wedding and I've only got 3 months as of today. That's 13 weeks to peel off about 15lb. Hopefully since that's only little more than a pound a week, I can pull off 20 but we'll see. There will be indulgences, might as well admit them now, but if I balance things out, something I failed to do before, I should be okay. With all the extra munching out, and the extra time in the gym, I should be able to survive these indulgences, after all, you can't deny yourself everything you love. So that pizza we love will happen maybe once a month, the odd ice cream cone when we've really felt we've earned it, maybe even nachos! Just have to be smart about it.

I wish I wasn't so preoccupied with what I eat, like a normal person. But when you don't practice portion control and have a tendency to feed your indulgences, especially when emotionally vulnerable, you can't help but be consumed by it. I think about food all the time, I'm always counting calories, feeling guilty about what I did eat, thinking about how often I need to hit the gym and how hard I worked while there and feeling guilty when I miss. Its maddening. Sometimes I wonder if the payoff is worth it.

A(nother) New Start!

2009-06-03T13:02:00.003-04:00

I restarted the whole diet/exercise thing Monday. I don't know if "restarted" is the right term, but I use it because it feels like I'm recommitting myself to the process. What, you ask, happened to my previous commitment? The one I've been blogging about for the past year? The commitment I made in September of 2007 to change my lifestyle to a more healthier one and lose some weight? The commitment i originally made in January of 2000 to lose the weight I had been dragging around all my life and find some happiness? Nothing. Nothing happened to it. I just realized a few things that were blocking me from reaching my goals. Things I knew were blocking me. Things that stopped me from losing weight and gaining back weight I had already lost.......and lost.....and lost. So maybe "realized" isn't the correct term either. But its partially true.

While I haven't been perfect in my eating, I thought I wasn't doing too badly considering most of my snacking consisted of fruit, mainly grapes, apples and pineapple. Yes, I would hit Subway or the cafeteria at work here and there for a sandwich at lunch, sometimes I would even grab a couple slices of pizza, but overall I didn't think I was doing that much damage. I was hitting the gym pretty much every morning, playing in a sports league and taking dance lessons, so I wasn't just sitting. Yet my weight slowly crept back up.

In November, I was 207lb, a full 10lb heavier than i had been in August. Then I started lifting weights at the gym to try and grow some muscle in addition to the cardio. My weight immediately jumped 5lb. It never came back off. I was 213 when I went to Cuba in late February and I had stopped lifting weights due to back and shoulder issues. In mid April, I started participating in cardio type classes at the gym to give me an average of 8 gym visits a week. Since mid May, the average number of visits to the gym is 9. I now weigh as of this morning, 218lb. That's right, 218.

How can this be? Believe me, I've been asking myself this question for months now. How can I be gaining weight when most days I'm eating well, drinking tons of water, and visiting the gym regularly? Well, this is where the realization sets in. Among other things which I'll get to in a moment, I eat a shitload of grapes. When we buy groceries, we buy a lot of grapes. The grocery store has those plastic bags on the roller in the fruit and vegetable section and I fill up 2 of them, 1 with green seedless, the other with red seedless. This fills up a large size tupperware bowl at home and most of the shelf it sits on in the refridgerator. We also pick up about 3 pineapples and have them chopped and ready to eat. This is in addtion to the apples, a bag of Royal Gala and a bag of Golden Delicious usually. And don't forget the bananas. Sounds like a good healthy plan doesn't it? Well it is, in moderation.

See, I bring 4 apples to work every day and munch on them throughout the day as snacks. My lunch usually consists of a bag of that Dole Salad mix with low calorie Italian dressing and Chunky soup. So far, so good. Well, maybe I could cut back on one or two of the apples, but they're apples for chrissakes! And I workout in the mornings, I'm hungry! Sometimes, Instead of the soup and maybe even instead of the salad, I'll grab a sandwich if I'm feeling particularly hungry. No harm in that I would think. So by my measure, I'm ingesting probably anywhere from 500-900 calories during the workday depending on whether I have the sandwich or not. And more if I do Subway or slices of pizza, which I don't do very often.

But then here's where I think the problem is: the night time. We usually cook dinner and we try to be good about what we eat but I admittedly don't follow what dieticians and the like would consider a normal portion. I don't eat a 3oz. piece of meat, my portion is probably double that, sometimes more depending on what it is. And if its something like spaghetti or shepherds pie, I don't measure out a portion using a scale or anything, I just scoop myself out a nice sized plate that's probably 3 or 4 times the recommended portion and enjoy. But that's not all. Now we're into sitting in front of the TV time. And what does that mean? Grapes! Pineapple! Maybe even a banana smoothie! I think this is a lot of where I'm going wrong.

Yes, I should be more moderate in my dinner portions but most days, its the only solid meal I eat so I'd like it to be filling. But despite snacking on fruits to satiate my desire to eat, I'm mindlessly ingesting way more calories than I thought. I don't measure my food and so I can only guess as to how many grapes I eat in a sitting. But lets put it this way: those 2 bags of grapes we bought on say a Saturday are gone by Wednesday usually, maybe Thursday. And the pineapple? It usually lasts the week but not always. And the aforementioned banana smoothie? Well its not a regular thing, but maybe twice a week, sometimes more. Its usually 2 bananas, 1 and a half to 2 cups of 1% milk, ice and Splenda for a caloric total of about 400. Totalled up, how many calories is all of that?

Now add that to the indiscretions on the weekend. Pizza, while not as frequent as before, does happen. So does M&Ms or some other candy at the movies. And don't forget the beer, something I rarely drank before, now a regular part of my Friday and Saturday evenings. Also, it isn't uncommon for me to enjoy a big bowl of cereal in the mornings on the weekend, by big I mean at least 2 cups (maybe a bit more) of the cereal and probably a cup of milk. The cereal may be Corn Flakes, Special K or Rice Krispies, but its still a big bowl of cereal. See the pattern?

Overeating. No portion control. Mindless snacking. No wonder I'm failing. I may have changed the types of foods I'm eating but I'm still overeating. A doctor at the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic said once in response to one of his obese patients lamenting his weight gain despite eating only oranges ( a dubious claim if you ask me), "You may be eating only oranges, but you're eating 45 oranges! You eat 45 of anything and you're going to gain weight!" I've learned this for there is no difference between me and my incessant snacking on grapes and pineapple and this patient's snacking on oranges. At least I'm admitting I eat other things during the day too!

It comes down to my constant eating. If I'm not eating I'm drinking something. At work, I'll drink 3 or 4 coffees/teas over the course of the day in addition to the 3 24oz. containers of water I sip on. I always have some food or drink item at hand, I'm rarely without. I do this at home too, if I'm not eating, I'm sipping on something or I'm doing both. I eat when I'm not hungry, I just want something. Thankfully it's usually fruit, but it adds up. I used to think I would eat maybe 3 cups of grapes in an evening, now i think its more. Since I don't measure them and lets face it, a cup is not very big, I must be easily downing 5 or 6 cups, maybe more. At 62 calories a cup, that's roughly 300-400, probably more. And that doesn't include the pineapple, which I might add I stopped eating about a month ago, just lost my taste for it.

And here's another problem: when Red and I started taking these cardio classes in the evenings, I thought I could get away with eating more because I was working out more. So I would have that sandwich at lunch more often, or that slice of pizza in addition to my lunch of fruits, salad and maybe the soup. And I didn't think much of the beer on the weekends, again I was working out more so I had room to play. Same went for the candy at the movies, the ice cream cone we'd treat ourselves to, the cookies we'd bake, or the chocolate bar I'd ravage. Where was my head?!? I knew this was wrong! I knew I was already having problems losing weight the last few months and these classes were perfect for helping me get over that hump! So why did I do it? Why did I throw away all those months of hardwork and sacrifice? I'll tell you why. I was never hugged as a child.

That's right, never hugged, never kissed, never told I was loved. I wasn't abused or anything, Christmas was fine, we had stuff, I just lacked emotional attachment. And I guess I turned to food to fill that need. And its something I still do despite being with a woman who loves me to death. But you can't change what's hard wired in you overnight. And I haven't tried to change it. During this whole time, I changed what I ate for the most part, but not when I ate and how much I ate. Its like I'm filling some need deep inside of me although the whole thing doesn't make me happy. I mean here I am bitching about my weight and i'm still eating. All the time. Filling that need. If I doing such a good job of filling that need, shouldn't I be feeling better? Is this a circular argument?

So, how to fix. There's the million dollar question. How do you turn off the eating when you don't know how to? I notice I don't eat when I'm busy, so there's a start. We're hitting the gym roughly 4 nights a week after work, 2 of those nights we're doing a double class so that eats up part of the evening. I stopped buying grapes, didn't think I would resort to that, but I did. I'm very much an all or nothing person and if something isn't there, I won't eat it. If we don't keep snacks around, I can't eat. Won't I substitute the grapes with something that is in the house? Hopefully not. I can't say I won't because it would be easy to grab a sleeve of Ritz crackers or a couple of apples to munch on. All I can do is try. Same with my lunches. Just keep to the salad, fruit and soup. Stay away from the cafeteria and don't make a trip to Subway or the pizza shop.

I had another reminder of how much I've regained in the past few months. In September of 07, I bought a new suit to go to a wedding. At the time, I weighed 227lb and it was just before I started the regimen. Last September, we attended another wedding and I weighed about 203lb so you can imagine how ill-fitting the suit was. I was practically swimming in it. We have a family event to attend in a couple of weeks and I figured I'd get the suit altered so it fit again. I brought it to work today to take to a tailor at lunch and when i tried it on at the shop, it basically fit again! I was so disappointed. It really brought all of this home for me. I feel terrible. But I did it to myself. I was on the right path, doing great and I let it slip away. I've been at the gym more than ever the last 6 weeks and I blew a golden opportunity to drop some weight for the summer. Now I face dieting and working out hard just to get ready for my wedding in September.

There's no way I want to look like this when I get married. I'm disgusting. In late April, Red and I took our weight and measurements to help keep track of our progress and we started this busier regimen with high hopes of dropping excess weight and looking good for our big day. As of today, i'm about 4lb heavier than I was that day and we haven't done any followup. I just can't. But I made the decision over the weekend to fix things. No more grapes, at least not for now. Light lunches. Reasonably portioned meals at dinner. No more night time snacking. Exercise some god damned will power, I've done it before, I can do it again. Its only 3 months till the wedding, that's enough time to drop 15lb. That'll put me around 200 and I can live with that even though my original goal was to be about 190.

I'd like to think I'll pull this off. I know I can do it, i have in the recent past. With Red going to the gym now and being enthusiastic about it, I can get more time in there which can only benefit me. This is my best shot at succeeding, i need to take advantage of it. I'm getting older, the weight doesn't just come off like it used to. But am I still young enough to forge a new, healthier relationship with food? I don't know. Maybe this is my life, to be forever at war with my eating behaviours, my weight and my self loathing. I come from a heavy set family so I have the history. Thing is, despite my weariness with the whole thing, I can't give up. I would love to but I know what that would mean and that is not an option. So I'll trudge ahead with renewed vigor, how many times have I said that in the past? God, read my posts! They're full of the same never say die attitude, its laughable. That and the whining.

2009-05-27T10:58:00.002-04:00

I have to admit, I've been flirting with the idea. It would make life so much easier and lower my stress levels significantly. Gone would be the guilt, the frustration, the early mornings. Yep, the Fat Acceptance Movement seems more appealing every day. These people and their fearless leaders such as Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby appear to have made peace with their own weight loss battles and have decided they can have their cake and eat it too! They just seem so free and unfettered by societys demand that they be a size 2 and count every calorie they shove in their mouths and exercise 3 hours a day just to stay lean and fit. God I wish i could join them. Imagine the freedom of being able to enjoy a donut when buying that morning coffee, or ordering that pizza in a size larger so that you can enjoy the leftovers later or if you so choose, finish it off right then and there. To be able to go to the movies and order Combo #1, you know, the one with the refillable large popcorn and drink with candy and not think about the 4000+ calories you're about to ingest in one sitting. Or being able to stop at the chip truck and ordering some of those greasy, fresh cut fries covered in salt and vinegar, God my mouth is watering right now just thinking about it.

But, as wonderful as all that sounds, I simply cannot do it. Why? Because, in the end, I hate being fat. I hate not fitting into booths at a restaurant, I hate not fitting into regular seats on the bus, on a plane, at the movies, in amusement park rides, anywhere there are seats. And speaking of seats, I hate that creaking sound of furniture straining and groaning under the weight of my big fat arse and the rather large dip in my bed where I sleep at night. I hate not being able to buy decent looking and fitting clothes, although clothing makers are getting much better at this as they've figured out there is money to be made since more and more people are becoming obese and require larger clothing! I hate feeling tired and lazy, everything seems so much harder when you're fat: climbing stairs, walking, any type of manual labour, sports, dancing, anything that requires you to move. Then there's just how I look fat, the big round face which makes my head look more enormous than it already is, the gut hanging out over my belt, that big roll of flab that circles my abdomen, my man boobs, my thighs that appear attached at the knee, that overall pear shape that is so pleasing to the eye.

Nope, I just can't do it. I spent the first 34 years of my life as a fat person, first just fat, then morbidly obese, then just obese before finally getting a handle on it and finding my way to looking fairly average to just a few pounds overweight (well probably 20-25 or so). When I first found the will to diet and hit the gym religiously, I did it as part of a self improvement plan which included returning to college and getting my life together as a whole. I saw my weight as a detriment to success in all aspects of life: career, social, dating. I wanted to be part of life, not on the fringes of it. Being thinner, prospective employers wouldn't be distracted by my size and thus would not fall prey to the stereotypes about fat people, such as that they're lazy, undisciplined, unclean, etc. Being thinner, my social life would open up as I would happily take part in activities such as sports, dances, and other outings where people congregate and enjoy life, this would mean friends. Being thinner, my dating life would open up exponentially. No longer would I have to settle for women that were open to dating fat guys, usually fat themselves or burdened by emotional issues and looking for love wherever they may find it.

Being fat is simply not where its at. And although the supporters of the Fat Acceptance Movement would have you believe otherwise, your life, ironically, is quite a bit smaller when you're fat. I've been reading the blog entries of some of these FA people and the articles that have featured them in an attempt to understand their point of view, and to be honest, I don't get it. Despite the pronouncements that they simply don't care what other people think of them and the countless links to the few studies that seem to support their claims that you can be fat and healthy, they come off as angry, bitter, approaching middle aged bitches. Every blog post ridicules someone who disagrees with them and their philosophy, be it a doctor, the author of a study, a commenter to a blogpost (who is immediately labelled a troll), or another blogger or columnist who dares challenge them on this subject. They've even managed to turn off some of the very people who once supported them in their war on the world. Sounds kinda like the Bush Administration doesn't it? You're either with us or you're with the terrorists. Very black and white.

After reading some of these blogs and the articles I've found online that discuss the movement and interview Harding and others, I can't help but feel these folks are just hypocrites. They decry their treatment at the hands of others yet volley their own bombs back, and sometimes quite viciously. They refuse to take responsibility for their size, instead blaming genetics and yo-yo dieting. Well yo-yo dieting is a bad thing I'll agree, but genetics? Come on. I come from a fat family, we're all prone to weight gain but none of us eat a healthy balanced diet either. Even now, despite the fact that I eat salad and fruit regularly, don't eat junk food as a rule, nor do I eat out much, I'm still battling my weight. Why? Because I overeat the good stuff! Not to mention that when I have a bad weekend, I have a BAD WEEKEND. Even something as innocent as grapes can be bad if consumed in large quantities. I eat tons of grapes in a week, always in the evenings when sitting in front of the TV, in addition to my dinner, my lunch, whatever fruit I brought to work to munch on that day. It adds up.

To me, they just seem to have given up, and are looking for any excuse available to justify their viewpoint, even if it means bending the truth, quoting out of context or ignoring the massive number of studies that link obesity to all sorts of diseases and health issues. Somehow it makes sense that this movement would come to be and develop a zealous following. We are getting fatter for any number of reasons and we're getting pretty defensive about it at the same time. If it were simply genetics, wouldn't humans have always been fat throughout time? Why is it the obesity epidemic has only become so in the last 20 or so years? Don't think people are fatter now than before? Go to a mall, go to a bar or a club on a Saturday night, go to a beach, in fact, go anywhere there are people and just take a look around! There are more fatties walking around than ever before. And they're getting younger. Don't believe me? Check out the teenage girls walking around in their belly tops and too tight pants. Where do you think the term "muffin top" came from? I don't remember seeing that in high school back in the early 80's. Now its everywhere.

Nope, denying there is an obesity problem or blaming genetics is just like saying global warming is a fraud. Only people that refuse to take responsibility make those types of statements.

2009-05-13T16:06:00.002-04:00

Read an article the other day by a writer who wrote a letter to his 16 year old self. It was interesting as others also wrote themselves letters, each offering encouragement and advice. I was intrigued by this idea so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and write my 16 year old self a letter, but only deal with the weight issue since this is what this blog is about. Of course I could go on about school, women, careers, friends and so forth but this is not the place.

Dear Me,

While you're not completely aware of how big you are, you will become acutely aware of it soon. This is because you are not going to shrink any time in the near future, rather, you will continue to grow and your insecurities and self esteem will shrink instead. I know you are aware you are overweight and the object of some ridicule at school, but believe me, it's only going to get worse unless you take action now.

Notice how you are dateless currently despite your best efforts to woo certains girls you like at school? No, it's not because you aren't likeable, it's because you're fat and chicks don't dig fat guys. They also don't want to be with the guy who is the butt of so many immature fat jokes made mostly by the jocks you despise so much. This issue is only going to continue for you as you make your way out of high school and into real life. Yes, there will be girls, but they won't be what you want, instead they'll be girls you'll settle for, other fatties or retards with emotional problems who just want someone to love them. And you'll do that, yes you'll provide that love and comfort, but at what price? Your happiness? Your sanity? Your soul? You will become that guy the girls like, but as a friend. Someone they can confide in and trust. And you, you will listen and support them all the while gritting your teeth and shaking your head at these girls who insist on dating these assholes hoping that maybe, just maybe, one might see that you are a better choice. Don't hold your breath.

You know how you love to drum and play in rock bands? Yes, it's fun isn't it? Well nobody who is serious about taking to the stage wants a fat drummer. You know this. You will miss out a few times, not because you didn't have the talent to play for them, but because you are fat. Look at pictures of rockers you aspire to be like, no fat guys to be seen. You are a good enough drummer to impress any of these musicians but they won't even consider you once they see you. And no amount of great auditions will change that. Trust me, I've been there. And the rejection will hurt, a lot.

Hockey's been fun, you're known as a good goaltender among the coaches and players. But you're carrying too much weight and getting equipment that fits you properly is hard on mom. She doesn't have the money to buy new so finding used equipment that is large enough is almost impossible. And you're too slow to move and react to the play, not only are you carting around 50 or more pounds of equipment on your frame, you're carrying all that fat! No wonder you can't move well. Your size does help you in stopping pucks at times, but you're limited and you can be better.

You need to get it together and lose the weight while you're still young and able to. Your metabolism is faster, you've got youth and energy on your side, and your body will shrink down properly as you lose the weight. You've been to the gym, you know what its about. But you need to focus on what you're doing there. Those aerobic classes are a good source of exercise but you need to do more in the gym. Find an elliptical or run on the treadmill, burn those calories!

As for your diet, you need to change a few things. Stop having a couple of sandwiches for a snack in the evening, in fact, cut back on the bread altogether. Learn to like diet pop, you just need to adjust your taste buds. Avoid chips and other salty snacks, they are only helping to bring you down. Get off the juice and enjoy real fruit, you will develop a taste for it and it will happen fast. Eat salad, find a low calorie dressing and enjoy that. Discover roasted veggies, green, red and yellow peppers with mushrooms and zuchinni, this will become a passion for you but you should try it now, not later. Stop the pizza!! It has to be the worst thing you're eating and it will become a nasty habit. If you get a handle on it now, this won't be an issue.

Learn moderation, enough with the all or nothing thinking. There will be pizza tomorrow, same with hamburgers, bread, chips, etc. You can enjoy things in smaller quantities, I know it tastes so good and one is never enough, but you have to find a way of portioning out the foods you love and crave so that you don't continue to battle your weight over the remainder of your lifetime. You're seeking refuge in food, looking for comfort in eating. But I assure you, if you get it together now, you'll be happier and your self esteem will grow. You won't need artificial comfort, you will have friends and women. Your social circle will grow because you won't feel like an outsider anymore and you're young enough to make these changes easier.

I've suffered the pain of being overweight, the rejections, the humiliations, the loneliness, the insecurity, the ridicule. You think you have it bad now? Just wait a little longer. It does get worse. Your life will come to a standstill both personally and professionally. You will suffer throught many weight loss programs and a surgery you will come to regret. It will almost cost you your life eventually. But you can avoid all that and give both of us a chance at a happier existence. Your remaining teenage years and your 20's don't have to be wasted. You can make it happen. I know that light bulb hasn't gone off in your head yet, in fact it won't until you're in your early 30's and by that time, much damage will have been done. Damage that cannot be undone despite the best intentions of those who love you, in particular one who you will come to love like no other.

No, the change must be made now and it must be made by you. No doctor, family member or friend will make the change for you. It will be hard, I won't lie. Working out daily is tough, dieting is tougher. But don't think of it as a diet, it's not a diet. It's a lifestyle change, a lifestyle that healthy, fit people live. And healthy fit people have better lives than fat ones do. You want to be accepted, being fit will help in that. People like you, but you're introverted and quiet. You know its only because you don't want people to notice you, because you know they'll notice the fat. It doesn't have to be that way. There is a better way and a better life waiting for you. Reach deep within yourself and find that spark. Use whatever motivation you need, be it social acceptance, women, a desire to just look good, health, whatever it takes. Do this and I promise your life will get infinitely better. It has to.

Good luck.

Me.

2009-05-06T12:05:00.003-04:00

Overheard an interesting conversation the other day at they gym between two middle aged guys in the cardio area. They were talking about whether it's easier to work out in the mornings or later in the day. They both agreed that working out later in the day was easier, but one preferred getting his workout done in the mornings to "get it out of the way".

I have to agree. I find getting up in the morning and heading to the gym first thing to be a labourious chore; you're not awake yet, you're clumsy and foggy and barely operating in first gear. I think many people feel this way when heading to work in the mornings, they don't really find their stride until maybe an hour or more into the day. This isn't too much of an issue in the workplace, but at the gym, it's death. Finding the will to exert yourself and work through your routine first thing in the morning requires true commitment, and even then, something more.

I'm committed to hitting the gym every morning Monday to Friday, but many days I just want to stay in bed. When I arrive, I don't have the drive to push myself, and I'm doing cardio! All I have to do is climb up onto the elliptical and start pedalling. But why is this so hard? Resentment over having to get up out of my nice, warm, comfy bed? Maybe. I resent rising to an alarm clock anyway so doing so just to go to the gym doesn't help. Exhaustion? No, I get roughly 8 hrs sleep a night give or take. And I sit down for a living, which while that does create a tendency to doze off due to inactivity, isn't physically strenuous. Just not awake yet? Probably. Like I said, you just aren't yourself at that hour, I know I'm still clumsy and foggy and I'm definitely not a morning person. I prefer to get up (on my own), and just sit and wake up slowly, preferably with a cup of coffee and something to read.

Last Wednesday I attended the gym after work as Red had an Ab Attack class she attends and I figured it was an opportunity to get some weight lifting in, plus my morning workout had been lacklustre as a result of feeling tired and foggy and I felt an need to do a bit more despite also having been participating in cardio classes most evenings as well. This was also when I overheard the gentlemen discussing the pros and cons of morning/afternoon workouts.

I have to admit, I felt great on the elliptical, burned through two 25 minute sessions and another 20 minutes on the bike. Nothing like my morning experiences. I also lifted a few weights before meeting up with Red after her class. What a difference a few hours makes! I was awake, alert and had energy, just like when I attend those cardio classes. But my schedule makes it hard for me to give up those morning routines. The reason I attend in the mornings is because Red works at 7 am so she's up at 5:30 and in bed around 9pm. I work at 9am so I don't have to be in bed before 11pm if I don't want to. In order to square up our schedules, I chose to get up early and hit the gym so that we could spend our evenings together. And it's been a good choice overall, I go most days which was a problem when I was going in the evenings, too many other options at that time. At least with the mornings, I'm consistent even if I'm struggling most mornings with the workout. And it allows us to attend those cardio classes together which I love. Plus, there's fewer people there in the mornings so you can always get the equipment or machines you want without delay whereas in the evenings, it's much busier and you can spend a lot of time waiting.

I didn't go this morning as Red had been up most of the night sick and felt the need to see a doctor finally. I had woken up a couple of hours before my normal time and couldn't get back to sleep knowing she wasn't well until she left for the emergency department. I figured I'd just grab some breakfast before heading to the gym, but then decided to just go back to bed since I knew I'd be at the gym tonight and could catch up on what I missed. I guess going twice a day has this benefit. If I miss one workout, I can still make it up later that day.

I'm a bit worried though that I'm taking advantage of this situation. Not so much in missing my morning workouts as I haven't yet, but of allowing myself to eat more because I am at the gym more often. In addition to going in the mornings Monday thru Friday, I'm also taking cardio classes Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and spending another hour and a half on Wednesday evening while Red is in her ab class. That's 9 visits a week and that doesn't include any visits we might make on the weekend. This abundance of gym attendance has given me the notion that I can eat more since I burning more. It isn't much more, a sandwich from the cafeteria at lunch along with my salad or soup, or an indulgence in the evenings, say a Drumstick ice cream cone. Normally I don't do this, but lately I have been and I'm worried about it.

The nice advantage to Red joining the gym and us attending cardio classes was that it was extra time in the gym for me to burn off what I normally ate and help me with my weight loss struggles (or battles) since I've been up and down the scale with alarming frequency the last few months. But my inner fat guy is seeing this as an opportunity to enjoy a few things I don't usually allow myself. For instance, when I was up this morning, I enjoyed a bowl of Corn Flakes and some grapes, something I never do during the week. For lunch I decided to have a can of Chunky soup and my salad along with my apples for snacks. Well leave it to me to decide that since I won't be home after work, instead going straight to the gym, I won't be eating anything substantial to get me through both the day and a workout so I should get something more filling. And what did I choose to do? I headed over to Subway for a turkey sub. Not the worst thing a person could do, but certainly something I didn't need to do. So at this writing, I've eaten all 4 of the apples and the sub, not to mention the Corn Flakes and grapes from 5:30am. My soup remains on my desk unopened and my salad sits in the fridge. I'm not hungry so I doubt I'll eat anything else, but I do suffer from that mid afternoon hunger, is it really hunger or just boredom? So I might just eat that salad then. I don't think I'll touch the soup. Once I'm home tonight, probably close to 7, I'll need to figure out dinner. It can't be something heavy since I've eaten a bowl of cereal and a full sub, but it'll need to be something substantial. We do have some roasted veggies and a meat patty leftover from last night plus there's still some stir fry left from the weekend so I think I'll be alright. But Red chose to stay home from work so I don't know what she might be planning. Either way, I need to be smart here.

2009-05-01T11:04:00.003-04:00

So we got the weight and measurements done last Saturday. I came in at 214lb and my measurements were not a surprise. I had Red take some pictures of me from the front, side and back, just to have a reference point later on when I'm wondering if there's a difference visually. I figure i'll have pics done every month but I'm not completely sold on that idea yet. When I saw the pics, I saw a totally different me than the one I see in the mirror every day. I don't know if it was the lighting or the way cameras take pictures, but I looked terrible, all flabby and gross looking. My man boobs seemed to jut out even worse than I thought, the roll around my waist seemed more pronounced and sickening than I perceived. Red said they didn't reflect how i actually looked and that they are not how people see me. But how does she know that? Nobody but her, and the beach goers in Cuba, know what I look like without a shirt on. A couple of summers ago, we spent the day up at her parents pool and I was terribly self conscious of how i looked. Thankfully there was only her parents there, I don't think I would have felt comfortable had any of her siblings been around.

Anyway, I downloaded the pics into a folder on her computer and immediately deleted the pics from the camera lest somebody accidentally come across them. The last thing I need is for someone to be glancing at pics and come across this mishapen John Merrick looking abomination in his red underwear. Talk about losing your lunch! There is definitely a difference in how i look in the mirror and how I look in those pics. Maybe the digital camera causes your imperfections to be more pronounced....then again maybe I really do look like that and I just think I look differently. Either way, it made me never want to take my shirt off again.

We're just over 2 weeks into our new regimen and neither of us are seeing a weightloss on the scale, although Red said her pants felt better. I would take that as a positive as the scale isn't always true about what is actually going on with your body. I'm thinking the cardio classes are building some lean muscle tissue and that is offsetting any scale losses right now. My own body feels tighter, even if it doesn't look it. I had hoped to see at least a couple of pounds or more off by now as I've been getting in about 9 visits to the gym per week since this began. I'm going to need to see something soon or I really am going to lose my shit.

Another thing I'm finding besides the physical exhaustion is that I'm hungrier in the day now. This has led me into our workplace cafe for toasted turkey sandwiches in the mornings. Not every morning, but a few. Added up, they aren't bad calorie wise, but in the context of a full day, they are an extra 400 calories give or take i could do without. Maybe this is where my weightloss is? I don't feel like i'm eating more than before other than the sandwich. I need to get that under control, but what to do about this hunger? I think with the extra workout, my body is just needing more. But at what cost? I'll have to see what the scale brings tomorrow and maybe rethink what i'm doing.

Still no real cravings, which is nice, but I'm still munching when I'm not hungry in the evenings. It's mostly fruit but one of the things I enjoy is a banana smoothie and sometimes when i make one, I'm not even hungry. I just want it. Why is that? Its not a bad thing to drink, couple of bananas, cup or 2 of 1% milk and some splenda with ice. I could probably cut down to 1 banana and cup of milk, but I'm not known for my portion control. This is my biggest problem. Need to get a handle on it.

2009-04-29T10:01:00.002-04:00

I'm sore. I ache all over. And I'm physically tired.

It's been 2 weeks since we joined the new gym and started taking cardio classes together. So far it's going well, we're hitting about 3 classes a week after work, Red has her ab class on Wednesday and I'm in the gym in the mornings. Tonight while she's in her class, I'm going to hit a strength and toning class on my own since I didn't do much this morning and don't want to lose out. I almost didn't go as my body is probably telling me to slow down, but I really don't see myself as over working. It isn't that hard to do a couple of 20-25 minute stints on the ellliptical and another 20 minutes on a bike. But when you're feeling out of gas, it's asking a lot. This morning, I rode the bike for 30 minutes and lifted some weights, but I should have done more. Hence the toning class tonight.

One of the few issues we're having, is that the facility we take these classes at isn't as close to home as we'd like. The facility we signed up at and where I go in the mornings is only 10 minutes away but they don't offer the variety or number of classes as the other facility, so we're stuck making this 20 minute trek in rush hour traffic, which can potentially become much longer depending on traffic flow. Another issue is that our Salsa dance class is at the same facility on Tuesday nights at 8:30 and the cardio class we like is at 6 which means we have to figure out what to do between 7 and 8:30. It doesn't make much sense to go home then return, but we can't just not eat either. Red's home earlier than I am so she can eat before we leave. I suppose I have time, as long as I get home by 5, to grab something before class to get me through, but it's a problem to be solved.

So far, we've taken a cardio tone, strength and tone, steps and reps, and something called a low core class. We like them all except for the step class, too confusing. I'd taken one a few years ago just for the experience, but I found it hard to follow and spent so much time concentrating on performing the routine (badly) and keeping up, that I neglected the arm movement (important) and didn't feel like I got a workout at all. I warned Red about it but she dismissed it as just me being crazy. I mean, how hard could it be? You step up then you step down again. Easy. Ya right.

It isn't the stepping up and down that's so hard, it's the routine the instructor does. She's mixing it up, step left, swing right leg out, drop right leg, step down with left, up with right, knee raise with left, step down with left, step down with right, step right, step left, do something with your arms, left knee raise, now do doubles, cross the stepper, step left, step right, swing your arms......etc. At least with a regular aerobic class it's easier to follow. But for whatever reason, the step class isn't so easy. The instructor even warned us that it takes 5 to 10 classes to get the routine down. 5 to 10! Somehow I don't see that as a selling point. Anyway, after stumbling our way through this equivalent of a quantum physics class, Red saw my point. We won't be doing that again.

Since our membership to this facility was only for a month, we'll be changing things up again in 2 weeks when our Goodlife membership activates. From what I saw of the classes schedule, they offer many good classes at good times for us and the gym is closer to home so our travelling time will be cut. One of the problems we're having as well is cooking dinner. Since many of the classes we like are offered at 6, there isn't much time to prepare a decent meal beforehand. If we wait until after, we're looking at at least an hour before eating and that makes for a late dinner, especially for Red who doesn't eat during the day usually. We're working out solutions to this like cooking the day before and reheating, or fixing simpler quick meals, but many of the meals we enjoy take a bit of time. One of my favourites, roasted veggies, requires the cutting and marinating of the veggies for about an hour before cooking. And throwing something together on what we call "munching night" isn't always a good solution; there's a tendency to overeat. But we're smart people, we'll get it under control.

2009-04-23T10:39:00.002-04:00

God I'm tired. I mean totally physically spent. Since getting the new membership at the gym with Red, I've been going every morning Monday to Friday for my 6am workout, plus taking a couple of cardio and toning classes in the evenings and dropping in once or twice on top of that to do some weights. That's a lot of time in the gym. And my body is feeling it. I just hope the scale agrees with my new regimen.

Dinner's been a bit of a problem during the week since we're busier. In addition to the gym workouts, we still take a couple of dance classes, on Tuesday and Thursdays. So on some days, we're in the gym then going to dance which fills in the evening. On other days, the class we want to take is at 6 or so, so preparing a decent meal is hard. Usually on these hard to cook nights, we eat leftovers which is fine, or we munch which can be trouble.

Munching is trouble because we aren't preparing a full meal so the tendency to eat more occurs especially when I've decided to eat say soup and Red goes with salmon and a salad. Simply put, it isn't very filling which leads to more munching. I guess the answer is to plan out our meals in advance so that we can prepare them as best we can beforehand and therefore have a decent meal every night. I like munching night as a rule, but as stated, the tendency to overeat is greater which isn't so good.

I came across a plan from a diet site i like to help aid in our endeavour: marking the calendar with weightloss goals every week or bi-weekly plus keeping track of measurements which are a good source of information about the changes your body is making. Another thing I want to do is take some pictures and keep a visual record of the changes. Sometimes when the scale isn't cooperating, it's encouraging to have other sources of info to keep you motivated because nobody knows better than us how discouraging it is to see that scale not move or even go up when you know you've been good. But it doesn't mean nothing good is happening, sometimes its muscles growth, sometimes its bloat or water retention. Just relying on the scale is not a good indicator of your progress and I do believe this plan will help, especially me.

In the meantime, I'm tired......I need a break.

2009-04-20T10:23:00.002-04:00

"Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more."
Edward H. Harriman

Seem familiar? It does for me as it sums up my battle with the bulge. I can dutifully visit the gym every morning, do my regular workout and feel good that I accomplished that goal, but then blow it by indulging in some food item later that day that I should have avoided. Result? All those calories burned wasted and no weight loss.

In 2000, when I made my decision to join the gym and diet to lose the weight, I had little problem abstaining from junk, fast food, larger portions or any other pitfall that could sink me. I ate well, ate light and hit the gym 5 days a week for a rigorous workout that saw me lose up to 10lb a month. But that was then, this is now. Since resuming a healthier diet and renewed committment to the gym in September of 2007, I've gained and lost weight and been on a yo-yo. The first 3 months were great, I went from about 226 to 207 before the problems started and my yo-yoing began. First it was Christmas, then after that debacle and righting those wrongs, it was Easter, then vacation, then whatever. You see the pattern. Do some hard work in the gym, eat right and avoid temptation, then fall off the wagon.

At then end of last summer, I was feeling pretty good at 196lb. I wanted to go down to about 185-190 and felt good coming into the fall. But a change up in my workout (adding weights), and a few too many indulgences, saw me bloat up to 213lbs which is about where i remain. A bad trip to Cuba, followed by a week of doctored ordered rest due to a painful injury, then a week of limbo thanks to my gym closing further sunk me. All I needed to do was that little more. Maybe I couldn't hit the gym for a week due to injury or because my gym closed unexpectedly, but I certainly didn't need to eat without having an outlet to burn off the calories. All that hard work.........

I'd like to think that when I get to my desired weight and body size, that I'll be able to maintain it with little trouble. But getting there isn't the hard part, it may seem that way, but its actually much easier than maintaining. When I lost the rest of my weight back in 2001, I got lazy. I still went to the gym, but not as often and when I did, I didn't work as hard. Also, I was dating and you know how that goes: you go out to eat, you sit and snack, you drink, etc. Before long, I had gained about 30lbs and needed to resume my earlier habits. This happened again in 2007. After my illness and recovery, I gained an extra 30 or so pounds which I needed to lose again, eerily similar to 2001.

So my biggest issue may be maintenance. I've been at a good weight a couple of times in the last 10 years but always managed to botch it up. One of the things that annoys me to no end is buying nice clothes I love when I'm at that good weight and then not being able to fit into them later on thanks to laziness and gluttony. Most of my clothes seem to fit me as I stay within this 20lb window, but I have some that were purchased when I was a slimmer 180-190lbs that I haven't worn in a couple of years.

I don't know why I feel I can let myself off the hook sometimes when I'm down on the scale, I know I'm only going to gain the weight back and be miserable with myself later. I need to find that balance, that little more work to keep it off. Perfect example? Friday night we cooked popcorn, Red made a pot but I decided we needed more to fill that extra sized plastic bowl we were using. That also required extra butter and salt. So two pots of popcorn (we didn't even use the air popper which we normally would!) and god knows how much butter later, I was feeling guilty and kicking myself for my indiscretion. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Sadly, this is not an uncommon occurence. But it needs to become one.

So here I am, about 20 or so pounds from where i want to be. Now I'm not as concerned this time because Red joined the gym and we are taking cardio type classes in the evenings plus doing some weights in addition to my morning workouts. This will, I have no doubt, have a huge impact on my weightloss as I'm getting an extra 4 or more hours a week in the gym. If I can just do that little more work at home when I've got the munchies and not set myself back, I should be good for the wedding in September. Red's fired up, she's caught the bug so there should be no stopping us. A new gym, a new workout buddy and renewed motivation should get us where we need to be.

2009-04-16T14:17:00.003-04:00

I gotta start writing more often, but I'd rather write when I've got something to say, rather than whine and bitch about the same old.

So I've been going to the gym regularly for almost 10 years now and it's a part of my life, a part I miss very much when it's gone. It's not that I love going to the gym, far from it, but I've become dependent on it being there as a check against my sins. Last week, my life was torn apart. Queue dramatics.......

Red's never believed in the gym, I think she used the word scam or something of that nature at one point. But she came around and surprised me with the announcement that she'd like to join and do some cardio classes and stuff like that. Of course I was ecstatic! I knew this was the only way she was going to shed those 10lb she's been complaining about for so long and it gave me a workout buddy. Plus, on a selfish note, it allowed me some more time in the gym during evenings to aid in my weightloss endeavours. It was win-win.

My membership wasn't due up until July but I thought maybe they would cut us a break seeing as I was an upstanding member and let her in at some reduced rate. After some haggling, the boss gave us both a year plus that extra 3 months leading up to July for Red for a sweet deal if we paid cash. Not thinking anything of it, we paid. Done, right? Well not quite.

We showed up Monday night for an awesome circuit training class and i continued to do my mornings as per usual. Until Wednesday. I wandered in just after 6am to find the gates closed and 2 signs hanging. One was a lease termination notice from the mall, the other a hand written note stating that "the gym had closed. A new facility will be opening very soon. All memberships will be honoured." I was stunned. I spent the day at work wondering what I was going to do. Red came home that day and I told her the news worried that this impression would kill her desire to join a gym , any gym. Aside from the feeling of being ripped off, which I did too, she was still game.

Now part of this might have been because I've been through this before. A few years ago, a gym I had longed belonged to suddenly closed its doors. A new owner showed up only a couple of weeks later and reopened and memberships were honoured. So i wasn't too worried this time. After all, its the same gym with the same equipment, a new owner probably hasn't put any captial into it and its got a membership that isn't going to pay again for the privilege to work out there. So I feel okay about this. However, what to do in the meantime? I mean, we have no idea how long the gym was going to be closed or what the deal would be once it reopened. I can't wait idly by for this situation to resolve. I need the exercise, of that there is no doubt. A couple of weeks of being away from the gym would be catastrophic. I needed a plan.

It would have easy for me to just grab a monthly membership at another gym and play it by ear until my gym sorted itself out, but I had Red to think about. We needed a gym with an aerobics studio for classes and one that was convenient. The city recreational centres were perfect as Red was already taking an Ab Attack class on Wednesdays and had the chance to scope the facilities out. We went and looked at it together and got the price. So far so good. But then Red chimed in about her corporate wellness program at work that allowed us a great deal on a membership to Goodlife. This is where everything went south.

We dropped into Goodlife and had to fill out a form with our personal info just to be taken through the facility. Obviously a sales tactic to get your info and spam your inbox. The guy who showed us was young, a gym rat himself, and obviously hungry to sell everything he could to us "newcomers". What he didn't count on was that I wasn't new to this environment and knew what we needed, and secondly, that Red was going to purchase using her corporate wellness program which would reduce the sale to less than half. Suddenly he wasn't so eager any more.

Anyway, we got the info we needed and really liked the facility so being as it was coming into the Easter weekend holiday, we elected to join Goodlife for a full year at the beginning of this week and restart our program. For the price, it just made more sense than going monthly and hoping the old gym would reopen. Easy enough? Well.....ya, here's where the fun began.

Turns out the corporate wellness program only signs up memberships on the 15th of every month and they require you send them the money and forms which takes time and then you have to wait another 7-10 days for your membership cards to arrive in the mail. Oh joy! So if we went this route, we wouldn't be signed up until May 15, a full month later. No good. So Red drops into the Goodlife close to her work to see about getting just a monthly until the full membership is processed. Holding a form stating that through the corporate program we'll only pay $40 for the month, but unable to go this route thanks to the snails pace it takes, she's told it'll cost $93 a piece for the month. Are you fucking kidding me? $93?!?! For a month??? And the girl said this with a straight face. Like we should be honoured that Goodlife would even have us. Needless to say, after questioning this logic, Red left.

So it was back to the city facility. I'd had enough of the bullshit and city gym was good. We dropped in yesterday and joined for a month. Red sent in the money and paperwork through her corporate program for the yearly at Goodlife so we should be ready to go May 15 there. We'll see.

In the meantime, I made my debut at the new gym this morning and it was refreshing to be at a new facility. The equipment's pretty much the same as every other gym so getting started was easy. There are schedules for cardio classes and the like at each city facility so we've chosen a few to attend, starting tonight. I'm looking forward to it, the extra workout, my baby at my side, a new start.

I don't know what's going to happen at my old gym. If and when they reopen, if they honour our memberships, at least we'll have that option too. But I'm not worried about it. I like the idea of being in a new environment, I've been needing a pick me up in that area and this fits. Despite the hassle with Goodlife, they offer a great facility with many great classes, we're really looking forward to it. But I've never had so much trouble just getting a membership to a stupid gym! I was ready to lose my shit and almost did. But so did Red. I think its a testament to our relationship that we managed to keep it together with each other despite the stress.

I love my baby.

Amazing

2009-03-22T12:07:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I found out something that made my day. I had avoided the scale since my vacation for reasons stated in my last post. I felt that I had gained a lot of weight recently and was feeling pretty down about this set back and having to once again lose weight I had thought long gone. But I decided that I should know where I stood just so that I had a reference point to work from. So with that mind, I reluctantly stepped on the scale expecting the worst.

What I saw made me smile: 213lb, the weight I was before I left for Cuba. How did this little miracle happen? I haven't a clue. As stated before, I ate and ate with little to no activity. I saw how big and hard my belly was, I knew how tighter my shirts felt, to me there was no doubt I had messed up big time. But lo and behold, there it was: 213lb. It was as if time had stopped for those 3 weeks and none of my transgressions had come to pass. I was elated.

As I said, I have no idea what happened. One week back on the diet, or lifestyle change, and some gym time should have not been enough to fix what I thought had happened. So how to explain? Red said she thought I had overshot my estimates on my weight and that I was bloated, but nowhere near what I thought. Turns out she was right. So again, what happened? I haven't a clue and I'm not going to spend too much time worrying about it. All I know is that I'm not as much of a cow as I thought and I haven't set myself back as far as I feared. And that makes me feel really good.

Back at it

2009-03-20T10:26:00.003-04:00

So Cuba is a memory and I'm back to my real life.....super. Cuba was better than what I expected and once we actually ate there and found out the food wasn't all that great, there was hope that without all the food calories, I might escape my vacation with no real damage. But alas, after a couple of days of wandering around the resort, we discovered a small convenience store on site filled with all kinds of chocolates and cookies. I don't know why I did it, but I ended up buying some of this junk and it was all downhill from there.

While there were 5 restaurants on site, only one, the buffet style one, didn't require reservations so we ended up eating there most days. First was breakfast, something neither of us do as a rule, but there it was every morning beckoning us. Fortunately, the bacon was horribly undercooked making it a rare treat and the french toast was left in a heating tray to get soggy and gross. There was lots of veggies and fruit available, but no apples, grapes or good pineapple for me to indulge in. Unfortunately, the bread was good making toast an obvious choice, eggs are eggs, there was a pancake and waffle station that was very good too, and lots of cheese. They had no sweetnener so my coffee contained sugar for the first time in ages. You can see where this is going.

We skipped lunch but dinner was much the same. A lot of not so great food, lots of veggies and fruits, but the one bright spot for me was the pizza and pasta station. The good part was that the pizzas were really good, the pasta was good enough but the lineup for it was ridiculous. The bad part was that the pizza was really good and while the lineup for it wasn't bad at all, it took a good 10-15 minutes to get it prepared and cooked so I spent much time standing at the station instead of seated with my girl. And since they were small thin crust with not much on them, it required more than one to make a meal (at least in my opinion). Oh, and pizza is high in calories, I'm sure even these thin ones had more than I needed to ingest, so an almost daily diet of these isn't doing me much good. You can see where this is going.

And the drinks. Of course you can't go to Cuba and not drink. After all, that's most of what you end up doing while lying in the sun not moving, getting no physical activity. For most of the trip, I never saw a diet cola, only the regular. So i was drinking rum and colas, beer, and the odd dacquiri. Let's add up those calories. Better yet, let's not.

There is a gym on site and I did bring my gym clothes with the intention of spending a few hours there, and while we did talk a bit about it, it never happened. There was just too much lying in the sun to be done, or sitting in the lounge drinking. The most exercise we got was the day we spent walking around Havana. It's weird how your body settles back into a sedentary state so quickly; the walking about was tiring and my back, which hasn't been right for a while, started acting up. You can see where this is going.

We were there for 7 days and I woke up on the sixth day with a very painful and stiff neck. The bed and pillow sucked, even Red was suffering, and it appeared my neck could take no more. I got through the last couple of days and we headed home. With my bad neck, I was unable to return to the gym and after a few more days of intense pain, finally went to emerg for a look. Turns out it was inflammation so I was given an anti-imflammatory and some percocet and ordered to a week of bed rest. Now, I'm no good when I'm just sitting idle at home. I get bored easily and I munch. You can see where this is going.

I was finally able to return to work and the gym this past Monday. Now after 3 weeks of little to no activity, lots of food, both regular and junk, and drink, you can imagine the shape I was in. There was no doubt I had gained weight. A lot of weight. My belly was hard and protruding further than it had since I got serious again in September of 2007 and changed my diet and exercise regime. All that hard work, all those pounds lost, gone. I haven't stepped on the scale but I don't have to. I can see the damage and so can Red. My shirts are tighter, my face rounder. When I left for Cuba, I was about 213lb. Though I wasn't happy about that, I attributed much of it to my weight lifting regime and the muscle I had gained. When I began the weights in November, I weighed about 203, up from a low of 196 in late August, but nothing to be overly concerned about. Almost immediately, I put on 5lb which I expected. But it kept coming on. While my body was changing to reflect the new workout, my weight stopped going down. I did worry at first, but was reassured by a few people that I was looking good so I stopped being too concerned.

However, now I am back to where I started I'm sure. Not back to the start start when I weighed 370lb, but to where I was that September morning when I began this latest crusade. The morning workouts have been brutal; I'm not doing weights right now, my neck and back are still not in great shape and I don't want to aggravate whatever is going on there, but I'm back to cardio full time. Two 20-30 minute stretches on the elliptical and a further 20 on a stationary bike along with some back stretches i learned in physio and some lunges to keep my thighs and hamstrings strong. I think I'm going to continue this for another week or two, it'll really depend on how my body feels. Right now I'm just draggin my ass through the workouts, usually after having some time away from the gym, I'm ready and raring to go but not this time. I feel like I'm running in mud, my energy level is just not that high. It should get better as I go, but goddamn this week hasn't been easy.

I'm not worried about losing the extra weight, my diet is under control for the most part and I'm back to doing what burns the calories and works for me at the gym, it's just the having to start over again. Why am I such an idiot? Why, after all this time, can i not learn and exercise some self control when I'm off? I know what I'm doing but it doesn't seem to matter. Once I've made that internal decision to do something, I do it and in this context, that's not a good thing. I knew I couldn't hit the gym last week yet I ate and ate and ate. I knew the pizzas, chocolates and cookies in Cuba weren't in my best interests yet I ate and ate and ate them. I can't say I suffered from any real cravings, I haven't had cravings in quite a while now. Truth is, I can't be idle for when I'm idle I eat. It drives Red crazy at times with my need for stimulation but this is the result when I get none. I get fat.

We've been watching The Biggest Loser and Red made the comment about a couple of the younger contestants that accomplishing something as huge as massive weight loss early in life gives you confidence to be successful in other things as well. I have to agree. I'm very proud of my weight loss and being able to remain, for the most part, a regular sized man. But it's such a struggle. I'm up and down on the scale, I'm prone to binging, self loathing and frustration. While I feel I have everything in place to keep things under control for the most part, it's still a daily battle. I think about everything I eat, mentally tallying up the calories, I count the calories and time spent at the gym and feel guilty as all hell when I don't go or work as hard. I'm always looking in the mirror for hints about my actual size; how badly is my belly hanging over my pants? How round is my face? Will that shirt I like fit when I want to wear it? Argh.....it's all too much.

My relationship with food is not healthy and I don't know if I can change it. I know I'm not the only one but what I wouldn't give for some inner peace on this subject. The wedding is little more than 5 months away and I'm not even close to being ready bodywise. I have my work cut out for me but I'm not worried. Just pissed off that I allowed myself to get here again. I'll lose it, I have no doubt about that, but I just shake my head..........

2009-01-22T15:31:00.002-05:00

So I finally hopped on the scale earlier in the week just for a looksee, and wasn't surprised by what i saw: 211lb. Normally this would incite frustration and much anxiety in me, but I'm okay with it. Since I don't know where i stood before Xmas, and that I know I did some damage over the holidays, and that I've been very good since, I can't really say much. Getting off the scale has been good for my soul, living and dying by the scale is no way to live. Especially when you're engaged in the type of workout that promotes muscle growth and thus weight gain and your experience thus far with this regimen hasn't been one of loss.

I did fully expect to start dropping some weight by now, almost 3 months since I began the new routine, but instead, I've put on probably a good 8lb. Some of it is muscle I'm sure, but the expected bloat should be gone and my new muscle should have been eating away at the fat surrounding it. However, as recorded before, my diet wasn't as good as it should have been (read bread for the most part and a lack of water) and I suppose I wasn't giving it much of a chance. Also, you just don't burn as many calories when you lift weights as you do when performing cardio, there is a big difference. So in order to actually see some weight loss, a few dietary changes must be in order.

First up is the water consumption. Before? Nothing worth mentioning. Now? About 8-10 glasses a day. Incorporating this was relatively easy, I started bringing a bottle of water to the gym in the morning, then refilling it while there and at work afterward. I easily drink about 3 bottles while at the gym so there's 6 glasses right there (bottle is 500ml, 250ml = 1 8oz glass), then i usually throw back another 2 bottles during the day. So water is no longer a problem.

Second issue is bread. I think I've got this licked for the most part. Red and i have kicked the weekly pizza meal which is a huge savings on calories. Our once or twice a week visit to Subway has fallen by the wayside, although i have visited for lunch once a week the last couple since we haven't been going and I love Subway. Now we have done pasta the last couple of weekends which required a baguette, so I haven't been completely clean. But for the most part, bread is a non-issue. Do I miss it? Oh God ya, but I know bread is a major problem for me so, while I won't cut it out entirely, I've seriously reduced my consumption.

Another thing i think has been a problem has been my taste for alcohol the last few of months. Normally I don't drink, don't usually have any in the house. But Red does, as any good host should, and i found myself enjoying a couple or more on a regular basis, not just on the weekends, but through the week. Suddenly I wanted it in the house and I do believe this has slowed me down as well. So now I try and keep it to a minimun, on the weekends, and we'll see if this helps at all.

My workout routine has changed a bit too. I decided I needed more cardio in my workout since only doing a 25-30 minute spot after weights didn't seem like enough of a calorie burn. So instead of doing 4 sets of 10-12 reps lifting for each exercise, I cut it back to 3 sets to allow me more time to do cardio. I'm trying to incorporate more cardio like exercises in my warmup to weights, like 3 point squats, skipping and steps, but I needed to add another 10-20 minutes of elliptical work to help burn calories. Considering that my shoulder is aching like nobody's business anymore, this is probably a good thing. Of course, stopping any lifting and giving my shoulder a break would be the best thing, but since it wouldn't heal up on its own in a year of not lifting, I don't think it's making much of a difference. Might as well just suck it up and lift through the pain. I'm making an appointment with my doctor this week to see if i can find a solution to this issue. There's obviously something wrong there. A shoulder shouldn't hurt for a year with no good reason.

I enrolled in floor hockey for the winter months, something i've been dying to play forever. We gave volleyball a break this season and I don't know when we'll rejoin that. I know we will, spring volleyball begins about April or May so that's a possibility, but the summer session is pointless as many people dont' bother showing up to games and you can't play. So why spend the money? Softball starts up again in the spring too, so we'll have that. We're currently taking 2 dance classes a week, a ballroom and a rock 'n' jive class, so we're getting some activity during the weeknights and it's fun. Activity is certainly not a problem right now.

An added plus to all this is that I'm not craving anything. I have wanted stuff, but I've been able to say no and carry on. About the only thing I'm still having issues with is the times we have bread around. Last weekend we decided on some spaghetti and picked up a nice loaf of crusty bread to accompany it. Of course, as I always do, I was cutting slices off it as soon as we got home, then had more slices at dinner time, then finished it off later that night or the next day (can't remember which). Clearly, I can't be trusted around bread. It remains my biggest weakness which is why I'd prefer it not be around. I'm too weak. But it's one trangression in a week and a lot of better than some of the things I'd been doing.

So, all in all, I'm fine. I am noticing my belly starting to deflate a bit which is nice. I hope that is indicative of my hard work and recommitment and not just hopeful thinking. My goal right now is to lose enough not to look like a beached whale in Cuba in February. I have about 4 weeks to go.

2009-01-16T12:50:00.002-05:00

I've managed to stay away from the scale for a few weeks now although I am curious. I''m sure I put on a few more pounds than I planned to over the Xmas holidays and my round and strangely solid tummy is enough proof of that. But after a couple of weeks of working out daily and dieting, I should be down a bit. Or at least that's the hope. But since my weight has refused to drop since beginning the weight training, I'm not optimistic about it. Which is why I've stayed off the scale. I can tell how I'm doing by my clothes, and my shirts are tighter. So there.

It would be too easy to forgo everything I've worked on the past couple of months in the gym and head straight back to the elliptical to lose the pounds, but I really need the muscle growth. Before, I may have been losing and looking thinner, but my body was soft and weak looking. It's always bothered me and having some bulk in the form of good old muscle appeals to me. So I'll keep on keeping on with the weights and cardio mix and hope for the best. Of course, I have made some alterations to the diet in the form of my bread intake, which I really believe is a major show stopper for me, so I'm hoping this is the ticket. We'll see as February approaches.

The thing is, the wedding is a big deal to me. To be specific, how I look at the wedding is a big deal to me. I don't want to look fat. So if worse comes to worst, I'll hop on the elliptical during the summer months and melt it off that way. I'm hoping it won't come to that as I'm bored to death of cardio. At least now when I do my cardio, I'm only on it for 25-30 minutes which is much easier to handle.

Other notes: my shoulder is killing me. On Monday while starting butterfly presses, my shoulder literally felt like it fell apart as it cried out in pain on the first rep. I immediately stopped what i was doing and packed it in for the day, but it was the weirdest feeling. This is not a new injury but an old one that has a nasty habit of popping up every now and then. Except this time, the pain started at one point last year when I wasn't lifting weights, so I have no idea what prompted it or why it won't heal up. Obviously lifting isn't helping, but neither was doing nothing so I figured I'd just be careful and soldier on. Chest and shoulder work are directly affected by this injury making it hard to advance in weight. I'm almost at that point now as the weight I'm lifting during bench presses and shoulder work is becoming easier and the time comes to add more weight. With my shoulder being as it is, adding more weight is basically impossible. The pain when lifting will be too much and my growth will be stunted as a result. This is extremely frustrating.

I need to see my doctor and get an MRI or something done to check it out. Maybe physio would do the trick but i used up my physio allotment from my insurance provider on my back last spring so i don't have coverage until at least this spring and I can't afford it myself. Besides, by the time the MRI gets booked and the appointment arrives, it'll be a good 7-12 months anyway. We may have universal health care here in Canada, but you wait forever for stuff like this. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.

Our dancing classes started up again last week, ballroom and rock 'n' jive. The jive class is fun and lively and we both love it. It can be quite fast so there's an aerobic workout factor there. The ballroom class is more formal and slower, but we enjoy it. The bonus is it's an activity through the week that gets us off the couch. Floor hockey begins next week too, which I'm looking forward to so that'll give me 3 evening activities a week plus the gym 5 days a week. Not bad. Cuba's in a little over 5 weeks, my goal is to lose some of this belly and not look like a man-cow on the beach. It won't be for a lack of trying.

2009-01-12T12:29:00.002-05:00

Ya, it's been a while. To be honest, I've pondered writing for a while now, but with work being busier and me not feeling like writing in the evenings, it's been hard to find time. Also, I'm a little tired of yapping about this. I enjoy writing and did enjoy writing this blog at first, but it also started to sound the same every time. Bitching about my weight going up, staying the same, my workouts, my stress, blah, blah, blah. I think I was just bored (which i was at work when i do most of my writing) and I wanted to use this blog as a way of tracking my progress. The problem began in the fall when my diet wasn't going so well and my weight started to creep up a bit. Then I switched my workout to include weight lifting and all Hell broke loose on the scale. It was about this time when my duties at work changed somewhat and I didn't have time to think about what to write.

Red asked me quite a while back, why do you obsess over your weight? At the time, I was offended as I am not the only fattie who has their weight constantly on their mind, consuming them. Being a former fattie herself, I expected her to understand. But she's different, her whole outlook about it is more positive and overall, she's in control of her eating. Unlike me who lives like an alcoholic, dealing with it one day at a time, falling off the wagon, hating myself, climbing back on, then falling again. It's insane. I've never forgotten that comment and she's right. Why do I obsess over it? I know what it takes to lose and keep off the weight. I've adopted a good diet and I've made great strides in helping myself. I should be proud of what I've accomplished so far and know that I am going to fail once in a while, but that I'm capable of picking myself up and moving past it. We all eat too much at times and we all make poor food choices at other times. That's life in western society. But I'm fine. I'm not going to blow up again, I have enough control over myself to not let that happen again. And writing about it all the time isn't that interesting anymore. I'm going to continue this blog but how frequently I use it is up in the air. It'll depend on what is going on in my life and what kind of time I have to write. Whining about my weight and the scale is boring.

Christmas is long gone and life is back to normal. The holidays were not a good example of how to control your weight and I most certainly did not. But it's over now and all in all I had a good break. I know I put on a few pounds during those 2 weeks but I haven't confirmed just how many. I've pretty much given up on the scale. Since beginning my weight lifting regime, my weight has only gone up prompting much anguish in me. For a guy who's lived and died by the scale his whole life, it's quite disheartening.

Nope, instead I've decided to stay off the scale for the most part and just let my clothes and appearance guide me. I can see definite changes in my body from the new workouts so I feel I'm on the right track there. My diet is better now thanks to my decision (finally) to greatly reduce the amount of bread in my diet. I'm convinced much of my pre-Xmas problem was the bread. I had gotten into the habit of visiting Subway a few too many times, I was eating sandwiches or toast at home, bread at certain meals, garlic bread with cheese when we ordered our weekly pizza, and lots of crackers in my soup to make it heartier. That's a lot of bread.

Aside from the bread, my diet is good. I figure if I cut out most of it, I'm gold. I've known people who've lost weight just by cutting out the stuff and its amazing. Of course, it isn't hard to find evidence of this online. Most breads are just terrible ingredient wise to begin with and it is high in calorie for what it is. I love bread, it is probably my favourite thing to eat in all its various forms, but if I want to see results and maintain them, I need to sacrifice. And I'm in a good place mentally to do this, I have no real cravings and my desire to lose some weight before the wedding is strong. Now that I'm seeing some changes in my body due to the weight lifting, I'm feeling more motivated.

I'm still going to eat Subway, but maybe only once a week. The pizza is a disaster so I want to cut that back to maybe once or twice a month. This past weekend, we didn't order and we both feel good about our weekend as a result. We saved a ton of calories just by saying no, calories we both didn't need. We're heading to Cuba in about 6 weeks and I'd like to not be bloated. There won't be much of a difference in my appearance between now and then other than the bloat. The only way to make a real change in appearance would be to crash diet and go back to cardio at the gym. I could probably burn off a few more pounds but crash dieting is a bad idea and I don't want to do it. Instead, slow and steady to win the race. I've got less than 9 months to drop some weight and look good for the wedding, I'd like to be sure I get there.

2008-12-23T14:15:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday ye old fat guy, Happy Birthday to me!

Yep, I'm 42 today and about 210lb according to last Friday's weigh in. Am I worried? Kinda, sorta, no, well....yes, no.....bah.....I don't look fatter than I did a month ago so all i can assume is that my weight lifting regime is building muscle. However, I don't look thinner either so I have to assume the fat is staying. Pity, as I had hoped by now that my body would start purging fat while it grows muscle. My clothes don't fit any differently aside from a couple tee shirts i don't usually wear feel a bit tighter, something that does concern me. I do see some differences in my chest and shoulder area and in my legs and buttocks. They're subtle but they're there. I just wish my belly would shrink down some.

But that's asking a lot when I haven't exactly been great with my diet. I haven't followed through with my plan to purge bread from my diet, something I know would make a world of difference, and my water intake has slowed down again. I've allowed myself some Xmas treats at work and some chocolate and cookies at home. Mostly, it's just making me sick. I never thought I'd see the day when treats would make me ill but that day has come. Eating real food has forever changed my life, sugary foods and overly salted and greasy fare feels like poison in my body. My body craves grapes, pineapple, apples, bananas, veggies...anything else just doesn't sit right. I usually buy cereals like Cheerios, Special K, Corn Flakes and others like them, but the other day I bought a box of an old favourite, Cap'n Crunch, as a treat. What a mistake! I had a bowl, admittedly a large bowl, and threw up half of it. It was gross. Too sweet and fake tasting. What has become of me?

And despite all of these changes, all this good food entering my body, I'm still battling my weight! Maybe once the bread is gone, things will settle down. Doesn't help that I've made a few trips to the store for pizza slices the last couple of weeks. Nor has helping myself to Red's cookie stash. What's interesting is that I'm having no real cravings. In fact, I don't even want any of this stuff. I could do without the pizza, the cookies and the chocolate. It's not like I'm feeling any sense of satisfaction afterward. About the only thing I'm eating (which I shouldn't be) that does bring me satisfaction are the sandwiches and the bread! The rest of the bad stuff is doing nothing for me.

But real food is what I crave. I like it when we cook dinner. I enjoy fruit as a snack. I'm tired of salad every day for lunch so I've started to cut back on it, but I've replaced it with soup: chicken noodle, vegetable, beef vegetable. A few more calories but good stuff overall I think. But I think I'm eating out of stress. Work has me worried, as usual. I need a new job, something I enjoy or at least don't mind doing. I hate my job, I hate talking about my job. When asked how my day was, I can't lie. It was horrible, like every other day I'm there. Why bother asking? Oh sure, you could say, well at least you have a job. Whatever. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I can't bitch about it.

I think i've finally gotten over the scale. It just isn't a reliable source of information anymore. And it depresses me. I still get on it just to see where I'm at, but that's about it. Need to up the ante after the New Year. Only 9 more months until the wedding. Have to be in shape to wear the tuxedo and look good. I don't want to look fat in my wedding photos.

2008-12-12T15:36:00.002-05:00

Friday and the scale reads 206.5lb. Don't know what to think about that but it is what it is. I'm still trying to keep the scale in perspective, using my body shape, measurements and clothes as a better indicator. I managed to get a full 5 days in at the gym and my body is exhausted, and a bit sore. That should clear up over the weekend though. Been suffering through a headache the past couple of weeks that is on and off. I think its just stress.

There's a Yoga group at work that might be interesting to get involved with. Apparently the teacher comes in every Wednesday at lunch and i hear he's quite good. I've never bought into the whole Yoga thing, but I understand it's good stretching and core strengthening so I might sign up for the next set of classes whenever that is. They just started their winter session a couple of weeks ago so it might not be for a while. I believe i was told it was 8 weeks for $35 which is not bad. So we'll see come February?

We've decided to take a season off from Volleyball. We'll be taking the second series of classes in Rock and jive dancing and starting the ballroom dance at the same time. So that'll make up for missing one activity and its something we both enjoy. Instead I think I might sign up for floor hockey, I've been wanting to do that for a while now. Come spring, we'll get into softball again and probably leave volleyball behind for the summer season since it seems nobody shows up for the beach volleyball games and after 2 lackluster seasons of that, we've had enough. We'll get back at it come next fall.

Still feeling pretty good about my diet. Cravings still non-existent. I decided to grab a clubhouse for breakfast this morning since i ran out of fruit at home to bring and i was hungry. At lunch, i did hit the grocery store for some apples and grapes to munch on at work and home but decided the pizza slices at the take out counter looked too good to pass up so i grabbed one for lunch. I'm a bit disappointed for caving, but that'll be my food for the day, sans fruits, as I want to enjoy a few beers tonight to unwind after a hard week. So all in all, I'm okay with it. Could be worse, i could be enjoying the sweet treats floating around my workplace this week and next until Xmas holidays.

2008-12-10T09:58:00.002-05:00

I wouldn't have thought that 2 weeks would make that much of a difference when it came to weight lifting. After all, it's only been 2 weeks. But my legs and buttocks are sore again after a couple of days back at it, almost like before when I began this workout. Granted I'm not as bad, basic mobility is still there, but I am tender. I chose not to do my leg work this morning as a day off from that might be just what the doctor ordered.

Instead I went straight to the weights; today was chest and back. I've dropped my chest press weight by 5lb and I'm struggling with that. Today was a bit better but it's hard. Again, only 2 weeks! I know you lose some of what you've gained when you don't keep up with it, but this was not a lot of time. Hopefully there won't be another crisis in the near future and I won't miss anymore time.

I'm anxious to see how this weight lifting regime is going to work out. I know it'll take some time; my weight hasn't dropped like I had hoped, but I think I'm making gains, the good kind. I'll know better after about 3 months I figure. That means first of February. With any luck, I'll see a definite difference in my physique and weight, enough to feel that I should continue with this course of action. I need to have a good idea of what I'll look like physically when I go shopping for a tux for the wedding. I'm not sure when I'm going to do that, the wedding is in September and I doubt you need to book a tux too far ahead, so I'm thinking late spring, unless someone knows better.

Foodwise, I'm doing well. I probably could stand to slow down on the fruits in the evening, even grapes add up calorie wise. But it could be worse, could be chips. And Red has some leftover nacho chips and salsa in the fridge which looks mighty tempting. Not to mention that chocolate almond bar that cries out to me daily. But the urges just aren't that strong these days and I'm happy about that. Nothing worse than having to deal with cravings that won't go away despite your best efforts. I seem to get enough from the grapes and pineapple I munch on while watching TV. Of course, if I could break THAT habit, I'd be gold!

I haven't bought any bagged salad for lunches this week. I'm a bit tired of it every day and I do get some veggies at dinner when we roast them. I know fresh is best but I've been eating salad almost daily for about a year and a half now, and I'm about done. I'm bringing soup, which is good, sometimes Chunky, sometimes just the Campbells stuff. I've still got my apples to munch on, they get me through the morning after my workout. I do feel hungry during the day, but I'm busier at work so it's a little easier to handle.

There's lots of Xmas treats around the office, some of it looking very good. But I've been good, aside from that cake and brownies I won last week, I haven't touched anything. My sister's family Xmas party was cancelled this year so I won't have to deal with her baked goods and we're not scheduled to attend any other functions that I know of. So it'll just be getting through the actual days of Xmas which should be easier. Xmas for me is a bad time diet wise, I know I'm not the only one, but I'm feeling pretty confident this year that it won't be a disaster like other years.

I like to think I'm focused and overall I guess I am. I have fallen off the wagon and then allowed that to spiral into something more (this past weekend was an example), but I haven't beaten myself up over it for a change. Maybe I do feel that I'm more in control now and that I'm not going to lose it outright. I can't trust the scale anymore, with my workout routine, it just doesn't register like it did before. It'll come down to how my body looks and feels, how my clothes fit, and ultimately that's what's important. We put too much emphasis on the scale and numbers, and when you are active, you naturally build muscle which weighs more than fat. It's hard to break that habit, but you'll never be happy if you don't. I'm still working on it.

Back to the grind

2008-12-08T10:27:00.002-05:00

I didn't write last week and it was intentional. I was busier than normal at work where I normally take the time (I know, slacker) and my evenings were spent in a tired funk, a combination of feeling exhausted and down. I did get on the scale on both Tuesday and Friday, my weights were 207 and 208 respectively.

Due to recurring car troubles and a late night last Sunday thanks to a Neil Diamond concert and some overnight guests, I missed the gym until last Thursday so that didn't help matters. When I did get back, I focused on cardio making it about 2 weeks since I'd done any weights. I decided that today I'd get back to my regular workout and get back on track. I did get some more positive feedback last week though which, while I don't really see it, made me feel a bit better. A guy I talk to at the gym mentioned that I looked leaner, that my body was changing somewhat, especially in the chest area. Now leaner might be a stretch, I'm heavier than I was when I began lifting, and I'll be damned if I can see any changes in my physique. So this makes 3 people in the last couple of weeks who've mentioned how I looked thinner: Red, her sister, and this guy at the gym. Now on the flip side, my mother was up for the concert last weekend and she hasn't seen me since about August. She asked me if I was still going to the gym which made me think she thought I looked heavier without saying it. Since I am heavier than I was the last time she saw me, by a good 8-10lbs, I'm more inclined to believe she thinks I've gained, and she would be right. If that's what she was getting at. But that's 3 to 1 in favour of me looking thinner and my vote doesn't count so I don't know what to think.

On the plus side, I'm having no cravings, no desire to take advantage of the treats that are being brought in to work this Xmas season, although I did buy some tickets to our company's cake walk last week and won a Snickers cake and a tray of brownies. Both were delicious although the cake was too sweet. After enjoying a couple of slices this weekend, I'm done with it. The brownies were awesome and didn't stand a chance of lasting too long. I polished them off so at least I begin this week without temptations. Aside from that, I did enjoy some nachos and salsa, pizza for dinner on Saturday and because we'd been talking about it for what seemed like forever, A&W on Sunday. But that's done now, we've had our fill and I'm ready to climb back on the horse.

Getting back to the weights this morning was exhausting. I switched things up a bit by mixing my chest and arm exercises together with the intention of doing my back and shoulders tomorrow. Normally i do chest and back, then arms and shoulders the next day and now I know why. The arm workouts take too much out of me and it makes doing the chest work too hard as after a few sets, my arms are rubber. So I'm going to revert back to what I was doing out of necessity. Lunges felt okay, that sharp pain in my rump is gone, now I just have to avoid a repeat of that. My right shoulder feels good, I'm thinking maybe building up some muscle around it has helped. We'll see how things go tomorrow as that's when it'll be tested.

2008-11-28T15:58:00.004-05:00

Despite having what I think was a good week eating wise, my weight went up to 209.5lb. I did cardio all week instead of weights, kept out of the junk, even started drinking water! Now I know last weekend wasn't superb, but I've done worse. So I can't even begin to explain this one. It certainly didn't help my already fragile psyche and depressed mood.

I'm starting to wonder why I am even bothering?

week from Hell

2008-11-26T10:51:00.003-05:00

So the past week has been one of stress and anxiety. The clutch on my car gave up the ghost last Wednesday after a few weeks of rough driving. I had originally taken it in a week earlier but the problem had mysteriously vanished upon arrival at the garage. Kind of like when you're really sick and by the time you get in to see the doctor, you're feeling better.

Well, the clutch started acting up again and left me no choice but to take it in since my car had become undriveable. Of course, it was one of those things that takes down a bunch of other stuff with it, so I ended up needing a few other items fixed which blew the bill up to $2600, over half of it labour. I felt absolutely sick when I was told the amount, after all, I drive a 2002 Ford Focus, the bottom line of their vehicles. Just a couple of weeks before that, Red had bought winter tires for it as a birthday gift so that was another $500 give or take (no rims), and I had just had it in for a tune up and service that cost over $800. So that puts the total amount of money pumped into this thing in the last month or so at about $3900. I doubt it's even worth that much if I traded it. I seem to recall seeing the resale value at around the $5000 mark a while back when looking it up online, so at least I know if I sold it privately, I'd hopefully get enough to cover the remainder of my car loan. But Jesus Christ!

It just hasn't been our month, or last couple of months; a wedding out west we originally decided to attend but later thought the better of (too late of course, you can't refund airline tickets), so we ended up spending a lot of money travelling out there to attend that, the garage door was falling apart and needed to be replaced, the hot water heater and furnace both quit (though thankfully a few weeks apart), Red's taxes were reassessed for the umpteenth time and she allegedly owes more, my car issues, and I'm sure there's more that I'm missing. It hasn't been a good run and I'm bummed out. Christmas is fast approaching and while we've agreed to scale back the expenses, it's still going to be costly. You can't avoid it. A hundred bucks here, another hundred there, fifty here, twenty there, it adds up.

And my ability to save has gone down since the summer and we have a wedding to pay for. Plus with all the restructuring going on in the wake of the economic crisis, who knows how long I may have a job for? I work in the private sector and jobs are going south fast. My job can be easily erased and I know it. With the looming recession, I don't know how long it would take to find another job, at least one that pays a reasonable salary. I've got my name out there but nothing's happening. It's very stressful.

On the diet side, my weight remained unchanged from weeks previous so that sucks. Because of my car issues and no loaner or rental available, I missed a couple days of work and the gym. I did get back Monday and decided to go for some cardio this week just to burn calories and give my muscles a break. My glute is feeling better, not perfect but better, so that's good. I did miss most of my workout yesterday as my car developed power issues on the way to the gym and I thought it best to run it over to the garage right away, so another lost day. I've been okay diet wise, the weekend was not good at all as I let myself eat and drink some of my stress away, but aside from that, I'm fine. No real cravings or desires haunting me which is nice.

Red's sister was over last Thursday and mentioned that I looked thinner that I had in September when she last seen me. So did an older woman who works out at the gym and sees me almost daily. I have to admit I think them, and Red who mentioned it last week, are on crack since I'm up about 5lb since the first of September so how can I possibly look thinner? And besides, I see a not so flat belly protruding these days whereas in late August when I was below 200lb, I did not.

Maybe the weight lifting is making some physical changes in me that I'm not seeing? I wouldn't think so since it has only been 4 weeks and my weight has gone up, not down. But I am my own worst critic so maybe i'm just blind to it. I don't know. This week I'm doing cardio in an effort to kill some calories and see if I can move my weight. Plus, I want to give my glute a chance to heal up more and give my body a break overall, I'll go back to the weights next week.

Red's plotting a trip to Cuba for late February, she must not be feeling the money crunch like I am. I'm not a beach person, with this body, taking off my shirt and strutting around isn't something I'm comfortable doing. I don't care if others are doing it, I'm sensitive about my body and have no desire to show it off. I haven't been anywhere like this before so I don't know what to expect. It's not exactly my idea of a fun vacation, but it's something she likes to do and it's her turn to pick.

Maybe i'll like it, but with how I'm feeling these days, I can't get into it. I get home and just want to sit quietly. Volleyball isn't much fun, dancing is over for now and the snow is falling. I'm worried about cash, my job and my diet. There's a concert we're going to this weekend with her parents, my mom and my sister, but I'm not into it. I chose not to go to another one I might have enjoyed for next week and our Christmas plans have yet to be firmed up.

Truth is, I resent all the travelling I have to do at Xmas. Everyone expects us to attend their Xmas meal but we simply cannot do that. And my birthday falls 2 days before Xmas so we have to figure out how to deal with that as well. We only have 4 days to work with and none of the options appeals to me. I hate Christmas.

2008-11-19T13:41:00.002-05:00

My ass hurts. I'm serious. Whatever is going on down there is making my life miserable. I can feel a dull pain in my right glute when i'm sitting, when i stand it hurts, and i can't do lunges anymore leaving me to do squats, which for some reason I can still do painfree. A couple of other exercises aggravate it too, 3-point barbell lift, leg and knee lifts, steps. So how long did it take me to hurt myself? Well, I've been doing this new routine for 4 weeks now and this started last week so......

I was worried about pulling a muscle in my back, or my shoulder, not my ass. I'm taking ibuprofen but it hasn't done anything. I'm not in horrible pain, just a sharp pain when i try and do anything that aggravates it. Pain in the ass....literally.

I don't know why, but something the other day reminded me of a certain bully I had in the ninth grade. What's funny, is that I didn't just have one bully in ninth grade, I had two! I think many fatties have bullies at some point in their lives, some all their lives. I hadn't experienced bullying unti the fifth grade when I transferred from a public school to a catholic school for reasons I still don't understand. I think mom has said it had to do with our parish priest badgering her about it but I don't remember us ever spending any time talking to priests. We went to service on Sunday morning and that was it. But I digress....

I went to catholic school until the beginning of high school, grade nine, when we moved into a new house which happened to be in the neighbourhood right behind a public high school. And not just any public high school, QECVI, which bordered on the north end of town where the riff raff lived. The north end of Kingston, the city where I grew up, is the welfare end of town where crime runs rampant. It's an endless cycle of people growing up in the social assistance system and then repeating the pattern. It is truly a foolish soul who wanders through that neighbourhood after dark as random violence runs amuck. The north end is bordered by an overpass, on the south side of the overpass, is a nice neighbourhood where we lived.

Anyway, QECVI was the only high school serving that area so all the riff raff went there. There's another high school on the other side of town that while not as bad, certainly rivalled it for scum, and the two schools frequently traded expelled students since none of the other schools would have them. This is where I ended up going. I thought I'd be going to Regi, the catholic high school in town, where all my friends were going. It was just several blocks away and accessible by bus. But my mom reasoned that why should I go to Regi when there's a high school right across the street? Besides, she wouldn't spring for the uniform. Sometimes I think had I gone to Regi, I might have gotten a better education, some focus in life and ended up better off altogether instead of attending a barely functioning school where the teachers just didn't care and many students wandered around wasted.

Being the fat kid, I was used to taunts and did, in fact, have a bully in grades 5 and 6, but he was nothing like what I endured in grade 9. I met bully #1, Brad C, in art class. It was the last class of the day and he apparently had nothing better to do than bother me, ruin whatever it was I was working on, and demand money, which i had none of making my situation a bit more precarious. Bully #2, Brad S, was from shop class. This guy had a nasty habit of punching me in the arm regularly leaving my upper arm bruised and swollen. He never seemed to want anything from me, he just delighted in terrorizing me. I guess since I was the fat kid, and a quiet, innocent looking kid at that, both figured I was an easy target. And I was.

Brad C just harrassed me daily, wanted money but never physically punished me for it. I remember one day him following me down the street after school trying to antagonize me and when I just kept on walking, he eventually pushed me down into some brush and ordered me to stay there until he left. Kind of dumb but that was about the extent of it. He did manage to turn an old friend of mine against me, causing a bit of a fist fight between us one day, but his annoyance never amounted to much more than threats and taunts.

Brad S, on the other hand, regularly punched me in the arm, and when he got tired of bruising one, he worked on the other. I don't know why I didn't stop him or call for help, maybe I was trying to show I could take it. When my mother eventually seen the bruises, she lost her shit. But my mother is all bark and no bite so nothing ever came of it. My first year in grade 9 was long and painful and it couldn't have ended soon enough. For whatever reason, in grade 10, both Brads must have found better things to do, or another victim. I don't think either of them knew what the other was up to, I can't recall ever seeing them together. If I had of been smart, I might have found a way to manipulate them into fighting each other over domination rights. But I'm not that smart.

Anyway, it was a good 10 or so years after high school and i was coming back from a house party on Wolfe Island on the ferry when who do i see sitting in the cabin, but Brad S! We recognized each other right away since neither of us appeared to have changed much and I wasn't too concerned about him anymore. I was bigger than him, mostly because I was still fat, and I figured we had grown up and left that kid stuff behind. He was reasonably pleasant and we talked about what we were doing these days and I didn't really feel any animosity towards him. But then he noticed the plastic bag i was carrying, it was full of beer bottles. Unopened beer bottles I was bringing home.

With a sly grin, he motioned towards them asking what they were for. I told him and he asked if he could have one. Sure, I said, I'm a nice guy and so what? Right? Well, after I said yes, he suggested I give him 2. Right away I could see he was not much different than he had been at 14. But I still didn't have the testicular fortitude at that time to say no, funny how a bully's power over you can trancend time, so I gave him another. Of course he asked for a third which I gave him and that seemed to make him content.

When the ferry arrived at the dock, we parted ways never to see each other again. I remember feeling angry that I let him get away with that, but I didn't stop him. Inside I was still the quiet, insecure fat kid afraid of being beaten up by some bully. It wasn't that I couldn't have picked him up and deposited him over the side of the boat, I was big and had learned how to use my weight to move stuff, and people if necessary, but I wasn't assertive. So he won, again.

I didn't become more assertive and short of patience for idiots until i was in my early 30's and finally grew a spine. I'm still a nice guy and I always have a nice word for people, but don't piss me off. And especially don't try and bully me. I have no qualms about throwing people over the sides of boats now. Sometimes I wish Brad S would cross my path again.....SPLASH!!

Back to basics

2008-11-17T14:26:00.003-05:00

Monday. Cold bitter Monday. I'm not a fan of Monday, in fact, I don't think I know of anyone who is. But as my coffee lady told me this morning, "You can't have Friday without Monday." So true.

I must have a tear or pull in my right glute muscle as lunges have become quite painful. The pain begins in the glute and when stressed, runs down my thigh. I can still do squats without pain, but lunges are another issue. I got to about the fifth one when I dropped to one knee, I simply couldn't support the weight. So I'll try and not push it, and hopefully it'll settle down in a couple of days. I'm glad it isn't my lower back, at least it doesn't feel like my lower back, so I'm happy about that. I'm not having much of a problem with the bum shoulder, in fact, I think I'm feeling less pain although I'm still having some. Maybe all I needed was to build up the muscle a bit?

I'm back on track diet-wise too. I really felt I needed to cut myself some slack last week and I'm feeling better mentally as result. I upped my dumbell chest presses by 5lbs like I said I would to an even 40lbs. Now when I'm working my chest, I feel like I'm pushing up some real weight. I don't think I've ever pushed up more than 45lbs though in my entire life. It isn't that I couldn't push more, it becomes more a problem of getting the weight up in the air so that I can press it. To explain, you start in a seated position on the bench with the dumbells in your hands. You have to lie back on the bench and get those dumbells above you at the same time so that your arms are outstretched above you. Then you can start doing the presses.

The problem with this is that the heavier the dumbells, the harder it is to get them up in the air in the first place while lying back. At least with a barbell press, the bar is already sitting on the stand above you. Once you lay down, you can reach up, grab it and start doing your presses. With the dumbells, you have to get them up there in the first place and fifty plus pounds in one hand is a lot of weight to lug around. So I've never gotten past 45lbs and even then, it gets tricky. This is where a spotter comes in handy. They can help you get the weight up and steady you as you lay back without you worrying about dropping a dumbell on your head. I'm probably a good month away from getting to this point and to be honest, I'm not worried too much about it since I've been there a hundred times already and worse comes to worst, I'll just start concentrating on doing barbell presses.

I've never been strong at bench pressing, I've seen guys push tons of weight but I'm not one of them. I think I actually bench press less than when I was a teenager. This lack of chest strength is probably linked to my man boobs. For years, when I've decided to lift, I've always spent more time working my chest in an effort to build it up and lose the mams. But despite my efforts, I've never seen a difference either in size or shape. And the man boobs always remained. Of course, I'm hoping to change that this time, but you'll forgive me if I have my doubts. See, I know my body and I know the efforts i've put in before and the results I have or haven't seen. What I wouldn't give to have a nice set of pecs, or at least a flat chest!

Red said that she can see some difference in my mid section, especially around my rib cage. She says that there's some definition happening and I'd like to believe her, but I think it's a little early to be seeing any real changes, especially when my weight has gone up in recent weeks and my mid section is the first place (aside from my face) where excess weight goes. But its nice of her to notice and make the effort. She's my biggest fan. In fact, I think she's my only fan.......

I also increased the intensity of my elliptical workout, albeit only by one setting, but it was a start. It is a bit easy still so I think tomorrow I'm going to set it higher. Maybe go for 9 or 10. There isn't a whole lot of difference between one setting and another, it isn't until you jump a couple that you notice it. But I'm long overdue so it'll be fine. Just wish my ass would stop hurting.......

End of week musings

2008-11-14T13:48:00.003-05:00

Weigh in today: 207lbs. Same as last week. Same as the week before that. Same as.....ah forget it. At least this time I'm not whining about it. As mentioned before, I gave myself a break this week dietwise. I didn't go nuts, but I didn't worry about enjoying something i might have wanted. Like last night, we had Subway for dinner, not unusual, but i bought 6 cookies with it that Red and I shared. And they were pretty good if I might say so myself. Funny thing, Red bought a package of cookies from the grocery store too. Oh well.....

I noticed something this week. As I gave myself license to have something if I wanted it, I found there was nothing I was really craving. Which was odd because when I'm trying to stick to my diet and not partake in these little sins, I find myself wanting all sorts of stuff. But after having some pizza, KFC, doughnuts, Harveys and cookies this week, I'm finding myself not wanting it anymore. And to be honest, I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually would have.

I wonder if the absence of guilt has something to do with this? Perhaps my mindset of feeling deprived makes me want these things more than when I don't have restrictions. I have to say, it's an odd feeling knowing that I can enjoy something yet not really wanting anything. I find myself still reaching for the grapes and clementines we bought, there's something unmatched about their cool freshness that keeps me coming back. Unlike some of the other items i've enjoyed in recent days. Maybe it's over. The wanting. The craving. I hope so, that would be a great thing.

I'm still hitting the gym doing the whole routine. I've started to add weight to the reps as my body gets stronger. I don't want to push it and risk hurting myself (again), but when you aren't struggling to get those last couple of reps up, it's time to add. In the past 4 weeks, I've added 10lbs to my dumbell chest presses, on Monday I'll add another 5lbs bringing it up to 40lbs from a start of 25. My arms and shoulders are holding steady, I haven't increased them as yet. I've also added weight to my lats and back work so I'm making progress in the strength department.

As for my floor work, the pain in my legs and ass from lunges seems to be on and off, but its not too bad. Adding dumbells to the routine seems to cause more stress and thus, pain. But eventually your legs get accustomed to lifting your own body weight and you need to add to it. I'm at this point. Besides everyone else I see doing lunges uses dumbells so I should too. It's been a month, it's time. Most of my problem here, and with exercise in general, is that I find a comfort zone and I don't step out of it. This is not conducive to increasing my fitness level.

Take the elliptical for example: I've been doing this thing for about 9 years and I don't increase the intensity which would work my legs harder. In fact, a few months ago, I actually decreased the intensity from "8" which was a decent workout, to a "7". I believe this particular elliptical has intensity levels ranging from 0 to 15. So I'm working in the middle of the pack, not bad, but let's admit it: lazy. There's no reason for me not to increase the level 1 or 2 notches for the extra burn and an "8" isn't really a hard ride. Again, lazy.

The stationary bike is another one. Since its usually my last stop before hitting the showers, I look upon it as a "cooling down" exercise so I go easy. Too easy I think. It wouldn't hurt me to increase the intensity of that machine so that i at least work up or keep up a sweat. But alas, I peddle easy and read a magazine, old habits die hard.

I read somewhere online a while back something a trainer was saying about how people go to the gym, do their routines, but don't see results then whine about it. He said if they put in some real effort when they do their work, instead of sitting on a bike reading a magazine or watching the TV, they would notice a difference. And it's true. I've always noticed people lallygagging along at the gym, more interested in reading or watching the tube when biking, walking the treadmill, or using the elliptical than focusing on the exercise at hand. And to be honest, I can't recall ever seeing any of them improve body wise. It takes more than just showing up and running thru a half assed routine. It takes focus and effort. And I'm just a guilty of it as anyone. I may spend more time at the gym than some of them, and I may work a little harder since sometimes it appears they've set the intensity at its lowest setting, but I could work harder.

With lifting, i do work hard, but I probably don't put enough effort in. But in my defence, I am worried about hurting myself. And I don't have a spotter. You can only lift so much until you require someone standing there watching in case your muscles fail and you can't get that bar up that one last time. But I do try. Really I do. My laziness is mostly in cardio. I really should put more effort into it.

As I reflect upon the past week, I'm looking forward to getting back to normalcy in my diet. Truth is, i'm just not enjoying the sins. And if I'm not going to enjoy them, then what's the point? And I have to give the diet and new exercise routine an honest chance to work before I declare it an abysmal failure. As stated in the past, I've got to get rid of the bread. I think that's the biggest issue facing me. The junk I can take or leave so that's not a problem as I'm about done with it. And I think I will add some intensity to my cardio workout next week. I'm way overdue there and anything more will only burn more calories.

I was talking to a guy in the locker room I've gotten to know a bit and he said something I've often said myself, "I just have no gas in the tank this week." I reminded him that while sometimes it truly is physical and your body just needing a break, many times it's mental and it's important to work through that, to get your head in the game. He agreed and said his trainer says the same thing. So working out is a mental game as much as it is a physical one. I've always known this, my headspace is my greatest nemesis. Always has been. I need to gear up again and take this thing to the next level. And I will. I will see 190lbs or less by summer, if not before. I will NOT be bloaty for my wedding pics. NO CHANCE IN HELL!!

What? Me Worry?

2008-11-12T15:49:00.002-05:00

Mid week and I'm in a weird mood. The weekend wasn't too bad until we got to Sunday. That's when it all went to Hell in a handbag. We had ribs for dinner which was a good start, but afterwards we both were craving dessert. I suggested ice cream and Red was game so off we went for a cone. That wouldn't have been too bad on its own but i popped some corn after that so the day was a wash. Interesting note on Sunday morning; i got on the scale just out of curiousity (i don't know why i do that to myself) and weighed 203. Unbelieveable considering i was out drinking Saturday night so it was probably just dehydration, but the loss of about 4lbs since Friday kind of reaffirmed the bloating argument for me. Sadly, i doubt I'm 203 now.

Red was out to dinner on Monday with her mom so i was left to my own devices. I grabbed a sub on the way home and then cooked up a frozen calzone we bought over the weekend. I don't know why i cooked it up, i wasn't hungry, i just wanted it. And they aren't very good anyway, too much dough, not enough sauce and stuffings. So another bad one.

Tuesday I missed the gym due to Remembrance Day and the gym opening later in the day and I grabbed a couple of slices for lunch instead of eating the salad and soup i brought. For dinner, Red cooked a pork loin with veggies, but after that, we ended up visiting the local Tim Hortons for doughnuts and cookies. Why did we do that?

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm in a weird mood. Yesterday I thought i was slipping into one of my bad moods, they don't just happen, they build over a couple of days then last for however long. These moods are dangerous foodwise. Like any stress, they tend to make me want to eat. This morning my clutch seemed like it was giving up the ghost so i decided to take it into the garage for a look. Oddly enough, it started functioning again normally about halfway there so i went straight to work. I did take it in at lunch to get some advice on what to do and they said just to wait and see what it does. It might be okay now so we'll see. Either way, it added to this weird mood and i ended up ordering some KFC for lunch instead of eating my soup and salad. Dinner at this point is still to be decided.

I'm wondering if maybe i'm getting frustrated at my perceived lack of successes lately and am lashing out. The guilt, the cravings, the frustrations, it's all bothering me. I've sort of decided to just let it go this week and while not go crazy, at least cut myself a break. I'm still going to the gym so all is not lost. Maybe i just need to get it out of my system. Sometimes you have to do that, just get it out. I enjoyed that doughnut and cookies last night without guilt and it felt good. I didn't enjoy the KFC today as much as i'd hoped but that's a good thing. It means i won't want it again. I do want a hamburger, perhaps one from Harveys. Red's been talking Harvey's lately too. Maybe one of these evenings for dinner.......

I'm not sure when to go tuxedo shopping for the wedding. I was thinking the spring since the wedding is on September 5 and wedding season will still be in full swing. My concern is being the size i want to be for it. I will make it, I'm determined to do so. But I think this week, I'm not going to fret, I seem to do enough of that. I need a vacation.....

Not seeing the end yet....

2008-11-07T13:10:00.004-05:00

I think maybe I should give up on the scale. I just don't think that lifting weights with a side of cardio is very conducive to weight loss despite what you see on TV. Today I was 207lbs which is a half pound gain from last week. That makes about 4 weeks of gains in a row. I knew there would be a gain at first, but i thought it would start to taper off by now. It hasn't. And there's no way I have gained 4lbs of muscle in 3 weeks, it just doesn't happen. I realize its not new fat so its not like it was before when i'd gain, but it's demoralizing. I've been good, for the most part, I'm working hard at the gym, but still the scale defies me. What am I doing that these people on those weight loss shows aren't? They lift weights. I lift weights. They do cardio, I do cardio. They eat better, I eat better. Yet they lose pounds and I gain! I'm about ready to load the gun.

Now that I have my measurements, I can use that too, but its too early to measure again. Maybe in another week, but I think once a month would be best. Your body just doesn't change that fast unless you're on some radical diet. And I know that you don't see changes in your body lifting weights for a while. So I wait.....not so patiently.

I'm starting to develop some aches and pains and not the normal ones like those i had when I began this new regimen. For one, my glutes are hurting (that's my ass to those not in the know), and it started a few days ago. I think it's the lunges as squats aren't quite as risky. I really feel it when i step out to make the lunge, feels like my glute is on fire. I usually do my lunges without weights in hand as is normally done. I tried it on day one and it was friggin' hard. I figured I'd just use my body weight for now until my legs were strong enough to endure the extra that will come with holding 2 dumbells. Well yesterday, i decided that maybe i was taking the wuss' way out since i've been doing lunges for almost 3 weeks now and i should be able to do more than just my own weight.

I grabbed a pair of 20lb dumbells and went at it. My God! What a difference! With the first step, it felt like i had a small child on my back it was that much heavier. In retrospect I guess it was since I was carrying an extra 40lbs. (What does a small child weigh now anyways?) I barely got 5 done before i put down the weights and finished with my hands on my waist as per usual. For the last set, I grabbed a pair of 10lb dumbells and it was easier, but still, it made a big difference. Today I didn't use weights during the lunges, the pain in my ass was uncomfortable and I didn't want to exacberate and already touchy situation. I only managed to get 3 sets of lunges done as i suffered a pain shooting down my leg when i began the last set so i quit.

Also, I've developed an ache in my lower back, right about where my back went out last spring. It's not as bad as then and i've been doing my back strengthening exercises daily to prevent a reoccurence of this injury, but it's definitely there. Again, I think it's the lunges. My shoulder hates me too, certain lifts at certain angles make it cry out in pain, but I'm determined to suffer thru it. I do try to minimize the efforts i make at these angles but the truth is, no matter what i do, it hurts. It's been this way for months and it doesn't appear to want to heal up anytime soon, and damned if i'm going to wait another year for it. Aside from that, I'm fine.

So what to do? Well, I can't just give up the new program yet, it's only been 3 weeks. I need the muscle growth and the core strength and you don't get that from cardio. I admit to not being as good as i could be with my diet, or rather, lifestyle, but everyone's entitled to something sometimes. And I eat well overall, I should be able to enjoy a transgression here and there without being penalized horribly for it. I'm going to give it a couple of months and if things don't improve, i might be forced to return to all cardio all of the time to burn off the fat. It's not what I want to do, but i have a wedding next September to trim down for and I need to make sure I accomplish this goal. It pisses me off to no end that that I've been stuck at this 200-207lbs weight span for the past almost year. I was this weight at the beginning of December.....last year!! And I was 196 in late August! This has gotten ridiculous! I need to see something soon before I really start to lose it.

Addictions

2008-11-05T11:45:00.004-05:00

We watched "Half Ton Man" on TLC last night. It isn't hard to catch one of these obesity shows as TLC seems to have become a one stop haven for human freak shows; everything from obesity to midgets, odd diseases, steroid freaks, lottery winners, you name it you can find it on TLC. We've seen this one before, it centers on Patrick Dueul who weighed more than a 1000lbs before being rescued from his home and treated at hospital, where he's managed to lose something like 500lbs with help from a gastric bypass surgery. It also featured another man, Michael Hebranko, known as the human who has lost the most amount of weight ever, over 700lbs, with help from Richard Simmons.

Dueul was in terrible shape, at his worst, he was just a big blob of humanity, a small head sticking out from the top, no neck in sight. He was bedridden and hadn't left the house in years, his wife Edie caring for him constantly. Apparently, he suffered some sort of medical crisis, I missed the first few minutes, and he had to be rescued from his home to be taken to hospital. This rescue involved cutting a massive hole into the side of his house to retrieve him and special equipment and vehicle to transport him.

Now I've seen this footage before and it boggles my mind that someone can allow themselves to get so out of control that it comes to this. But what really made my head spin was the surprise his wife and family had when this medical crisis occured. They were dumbfounded! "You mean he could die?" was one's remarks.

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid some people can be. When looking at Dueul's childhood, his parents maintained that Patrick never ate more than anybody else, he just grew faster than others. Then, later, they say he was always eating, that he never seemed full. Dueul himself maintains that he doesn't eat more than others, that it's genetics. There's a scene where the interviewer is questioning his wife about his diet and Patrick angrily fires back,"It's genetics!" as his wife just sits there like a good girl. The camera then panned their home and kitchen and there's junk food everywhere. Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner, chip bags, soda pop cases, all the signs of poor food choices. They then watch as Edie goes grocery shopping, God forbid she buy fruits and veggies, nope, she's buying frozen pizzas, pop, chips, etc. because this is what he likes. How's that for denial? Even while he's in the hospital, she brings him KFC!! Ya, genetics...whatever.

Midway through this horror show, they bring out Michael Hebranko. Apparently this guy lost a lot of weight through diet and exercise and Richard Simmons back in the early 80s and became somewhat of a minor celebrity. Sadly, he regained all the weight plus some and is once again super obese. However, unlike Mr. Dueul who is convinced his obesity is due to genes and not his poor eating habits, thanks to mommy and daddy and his enabling wife, who herself looks to be about a hundred pounds overweight, Hebranko knows he did it to himself. He admits at one point that after he lost the weight and was doing well, he decided to have a Nathaniels hotdog. That turned into 2, then 3, then 4, and so on. Then came fries, and of course fries need cheese sauce and there we go! It's like a snowball rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger and more out of control. But at least he understands that he did it to himself, that he makes bad choices and caves to his cravings.

This brought a disagreement between Red and me, who look at this whole issue rather differently. For Red, it's changing the behaviour, it's all cognitive. If you feel the craving, talk yourself out of it. Ask yourself why you want it, how do you feel at that moment, try and understand what is causing it and beat it; thinking about food all the time is the problem, you have to change that. While I agreed with her to a degree, if I, and anybody else with an eating disorder, had to spend all that time thinking about why we want something in addition to the time we are already spending thinking about food, we'll do nothing else BUT think of food. The constant battle that rages inside us will escalate and makes us more miserable than we already are. But it isn't like Red doesn't know the subject.

She was fat for most of her life too. It wasn't until she was in her late 20's that she decided to do something about it. So she made better food choices to lose the weight. She cut out all the junk and fast food, she's always been a one meal a day person so she made that a good meal, and over the course of a few years, she lost the weight. No, she didn't exercise so yes it took longer than it should, but the result was basically the same.

But how is it that Red was able to change her eating habits virtually overnight and stay with it and most of us, including me, cannot? She watches me struggle with it daily; I'm a muncher, always have been, and she isn't. Thanks to my influence, she has taken to some munching, but nothing like me. I think she also has OCD so once she gets something in her head, it's pretty much stuck there which probably helps greatly. Red is very bright and informed but I just don't think she gets it. She didn't get fat by eating all the time, she just ate the wrong foods and lots of it when she ate her lone meal of the day. Plus, she's essentially a couch potato so she wasn't burning any of these extra calories off. But I've always been a muncher, I like to eat so I do it often. Even if its grapes or pineapple, I'm still eating. I grew up like this, she didn't. So she can't possibly know what its like to not eat. It's an addiction and I believe it's much like any other addiction: one is too many, and one is not enough.

Red can open a candy bar and have a couple of pieces, I have to eat the whole bar. When I was miserable over not having popcorn at the movies anymore, Red suggested getting a small, to me that was ludicrous! A small will only feed the craving. My mom says I eat things "to death". If I like something and get into a craze for it, I eat lots of it and often. It doesn't last long, but a few weeks usually. But I've always been this way. I can't just change the way I'm wired. Sure, it'd be great if I could be satisfied with just a taste of something, but I'm not. When we order pizza, we get a medium. That gives each of us 3 slices and we usually get something with lots of toppings so it's filling. But a part of me wants to order the large so that I can have more. But that's dumb because I'm full by the time I'm done with my 3 slices. Sometimes Red doesn't finish her 3rd slice and I'll eat it and that makes me quite full. But yet, I still want the large size. Why? I know I couldn't eat another bite, yet I'll buy garlic bread with cheese to go with it and end up feeling sick after.

I'm a logical guy so why do I do this to myself? Why does Michael Hebranko do it? Or Patrick Dueul? Addiction. Eating is a pleasant experience, one that I enjoy very much. I eat when I'm not hungry, I eat when I'm stressed out. I feel good when I eat, it makes me happy. Yet it makes me miserable. It only makes me miserable because of what it does to my body, if I was one of those lucky people who have lightning fast metabolisms, I'd be so happy. But I don't. I have to work hard to lose and maintain a decent weight and that means not eating all the time. And this is the problem.

I have the inner dialogue, in fact, I talk to myself all the time about my eating and my weight. While I've made huge changes in what I munch on and the choices I make, I'm still eating all the time. Even if I'm eating a handful of grapes or some pineapple, think of the calories I could be saving if I didn't reach into the fridge for them. I've done that and I spend all my time focusing on what it is I'm trying to avoid. It's maddening! I don't want to think about food anymore, I'm tired of counting calories and thinking about what side I can have with my chicken breast. Or what I should have for dinner because I ate a certain something for lunch. But this is my reality for better or worse. I wish I was more like Red.

Up again

2008-11-04T13:38:00.002-05:00

Neglected to write on Friday after weigh in and didn't find the time to do it over the weekend either. Actually, I probably could have written something but the whole thing has been kind of depressing so my desire to write has diminished. For the record, the scale read: 206.5lbs.

Now I know I said I needed to give it time. And I know how this all works when you start lifting weights. But ferchrissakes, it's demoralizing! And what kind of effect did it have on me? Well, Friday was Halloween so there were trays of goodies placed around the office. Did I partake? Well of course! Friday is also the day our Marketing department has donuts and while I normally ignore them, this time I decided not to. So put me down for 2. Friday was also the day our group was supposed to go for lunch to celebrate the launch of our new platform, but it was delayed until Tuesday as some last minutes things came up and people were too busy. We were told early morning of this change and since I didn't bring a lunch, I decided to hit the cafeteria and get a club sandwich, after all I was hungry from my workout and figured it would carry me through the day. It didn't.

Towards the tail end of lunch hour, I was feeling hungry again so I decided to grab a couple slices of pizza. Finally the day ended and I headed home where I drank several beers in anticipation of going out to a Halloween bash at a bar. So in terms of actual food, I only ate a couple slices of pizza and a club sandwich, but in terms of junk, I went way over my quota. Not good.

Saturday first thing, we had to pick up our engagement pics and we ended up going for breakfast. For dinner was pizza and garlic bread with cheese. To be honest, I was physically sick after this. Too much food. I don't know why i get the garlic bread, greedy I guess. Sunday we made a shepherds pie which was really good. I did have a bowl of Special K for breakfast, a tuna sandwich for lunch and some fruit throughout the day and evening, but again, I can't help but feel I overate.

Monday I woke up ready to resume my regimen and give up the junk. I hope it sticks this time. There was a large shopping bag of Halloween candies left in the office that I was able to ignore so I 'm pleased about that. Today, the group went for that lunch and I had spaghetti and meatballs. For dinner, I might finish the shepherds pie, but I'll see how I feel. As I write this, I'm about an hour or so from eating lunch and I'm quite full. I'm sure I'll feel better later but I can't help but feel that maybe I should go light considering. And this is where it gets hard.

Should I eat a normal dinner or just find something lighter to munch on? It wasn't a huge plate of spaghetti, just a lunch size with 3 big meatballs. There was bread, of which I had a couple of pieces. I drank water so no extra calories there. I brought a couple of apples and a pear for the day so how much room do i have left in the calorie counter? It's harder to tell now because my workout is so different. How many calories am I burning off lifting weights? I know you don't burn a lot, so I have to compensate for that. However, you can't lift weights and eat like a bird either. Your body needs sustenance to build muscle and grow strong. On the other side, you can't eat like a pig either, its not like I'm training for several hours a day.

There's a part of me that is tempted to return to the mind numbing weariness of cardio for an hour and a half, but another part telling me to stick it out and be patient. Thing is, I think I look fat these days. I see a much thicker midsection than was there only a couple of months ago and it has me worried. But I can't go back to straight cardio, it's too painful. I like the feeling of my body being worked to almost exhaustion and I don't get that from cardio. I want to build muscle and be strong, again, something I won't get from cardio. Is the 25 minutes of cardio at the end of my workout enough? I know the calithstenics I do must be worth something, they leave me winded.

I watch others working, trying to pick up tips and strategies. I seem to be in line with most of them. We all do floor work, squats, lunges, weights, cardio. If it works for them, surely it'll work for me? Right? Right?

I finally took my body measurements on Saturday so now I have something else to measure against. I'll take them again in a month. That should tell me a different story if the scale doesn't start to drop. But I'm sure it will. I'm just bitching. I'm used to immediate results, patience is not one of my virtues. I'll give it till Christmas, then re-evaluate.

Wondering....

2008-10-30T11:33:00.002-04:00

I stepped on the scale today, mostly out of curiousity, although I am due for my weekly weigh-in tomorrow and it read: 205lbs. So no change from last week. Can't say I'm surprised since I have no idea when my body will give up the retained water or when my new workout will begin to show results on the scale. I think it's going to be awhile so I need to accept that and not let it get me down. I still haven't gotten my measurements done, I did mention it to Red the other day and she was game but it hasn't happened yet. Hopefully by the weekend.

I'm wondering if I'm getting enough cardio now that weight lifting and other calithstenics are the biggest part of my workout. I'm in the gym for approximately 2 hours; only about 25 minutes of that is dedicated to cardio and that's at the end of the workout. I've been alternating between the stationary bike and the elliptical but I'm wondering if maybe I should be just doing the elliptical because it burns more calories.

Another thing I've been wondering is whether or not I should alternate between weights and cardio throughout the week. Maybe do weights Monday, Wednesday and Friday and cardio the other two days. It would increase the amount of cardio i get in a week but I would have to compress my weight workout into that 2 hour window and I don't think it can be done without speeding things up. I have tried cutting the resting time between exercises down so as to keep up a good pace, but it really tires me out after a couple of sets. I think this is referred to as increasing the intensity of your workout, but I don't know if I can cut any more rest time out without just going from one exercise to the next without a break. I'm already pretty quick moving from one to another and I just don't know. Plus, if I'm not careful, I could hurt myself and then I'm screwed.

I'm not sure what to do, I know I need both, but how to do it without spending 3 or more hours in a gym every day? I'm only concerned about it because of the great calorie burn I'm getting from the cardio which is unmatched with other exercises. But on the other hand, as I grow muscle, that will burn more calories in a resting state which is a good thing too. The more muscle you have, the higher your metabolism works to burn calories. Maybe I'm just getting impatient with my weight. Not so much with the last two weeks since the change, but overall and this inability I have to shed the 200lb threshold. I know I can do it by going back to straight cardio, but that workout is severly lacking and I need more strength. Plus, I really want to grow some muscle and fill out better. I hate the way my body looks and I know I can affect some changes to it, not all I'd like, but maybe enough to make me content. Then again, maybe not.

I thought losing 170lbs would make me happy, it didn't. But i think most of that was because of how I ended up looking with loose flabby skin hanging off me and man-boobs that won't go away. These things are so stubborn that when I was sick with issues from my stapling surgery, they were the last remnants of fat to disappear after just about every other ounce of fat had melted away. It wasn't until I was about 140lbs that I finally had a flat chest! And guess what came back first when I was healthy again? 3 guesses and your first 2 are wrong! There's a medical term for them: gynecomastia. Among the causes of them: low testosterone, drugs, medical disorders, and of course obesity. Now since I'm not obese anymore, I shouldn't have them, right? Wrong. Maybe I'm low in testosterone? Never had a doctor tell me so, so who knows?

When I had my tummy tuck done in '03, I asked the surgeon to perform lipo on them hoping that would solve the issue. It didn't. He sucked out some fat but without correcting the hanging skin, they remained and while they were somewhat softer (this is starting to sound like a soft core porn blog), the manboobs remained. He did tell me that time would solve it since he had sucked the fat out, the skin would retract. It never did. So I'm trying, once again, to do something I've tried in the past: do enough chest exercises to encourage muscle growth and hopefully fill out the boobs with muscle and make them more natural looking for a male. In all the years I've worked with weights, it's never happened and I'm pessimistic it will this time, but I might as well try again. Guess we'll see.

What's average?

2008-10-29T11:45:00.004-04:00

I find myself looking into the mirror often, searching for changes in my body as I navigate this thing called weightloss. Sometimes, I look bloaty, my belly fuller and rounder than normal, other times it seems deflated which makes my whole body look droopy and out of shape. My face seems to go from looking round to more angular, or about as angular as my face gets, then seems puffy again. About the only thing that never seems to change is my ass and legs. Even at my biggest, I never had big legs and a flat ass seems to be a family trait.

I really noticed a flatter tummy last December when I was first around 207lbs. At that time, I had lost about 20lbs since September and it really showed. I thought I looked "thinner" and so did Red, who before all this professed to have not noticed my round belly (funny how losing some weight can change someone's perspective, of course so is being blinded by love). But these days, being about 203-205lbs, I seem bigger than that. Somedays my body seems deflated and I look to be down a few pounds, other times, I'm bloaty. But the thing is, I'm actually lighter than I was in December and yet, I think I look bigger.

I can remember feeling really great about my loss then, showing myself off to family and feeling confident about my looks. A couple of people at work even commented on my loss. But now, almost a year later, I don't see it. Is it possible that you get so used to seeing yourself that you no longer see what's really there? Can your perspective be lost over time? How can I be lighter than I was before yet see myself as bigger? Could it be because I've been almost 10lbs lighter since then and my perspective has adjusted to seeing anything over 200lbs as fat?

I'm notorious for checking myself out in a mirror, windows when walking around outside, anywhere I can get a reflection. It's something I inherited from my dad, some kind of insecurity I'm sure, and I'm always judging myself. And I know I'm harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be, it seems nobody else sees the fat guy I do. And the engagement photos from a couple of weeks ago? Proof positive I'm pudgy. Now come on, nobody in their right mind could possibly look at me and not see a small weight problem. I'm hardly thin or thin looking, you can't miss the roll around my waist nor my wonderful man-boobs depending on the shirt I'm wearing ( I don't go shirtless in public for this very reason). Depending on what I'm wearing, I look fairly average, but to say I don't have a weight problem? Nonsense! I mean if you are talking about obesity and people who are obviously very overweight, then no, I don't have a problem anymore. But to deny I am a good 20lbs overweight? Sorry, but you'd be wrong.

I get this from various people in my life. My sister wonders why I'm still trying to lose weight. She's known me forever and has seen me at my biggest and my thinnest. She thinks I'm about right. Red sees me as about right too although she understands that need to lose that nagging 10lbs that seems to keep you in its devious grip. Her mom, a nurse and therefore should know better, thinks I'm crazy for thinking I'm overweight. Has being 20lbs overweight as the average for many people become that normal that its no longer considered fat? Have we become so conditioned to seeing people with a roll hanging over their belts like a muffintop, or a round face, that we think that's what we're supposed to look like?

I've always thought it was ironic that as I was finally losing weight to look normal, the population was actually becoming fatter, like a role reversal. Back in the day when I was obese and going out, you didn't see many fat chicks at the clubs, they all seemed thin and sexy, same too with many guys. But now, the club is full of fat chicks. And not just the middle aged women, the young ones are just as bad, stuffed into shiny or cut off tops that only exaggerate their fat midsections and rolls. When I was online dating, many women were overweight yet in their descriptions of themselves, they declared themselves "average". Average? Of course, the excuse is "the average dress size has gone up to a 12 or 14 and since I'm a 12 or 14, that makes me average." Guess it depends on what side of the coin you're on.

I know I'll never be thin looking and my body will never be "buff" looking due to all the loose skin hanging off me, but my hope is that by working out with weights, I'll grow enough muscle to help fill out my upper body and minimize the flabby look I've cultivated. It should help with the way my shirts and leather jacket fit too which would be nice since when my body looks deflated, I kind of look pathetic really (shirtless). Of course, my dad looks like this too, except that he's never been fat, so he doesn't have the hanging skin and roll. I suppose its just a family body trait that I should accept, and maybe if I looked like my dad more bodywise, I might feel better about it. But for now, it's demoralizing. I haven't approached the scale since Friday, somehow I'm afraid of what I might see. I've been good for the most part and I've worked hard at the gym. It would be nice to see something positive.

The hardest to lose

2008-10-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

It's Monday and my pain is gone. Well, the muscle aches I had from switching things up last week are gone, my right shoulder is still hurting and i don't forsee an end to that anytime soon. Maybe as the muscles around it grow stronger, it'll sort itself out.

Did a full workout this morning and it felt good. While I know I'm not burning as many calories as I used to doing cardio for 70 minutes, my body feels like its been worked and I like that. I know I'm getting stronger and the payoff in the end will be good. Once my body settles into the routine and my muscles start to grow, the calories will burn off again. Or at least that's the hope.

The weekend wasn't too great, but not too bad I suppose. Shouldn't have had so many tacos Saturday and definitely shouldn't have done popcorn either. At least not until I see how things are going with my routine. As long as I'm about 185-190lbs by summer, I'll be happy. That's 15-20lbs, a weight so many people would love to have as their goal instead of the 40-50+ so many actually do.

Red said something the other day that rang quite true. She said that back in the day when we were big, it was nothing to drop 20lbs, you didn't even have to think too much about it. And that when you're trying to drop a measly 10lbs, it's the hardest thing to do. God, I can remember when I signed up with the Weight Loss Clinic, I lost 12.3lbs over the first weekend I was on their program. They were all ecstatic, there was this chalkboard they used in the lobby where people could write down their losses, sort of a badge of honour. Someone said they didn't think anyone had lost that much over a two day span at the clinic, so my loss was a big deal. At least they made it out to be one.

But when you're heavier, dropping 10 or 20 is as easy as not making that trip to the McDonalds for a couple of days, maybe drinking water instead of pop or juice and not wolfing down a bag of chips. In short, it's mostly bloat. And the bigger you are, the more bloated you are. When you're only 20lbs from your goal weight, it's real fat you're trying to lose and it's not going without a fight. This is very common and it's incredibly frustrating. Red has been trying to shed 10lbs for what seems like months now. She seems to make some progress, maybe 3-4lbs, then it goes back up. Sometimes its monthly and there's nothing she can do about it, but other times, it's like me: she makes a few bad decisions and voila! An extra few pounds she has to re-lose.

My issues have been this inability to get below 200 and stay there. If you recall, I reached 207 last December before the Christmas goodies started coming out. Since then, I've been losing and regaining 10lbs and to be quite honest, I'm starting to lose my shit with this. At end of August, I was 196 and thought I had left 200 behind. But a week off work, then an inability to get things under control again led me back to 203. On Friday I was 205, but some of that is water retention from my new workout, so I'm probably still 202-203. If it weren't for the missteps I seem to keep making, I would have reached my goal of 185-190 by last summer. Instead, I'm stuck in a whirlwind from which I cannot escape.

I wonder sometimes if maybe 200 is where my body wants to be. That maybe my lifestyle suits 200. Back in the early 2000's when i was in college and still under the control of my stomach stapling, I floated between 204-207. But there are similarities between then and now. For the most part, I was sitting for the day, then in a classroom, now in a cubicle. I went to the gym 4-5 times a week then and now. I ate junk back then, juices, basically no fruit or veggies, real pop, popcorn at the movies, etc. Now I eat healthier, no junk, diet pop, lots of fruit and veggies and I'm still stuck around 200. When I graduated in 2004, while waiting for my first job out of college, i worked full time in a paint store and within a few months, I had dropped to a nice 180lbs. So it's pretty obvious the extra mobility and exercise I was getting in that job was beneficial to me.

So how to rectify that now? We try to take walks during the evening when we can although we've been remiss lately. Both of us do take walks during our lunch hours if the weather's decent so that helps a bit. On the other hand, we do play volleyball on Wednesday nights, softball on Thursdays during the spring and summer, and currently we're in a rock and jive dance class so we're getting some exercise a couple of nights a week in addition to my going to the gym and Red's Nintendo Wii workout. Frankly, I don't know what else I can do without giving up even more food.

Sure, I could avoid grabbing a slice or two of pizza once in a while during lunch, or not make a trip to the cafeteria at work for a turkey sandwich. But when all you bring to work for lunch is a bag of salad and some apples and pears, a sandwich shouldn't be such an issue. Or I could see about not having those grapes or pineapple in the evening and instead have some cucumber or other veg if anything at all. But i just don't want that. Most times, I do eat out of boredom and not hunger so I probably should find a way to occupy myself better.

All I know is that I'm tired of watching what I eat. I hate not being able to grab a bag of chips and just enjoy them without all the guilt. We've been talking about ordering up some KFC for a change but I haven't been able to pull the trigger on that one yet. I'd love to order a bag of popcorn at the movies once in a while and not think too much about it, or even grab a pretzel or two (because they're small and sooooo good), but i won't. I know the gym is a life sentence and I can't afford to not go so I grit my teeth and bear this cross. The truth is, this is my life for better or for worse. I haven't mastered the art of only enjoying a small sampling of something i crave, to me, if you can't just indulge and enjoy it, what's the point. A taste is just a tease. And I hate to be teased. But when you're unlucky enough to be one of those people who gain weight just by looking at food, you really don't have a choice. If you care at all.

2008-10-24T13:34:00.003-04:00

I added a couple of items to this blog: subscription, newsreel and list of readers or followers of it. If you would like, add your name to the follower's list, it's located on the left side, I'd be curious to see who's reading this thing anymore.

Thanks!

First week done

2008-10-24T10:48:00.002-04:00

So I didn't get lucky like i had hoped but it was what I expected so I can't be too down about it. The scale read 205.5lbs. This happens every time i start to lift weights as part of my workout routine. So now that I've seen the gain, the hope is that it will reverse within the next couple of weeks and I can start to feel good about what i'm doing, scalewise.

I googled this phenomenon and while there is no clear concensus, it would appear to be normal. Some people said that you shouldn't experience any weight gain and if you do, it must be because you're taking in too many calories still. That you feel that since you are working out, you feel you can eat more. Well, that's not what I'm doing. Others said it was normal and that most people experience it. It's bloat, your body is retaining water for the muscles while they adjust to this new routine. Once the body adjusts, it will no longer retain water and you will lose fat. The scale won't drop like it used to I know, after all, I'm building muscle while losing fat so i'll notice most of the changes in my clothes and in my measurements which I've never taken. Maybe I should ask Red to help me out with that this weekend, get out the tape measure and take some measurements, that would be a good indicator of my progress over the next couple of months since i won't be able to count on the scale anymore for validation.

The pain after 5 days of this new routine is lessening, I can walk without wincing, sitting down has gotten easier and my overall mobility is better. I'm still sore somewhat, but I expected a week of pain. Lunges, which caused most of my lower body pain I'm sure, are getting better, steadier. I can do my 4 sets of 10 much easier now and I've still got enough strength left in my legs after to do other leg exercises, which was not the case earlier this week. I attempted to do a step on/step off bench exercise again after a disasterous attempt on Monday and while it looked sloppy and unsteady, I was able to do some. So I'm making progress again, not unusual for me as I tend to adapt to weight lifting fairly easily, the trick will be not hurting myself this time. In that, I cannot guarantee success.

I don't feel that it was ever something I did that, in the past, caused these injuries. I've always paid attention to proper form and I've never been one to push myself that hard as to tear and pull things. I really do feel that my body just isn't built for weight lifting. And its usually the same spots that hurt, right shoulder, left shoulder blade, lower back. I know my lower back is weak so I'm hoping the exercises I learned at physio will aid in keeping it well. As for my shoulders, I can't do much else there. I'll go slow and try to find a way to stop any potential injuries but its the same old story.

I watch other guys work out and I've seen so many ways of doing things that i don't think there is a standard technique for any exercises. It could be that this is how these guys learned how to do it so I'm sure there are bad habits being passed down. I try to avoid things i know are wrong, I watch the trainers instruct their clients about good form, I read up on it too. So i feel well versed in how to do things correctly. Still, my shouler issues would tell another story.

Anyhow, today was the last day for this week, Monday is a new week and hopefully next Friday I'll see something pleasant on the scale.

Still alive....

2008-10-23T10:20:00.003-04:00

So it's Thursday and the pain remains, well most of it. It has subsided a bit, at least I can walk a little easier now and volleyball last night went okay. Tonight is dance class so i hope to be somewhat nimble by then. Overall, I'm still stiff and sore and sitting all day doesn't help matters any but I expected it. I hope to be mostly pain free by end of weekend if not before.

The shift to weightlifting has really taken a toll on me. By the time I'm almost done, i'm truly almost done. My muscles are exhausted, I just want to lie down at the end. But I know I need to finish, to push myself to the finish line and know that I did a good job and didn't cop out. I'm almost afraid of what i'm going to see on the scale tomorrow morning despite having a good week foodwise so far, but I am expecting to be up a couple of pounds due to the reaction of my body to lifting. It would be so great if I stepped on that scale and it read less than or equal to 202 which is what i was last Friday. So we'll see. After that, as my body settles into this new regimen, the pounds will come off, albeit slower than I'm used to, but I know I'm building lean muscle mass which i need.

I've been doing a 20 minute session on the bike or elliptical on alternating days after my workout, just to loosen up and burn up some more calories. From what I've read, weight lifting doesn't burn up many calories but has other benefits, so I'm thinking the scale may not be a good source anymore to measure my progress. I've always believed that your clothing is the ultimate measure of where you stand bodywise so I'll keep that in mind when the scale isn't being friendly but my clothes are feeling looser. I have to admit, I'm feeling like I'm getting a good workout after i'm done, more so than when I just did cardio. My body is tired and sore and feels like I've laboured all day in a busy physical job. I feel thick in body right now but I think i'm a bit bloated too.

I made a bit of a faux pas yesterday. Red's tuna casserole turned out to be really, really good and i had two portions on Tuesday night. I brought the rest to work for lunch, it was a decent sized portion and enjoyed it immensely again, but later on decided that I needed something else and picked up a turkey sandwich from the cafeteria. So I managed to ingest an extra 400-500 calories I didn't need and could have avoided had I just used a little more will power. Last night was Subway and grapes. Tonight is roasted veggies I believe but we haven't settled on a main dish as yet. Maybe chicken.

Looking forward to my last workout tomorrow and taking the weekend off to recuperate. Also, just to get out of this work place, God i hate my job.

The Pain!!

2008-10-21T14:41:00.002-04:00

Oh my god is my body sore. Yesterday was the first day of my new direction at the gym and boy, am i paying for it today. There is a huge difference between using a cardio machine that supports your body and movements, and lifting weights, doing lunges and squats. Today I can barely walk. Each step feels like my legs are on fire. My chest and shoulders are sore, my arms somewhat, but they will be tomorrow as today was arm and shoulder day. Hopefully my legs will loosen up a bit as I cannot imagine doing lunges and squats in this kind of pain. I was barely able to do them today after yesterday's workout. There's a step exercise done with a bench that I attempted but my legs had no strength left in them to do it. Maybe tommorow.

The diet was good overall I think. I had fruit and salad during the day, we were supposed to have a McCain Slow Cookers meal but for some reason it burned in the slow cooker. No idea why. I've never seen something burn in a slow cooker so its a mystery. We ended up having chicken fingers and one of those pasta sidedishes. Not the best choice but it was chicken and they were oven baked, not deep fried. Snacks consisted of fruit.

Today, in addition to my salad and fruit, I brought along a Chunky soup for lunch. With lifting weights, I feel the need for something more substantial to get me through the day. It won't be a regular thing but I wanted it today. What I didn't expect to see were leftovers from a HSBC meeting held at work over the lunch hour. There were finger sandwiches, cheeses, fruit and small pieces of cake. Of course I had a couple pieces of cake and 4 finger sandwiches, I know i should have chosen the fruit but it looked and tasted wonderful. Tonight Red is making her tuna casserole. I haven't had tuna casserole in, oh.......gee, I can't recall if I've ever had tuna casserole so it should be interesting. She says she makes a good one so I have faith.

I bought a pair of leather type sports gloves for weight lifting at lunch. The gnarled bar on the dumbells and barbells is hard on my delicate hands and they're sore. I used to have a pair when I first began working out a few years ago but I lost them and never got around to replacing them. Probably because I spent most of my time doing cardio. I saw a pedometer for $6 and considered buying two, one for me and one for Red, because we were curious at one point this summer about how many steps we were taking in a day, especially when we went for walks. But the cost of them at the sports stores we visited seemed too high so we passed. Maybe we'll reconsider now that i know where i can get them cheap.

I need a massage. I should call my massage therapist but I'd rather have Red's hands on me. We'll see how she's feeling. I can barter.

Episode 358 - A New Hope

2008-10-20T10:02:00.002-04:00

Today was the first workout of my new routine. Not knowing how much time I'd need to get everything I wanted done, I chose to get out of bed a half hour earlier than normal (so 5:45am) and be on the gym floor by 6:15 at the latest. Waking up earlier didn't present much of a problem although my first thought was to go back to sleep for that half hour I missed, but like the trooper I am, I climbed out of a nice warm cozy bed beside a nice warm cozy woman and got dressed.

The gym was busier than i expected, a lot busier. There must have been a dozen or so people doing their thing, when I was arriving at 6:45, i might see half a dozen, sometimes a few more, but to my surprise, there were more people at this early hour. With notepad in hand, I set about this new plan of attack; first would be floorwork: stretching, situps, side planks, front planks, pushups, leg extensions, squats, lunges, etc.

Next up was the weights. This was the moment of truth: would my aching shoulder hold up? How much strength did I still have after months and months of cardio? How much weight could i push without pushing my body too far. I didn't want to hurt myself and my goal was to pump weight quickly: do faster reps and more sets for a good burn. The first thing I noticed was that my legs were exhausted from the lunges and squats. There's a big difference between riding an elliptical for miles where your body is supported and the pressure of your body weight isn't impacting your legs and actually allowing your legs to support your body as you move. This is why trainers generally don't like elliptical machines. Your muscles just don't get the same workout, sure you burn more calories which I'm a fan of, but you don't build core strength and you notice it when you run upstairs and feel the burn in your thighs. Not in as great of shape as you thought now are you?

My shoulder reacted painfully to incline presses with dumbells, it was worse with butterflies. But this is how you build your chest, through bench presses. I gritted my teeth and powered through it, the warrior that I am :-) I worked my back too, my plan was to spend every other day working a different section of my body. The floor work will be daily, but the weight lifting will be chest and back one day, arms and shoulders the next. This will give my body a day to recover before I attack it again. And I went moderate with the weight, enough to make the last couple of reps harder but not enough to risk injury, and I did them quickly.

I was finished by 7:45 which surprised me a bit. But I also cut out a couple of sets due to fatigue so once they're back in, I should be done closer to 8. That'll give me a chance to do 20 minutes of cardio as a cooldown (and a calorie burner) before I shower and head off to work. For the first time in a while, I felt like I had a workout. Sure I was sweaty after doing 70 minutes of cardio, but there's something more exhausting about lifting weights and pushing your body harder. Showering was a bit of a chore as it was hard lifting my arms above my head to wash my hair but I felt a sense of satisfaction in the job I did.

Knowing my body, the pain will set in overnight. I should be sore and slow tomorrow when I crawl out of bed (literally) but I'm looking forward to working my arms and seeing what my shoulder can handle. I'm also going to try and add in the sets I missed today, it was all floorwork, lunges and squats that I cut back on today so I'll see about finishing it properly.

Today's also the day I return to my regular eating patterns, the "lifestyle" change as I call it. Gone again is the bread that vexed me the past month, as well as the junk that crept into my life. I know Red is frustrated too and is wanting to get back to normal; we received our engagement photos on Friday and while there were some cute pics of us in them, we could see the puffiness in our faces and bodies from the past month's debauchery. I think it was a good wake up call. Sometimes you need that. I know we did.

new approach

2008-10-17T11:25:00.003-04:00

202lbs. I was expecting much worse but somehow I've managed to duck a bullet this week. Who know, maybe I'll step on the scale tomorrow and it'll read 204? Either way, it's official weigh in day and i'm basically where i was last week at this time so all things considered, i'll take it.

I missed the gym yesterday due to an appointment with my mechanic first thing so I figured I'd just go today knowing that I had a dental appointment almost first thing this morning. As mentioned before, I've been thinking about changing up my gym workout and this morning I made the decision to do so. So instead of actually working out, I took the time at the gym to work out a new regimen. I brought along my handy little notebook and pen and wrote down all the exercises, both floor and weight lifting, that I have done in the past and wish to do again. Also, I added some new exercises that i've spied others doing under the tutelage of their trainers. Since I cannot afford to hire a trainer myself, I might just as well steal their routines since there's usually one or more there training someone when I'm there.

Unfortunately, this left me with only 1 workout this week but it set me up with a new plan for next week, and I think that's more important. My biggest concern is the expected weight gain I'll experience when i begin lifting weights again. Its not that i'm going to lift heavy, I'm going more for moderate-weight and quicker reps which should build lean muscle mass and give me strength, plus I'm hoping to burn some calories in the process. But my body reacts violently to weight lifting and bloats. So I'm expecting a good 3-5lb increase by this time next week unless i get really lucky. I'm still going to do some cardio, probably a session on the elliptical at the end of my routine but most of my workout is going to be on core strengthening. From what I understand, the lean muscle mass I'll build will aid in burning calories and well, make me stronger which I need.

This isn't the first time I've done this so I already have certain assumptions about how its all going to turn out but maybe with the extra things i've added, it may make enough of a difference to benefit me in the long run. Plus, with a better overall diet, I should see the changes I'll need to see on the scale and in the mirror to keep me motivated to continue this path. If not, I'll be back to boring cardio for an hour and a half wishing I were dead.

On the plus side and ironically enough, after all the bitching i did about needing new music for my MP3 to make those cardio sessions seem easier, I managed to download a bunch of new songs but with this new approach to the gym, I won't be listening to it as much. I don't use my MP3 when i'm lifting, i find the earphone cord just gets in the way but at least i'll have newer music to listen to when i do my (much) shorter cardio blast. Funny how life works.

Why am I eating?

2008-10-16T10:56:00.002-04:00

Why do we eat when we're not hungry? I've been cognizant of this habit for a long time but until I read what I had written yesterday about all of the eating I had done over this past weekend despite not feeling hungry, I hadn't given it much thought. I knew that I munched often, that most times I wasn't hungry at all, that I have associations between certain activities and food, and that I'm an emotional eater. But why would you continue to shovel food into your mouth and make yourself uncomfortably full if you're not hungry?

I do this constantly. I'm like an eating machine, thank God I'm eating lots of fruits these days instead of chips, cheezies or other junk foods, but its still extra calories. And I'm not entirely clean from the junk; Red keeps chocolate around, we have Ritz crackers in the house, Fibre1 bars, sometimes ice cream. Of these, its the chocolate and crackers I have the biggest problem with. Ice cream is not really an issue, I only crave it once in a blue moon so I'm not concerned with having it in the house. Sometimes, most times actually, I'm good with the chocolate. It's only those times, like the past month, when I've been struggling with control that I eat it. But overall, it's not bad.

But even if I'm snacking on fruit, there's only so much of that you can ingest before you're blowing your calorie count for the day. An apple contains 65-75 calories on average, strawberries, pineapple, grapes, just about any other fruit besides bananas are about the same for a cup. But when you eat 2-3 apples, a banana or 2, handfuls of grapes that at best guess might be equal to maybe 5-7 cups, 2-3 cups of pineapple or whatever combination of the above might happen during the day, you're looking at 700-800 calories in just fruit! Add that to your normal meals and weight loss suddenly becomes a bit harder.

One way to solve this is to switch some of that fruit to vegetables, which contain, on average, half the calories. Unfortunately, after my big bag of Dole salad mix, I'm done with veggies. That bag contains more than enough of my daily intake of veggies and I don't like them enough to eat more, with the exception of our roasted veggies which we love so much. Now like I said, it could be alot worse than eating fruit. However, even too much of a good thing isn't good. And it speaks directly to the insanity of constantly eating which many fatties do, I just choose to eat healthier these days.

But does this make it less of a problem? No. To beat this, I need to find another way of using my time, of diverting my attention away from the kitchen and breaking those associations that are ultimately my undoing. So what are the usual suspects? Well, there's TV. That's the big one without a doubt. I grew up eating in front of the tube so that association is very strong. And it's one we all can agree on. I don't know too many people who don't munch in front of the TV. It's too easy and its comfortable.

Another big one for me is the movie theatre. I've been a regular movie goer for years and my usual routine was to order the large special: large popcorn with topping, large drink and candy treat, the popcorn and drink coming with free refill, not helpful. I did this for years and it showed. The popcorn is easily 2000 calories and that may or may not include the topping, my google searches for the calorie count never indicates topping or butter added. A large pop will set you back about 400 calories and then you have the small candy, so figure about 250 for that. Add in the refills, which I usually did as well, and there's a 5000 calorie visit to the movies. Add that to the rest of my day and....well, you get the picture.

When I began my current regime of diet and exercise last September, one of the first things I did was cut out the concession stand and boy, was it hard. The smell of freshly popped corn is intoxicating and not having it really impacted my enjoyment of the movie and soured my mood greatly. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? How can not having some popcorn ruin your movie going experience if the movie is still great? Because of the association; popcorn and movies go together like peanut butter and jam, Abbott and Costello, teenagers and drama, etc. It's just the way it should be. And I hated being denied. Now nobody did this to me, I made the decision. To quote that scholar President Bush," I'm the decider." But it impacted me nevertheless and made Red's life miserable for a while too until I came to terms with it.

I started bringing diet coke and rice cakes, sometimes a couple pieces of fruit, something that allowed me to munch but wouldn't hurt me. It wasn't the same. For the most part, I stopped bringing anything except the diet coke, but then I started ordering fries once in a while, sometimes I'd bring in a bag of M&Ms or some other candy. Other times, we'd grab a pretzel, or 2, from the pretzel place inside the theatre. This continues to this day, after doing so well I've allowed the association to return, albeit in another form. I need to end this.

I find when I'm busy, I don't munch. So boredom is obviously an issue. And I get bored very easily. I'm one of those people who need constant stimulation, it's sad. While Red is perfectly content sitting on the couch reading or watching TV, I need to get out. I need something going on around me otherwise I feel like I'm wasting my time. Playing volleyball, softball and taking dance lessons has helped fill in time, but I need to find ways of occupying the rest of my time. We enjoy our Wii but haven't played in a while for some reason. I have video hockey I like too, but don't take the time to play. Same with my guitar. So it's not that I don't have stuff I could be doing, and therefore not be eating, I just don't do them. I really need to prioritize this.

I think I've covered the why I eat question. I think more than anything, it's boredom and less about emotion. It's about associations that don't need to be there. Clearly, I need to do some work on this if I hope to ever conquer my demons and be happy.

Thanksgiving aftermath

2008-10-15T10:09:00.003-04:00

There was pie, lots of pie. There was turkey, lots of turkey. There was gravy, rivers of gravy. There was dressing, not alot but it was there. There were potatoes, salad and buns, cranberries, it was everything Thanksgiving dinner was supposed to be. And it was good. Too good I think.

Overall, the weekend was nighmarish if you care about your weight. Our wonderful wedding photog forgot about our engagement shoot Saturday morning so we ended up rebooking for Monday morning and went to breakfast. I had an omelete and some fried potatoes and toast. Not too bad, but I could have done without the toast. We made hamburgers for dinner, then sat down to a couple of dvds and snacks for the evening.

Sunday was turkey day so I enjoyed a bowl of Shreddies for breakfast before departing to Red's parents house for the day. There were crackers with pate and shrimp to munch on, fortunately I do not care for fancy crackers and pate nor will I ever eat shrimp so i settled for beer. Dinner was good, I ate well and then devoured most of a pumpkin pie, not to mention having a slice of a coconut cream pie as well. Her mom made 3 pumpkin pies, all different, so I sampled 2 of them. One of them came home with us along with the usual leftovers. Once home, I did have a turkey sandwich despite the fact I wasn't hungry. I just wanted it. How sad.

Monday we finally got our engagement shots done and headed home for breakfast. This time we made a kind of Denny's scramble with eggs, cheese and veggies with toast and bacon. Not the smartest move but it was damn good. Since just about everything was closed and we didn't have much to do, we hit the movies for an afternoon flick and after first deciding not to get anything to snack on, I ended up buying a bag of M&Ms and Oh Henry chunks. Big mistake as neither did anything for me, it was more just the habit. Afterwards, we decided to head downtown to the Rideau Centre which is always open on holidays. There, we passed a sandwich type shop and I couldn't resist this pizza croissant thing in the window. It was pretty good, but I mean let's be honest, I didn't need it nor was I really hungry either. Another one of those just wanted it things. Dinner was leftovers and more pie. i made a point of finishing the pies as I wanted Tuesday to return to normal. It did, sort of.

I woke up and decided that since we didn't really get a chance to sleep in during the weekend thanks to having our engagement shots booked for 8:30 two mornings, and the fact that neither of us slept well, I wasn't going to the gym. Instead I was going to salvage whatever I could of a fairly sleepless night and get up a bit later. As it turned out, I barely slept during that time and ended up wishing I had of gone to the gym. No, I didn't hop on the scale and I didn't want to. I knew what i had done, I didn't need to see it. Last night for dinner was a hot turkey sandwich and some of Red's moms turkey rice casserole that she had sent home with us. It was good and quite filling. I munched on fruit the rest of the night but in reality, I could have just passed. I wasn't hungry.

So this morning, I'm back to my usual routine. I hit the gym, did the full cardio workout and today I'll munch on my fruit and salad. Dinner is a mystery as Red is displaying flu like symptoms and might not be able to eat. No worries there though, if she's not hungry, I'll just enjoy some pea soup. Usually we'd do Subway as it's volleyball night but there's no point in that if she's on the shelf so to speak. It can always wait.

I've been thinking quite a bit about changing up my workout. Since forever, I've been doing the cardio thing: 2 25 minute sessions on the elliptical and 1 15-20 minute stretch on the stationary bike. Needless to say, I'm bored with it. Cardio is mind numbing and the only thing that gets me through it is my music. But as I stated before, I'm bored with the same tunes day after day. However, I can't find anything new that I want to listen to so I'm stuck. One way to fix that is to switch to lifting weights again, which is where my concerns lie.

I go on weight lifting spurts, lifting for a couple of months, then backing off and doing straight cardio. I do this for a couple of reasons. First, I lose much more weight faster doing only cardio. But I know i'm also burning muscle tissue so I'm probably not getting the full benefit. Plus, I'm not building core strength which is important to keeping your body strong over a life time.

Second, my body hates lifting weights. While I know how to lift properly and not overdo it, I still manage to tear or pull something and suddenly I can't lift for a while. It's frustrating but its the same thing every time. And I want results, results I can see. But even when I've gone full out for months, I never really see a difference in my body. Sure, I'm lifting more but no bulging muscles. It's disheartening.

And third, my shoulder is still aching. Its been like this for months and its being stubborn about healing. I used up my yearly physio alottment with my insurance provider fixing a back problem in the spring so any physio I receive now will come out of my pocket and I'm just not down with that. I know it'll heal eventually, but its a pain in the ass for now. Besides, its not the first time I've had stubborn aches and pains that refuse to heal quickly and it won't be the last. Besides, I'm almost 42, the body just doesn't respond like it used to.

So i need to come up with a plan; something that takes both cardio and weight lifting and gives me a workout that benefits me in a way I need to see, and doesn't bore me. I'll give it some more thought this weekend.

getting better

2008-10-10T10:11:00.002-04:00

202.5lbs. I'm all over the place this week. 203 last Friday, 205 Wednesday, now 202. It would appear I have no idea just what my actual weight is, but since Friday is official weigh in day, I have to take 202. In the scheme of things, it's probably about right. I know I'm over 200, have been for about a month now. I know I'm not 205, that was probably bloat. I'm probably about 202-203 which is where I've been for the past 2 weeks.

So the last two days have been fine, snacking has been reduced to fruit and a few crackers. I've been good at lunch, no sandwich purchases, so I think that's helping. What I noticed though, is the larger presence of bread in my diet the last while. When I was losing and doing well, bread wasn't part of the equation. Sure, we did Subway twice a week, but that was essentially it. Little rice, little potato, and basically no bread. The last few weeks? Bread, bread, bread! We did pizza a few times which is a killer on so many levels, lasagna one night which involved a loaf of fresh baked bread which I ate most of (god it was good), I made pancakes for breakfast one morning (bad combination of a bread product and maple syrup), pizza slices regularly during lunch or when we would be out, and those sandwiches I was buying at work for lunch. Add it all up and you get a lot of bread. And you know they say that bread is bad. Well, I believe that whole heartedly.

And it's a shame because I love bread. It's the basis for so many meals, it goes with just about everything and if it's missing from the table, it just feels wrong. When we do splurge and buy a loaf of fresh baked goodness, it goes quickly. Red has more willpower than me, she'll indulge but nothing like I do. That's why i don't buy it. I try not to have buns in the house, too easy to make sandwiches. We keep a a loaf of bread in the freezer just in case so that tends to last a while, but fresh baked bread? It doesn't stand a chance.

I think if i can keep my bread intake down to a minimum like before, I'll be fine again. The chocolate thing, while still there, is waning. I still want it, but after I've had it, I don't feel that sense of satisfaction and, in fact, I feel sick. I just don't enjoy it. So why go there then? I don't know! Why do any of us do things that only hurt us? Red made a comment that we fetishize food. She's right. I think all fatties do it. Its the one thing you can count on, it's always there and it makes you feel better, at least while you're eating it. I won't mention the guilt, the self loathing that comes after. It's our best friend, our confidante, our lover. It'll never cheat on you, nor will it ever let you down. It's the perfect companion, except for the fact that it makes you fat and inspires bitterness and shame in you.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. We're going to Red's parent's house. There'll be turkey, potatoes, some type of veggie, bread, gravy and god knows what else her mother conjures up. I'm told there'll be pie, pumpkin pie this year, among others. Last year she didn't make a pumpkin pie, I'm still bitter about that. Who has Thanksgiving dinner without pumpkin pie? Its like not cooking a turkey. All I have to say is there had better be pumpkin pie this year or I cannot be responsible for what may happen. I do realize that demanding pumpkin pie is ridiculous considering how much bitching I've been doing the past month about my weight and that I'd be better off without it, but its Thanksgiving. And you can't have Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie. I won't stand for it.

Mid week shock

2008-10-08T10:11:00.002-04:00

Okay, so it's Wednesday and while I'd like to say things are under control again, they truly aren't. While I have managed to cut back on snacking on most bad things, I'm still snacking on some bad things. Take last night for instance. Got home from work and had some grapes while waiting for dinner. Dinner was steak and roasted veggies so that was good. Then I had a few more grapes. I can't begin to tell you how many grapes I've devoured in the past 2 weeks. Seems like we're at the store buying big bags of grapes every 3 or 4 days. And we don't just buy a couple of bunches, we fill one or two of those plastic bags the store provides for veggies and fruits. So that's a lot of grapes!

So after dinner, we decide to go for a walk, good idea since walking seems to have fallen off our list of activities in recent weeks. We're gone for more than an hour and when we return, we plop down in front of the tube with some pineapple and yes, even more grapes. But I've still got the munchies. I've been like this for a few weeks now and its insane. First, its a few Crispie Minis, then I'm munching on some Ritz crackers with peanut butter. Then a couple of squares from a chocolate bar in the fridge. Then more grapes. Monday night was similar, sitting in front of the TV eating grapes, apples, chocolate, crackers. I know it could be worse, I mean it could be a bag of chips or something else, but its all extra calories I can't afford.

At work I'm not only eating my fruit and salad, I've been ordering sandwiches from the cafeteria. Usually a turkey sandwich, but yesterday I ordered a club. And God it was good. So tack on another 400-800 calories a day in addition to everything else. And the end result? This morning I weighed 205. Yep, that's 2 more pounds since Friday. How is that at all possible?

Well, I don't think its all fat, a couple pounds are probably just bloat, but I'm still well over 200lbs. And that after all the work I did to get to 196 just a month ago. I know it seems small when you consider there are a lot of people who are 40, 50, 75 or more pounds overweight and who would love to trade places with someone who is only about 20lbs overweight currently, but when you're bigger, you don't notice an extra 5 or 10lbs. I never did when I was huge, I could lose 25lbs and not see any difference. But when you're close to your normal weight, you see every extra pound.

I actually felt thinner when I got below 200. My belly was flatter, the roundness that defined it for so many years was basically gone. Sure I still wouldn't walk around without a shirt on as I'm flabby as all Hell, but overall, I was pretty average looking. Now, my belly is back, my face is rounder and I look fat. Everytime I take my shirt off at night and look in that big mirror on the dresser in the bedroom, I cringe. I actually feel sick. Then I feel bad; the guilt sets in. I really wanted to look thinner for our engagment photos that are being taken this weekend, but I guess that won't happen. Its not that I didn't want it, I just can't seem to get it together.

I've been using stress as the biggest reason for this lack of discipline, but the truth is: I'm sick of counting calories. I'm sick of worrying about what i've eaten during the day and how many calories I have left to use. I try and eat snacks that won't burn me on the scale but even fruit has calories. I usually bring a banana, 3 apples and one of those bagged salads to work. Sometimes I bring an extra banana if they are starting to over ripen and we have too many left. But still, that's about 300-420 or so calories of just fruit during work hours. Add in the bag of salad and low calorie dressing and there's another 100-200 calories. Sometimes, I drop a couple of quarters in the candy machine and have some M&Ms. Add in the odd sandwich I might buy from the cafeteria and I'm at about 1000-1200 calories before dinner. But usually its just the fruit and salad; in truth, I rarely buy a sandwich.

But lately, I have bought the sandwich. I did Monday and Tuesday and once or twice last week I think. Some days, I've found myself craving a slice of pizza so off to the shop I go to get a slice or two. That's in addition to the fruit and salad. I think I bought the sandwiches this week because it was the better choice than devouring a slice or two of pizza. But its still off the norm for me and adding another 400-800 calories to my day, not too mention the constant munching at night.

I don't feel right, haven't in a few weeks. My mind is cluttered with things: worry, stress, whatever. Putting on weight is just one more cause for concern. I really wanted to take this fall and lose what I needed to, to get me ready for the Xmas season. But its almost mid-October and I'm falling behind. They gym has become a major chore and work is just painful. I'm spending most of my time doing things I hate with little reward at the end. My mood has brightened somewhat from where it was a week ago, but I can't honestly say I'm happy. Guess that's the story of my life though: never happy. Much of it is work related but i can't seem to find my way there.

After seeing my weight this morning, I was in shock. So what did I do? I went to the gym, as per usual, then only did 2/3 of my workout. Partly because my legs are sore from dance practice and partly because I'm bored as Hell at the gym and don't want to be there. Some new music for my MP3 player might help but I can't seem to find anything new I want. I'm so sick of the same songs. But on the plus side, I don't want to order a sandwich today nor do i want a pizza slice. No, that's a lie. I DO want a pizza slice, I just won't buy one. As for tonight? Well, its volleyball night so that means probably munching for dinner, perhaps Subway, who knows? I've just got to get a handle on my snacking. It's my mindset I can't seem to sort out. I hate the doldrums.....

Blah

2008-10-03T11:27:00.002-04:00

203lbs. Same as last week. Yesterday was 201lbs. So who knows? Either way, I'm still over 200 again and struggling to get it together although I've managed to cut out the chocolate and shit over the last couple of days. Probably didn't help that I munched on some cheese and crackers while watching the VP debate last night, had a bowl of cereal I can't honestly say I was hungry for just before bed, and that I didn't go to the gym yesterday either. I know exactly what my problem is, I just haven't gotten it sorted out yet.

Its been cold lately so taking in a lunchtime walk has been hard, plus we haven't been taking our evening walks lately either. Volleyball has restarted so that offers some activity during Wednesday nights and we enrolled in a Rock 'n' Jive dance class on Thursday evenings, so we're getting out and moving a bit, but I'm out of gas. Mentally, physically, I've got nothing. My head aches with a steady dull pain that won't disipate and I want to jam dull pencils into the skulls of just about everyone at work. For some reason, the word "Jerkhole" keeps coming to mind when talking to people.

On the plus side, hmmmm....well, dancing is fun. We're liking this jive dancing stuff and we're learning. Soon, we'll be smooth as ice, if one of us doesn't trip the other one up first! I can't dance, never have been able to. Its mostly because growing up as a fat guy, I never wanted to draw any kind of embarrassing attention to myself, so letting myself go and moving about on a dance floor never appealed to me. I'm stiff and awkward and have basically no rhythmn despite being a drummer for years earlier. Yet, our instructor, a nice eastern european sounding lady, came up to us during the lesson and asked if I had taken dance in the past. Me? Captain Clumsy? I think not. And I don't think I'm capable of faking it that well to be mistaken as a dancer by someone who knows how to dance. I'm still scratching my head over that one.

The weekend looks quiet overall. We need to mow the lawn one last time (if we're lucky) and we really need to fix the incline behind the house before the snow falls. Maybe I'll look into that as a job. I think we'll see a movie tonight, its been a couple of weeks since we've been, due to the horrid offerings as of late. And the last 2 we saw were awful. I haven't decided what I'm going to do snackwise while there; since i gave up the popcorn last year, I've been all over the place, bringing fruit, rice cakes, candy bars. Sometimes we've gotten fries or pretzels but the goal is to not snack at all. But boy it's hard. The popcorn smell is intoxicating, but anymore its the chocolate cravings and the pretzels that sink me. We'll see what happens....

When it rains, it pours

2008-10-01T10:18:00.002-04:00

The bleeding hasn't ended yet. This morning, another surprise...or not: 203lbs. I don't know what's going on with me but the munching is out of control and the weight is rising. Sure, I'm still munching on fruit and such, but I'm also slipping in chocolate, ice cream and Fibre1 bars. Needless to say, I'm not happy and my mood is getting darker by the day. I know its stress but that's no excuse. I've got to get it together now! But I've got no gas in the tank at the gym and the diet is crumbling. I hate my life.

Stress

2008-09-29T09:25:00.003-04:00

Whoops! Missed Friday's post. I've become quite erratic when blogging here these last few weeks but to be honest, I've been busier and the stress has been building which I think is what has been affecting my eating habits.

My job is changing for one. I'm still at the same job but my duties are changing and I'm feeling very anxious about the future. I'm moving into a more technical role at my workplace and I don't know if I've got what it takes to succeed. I've taken a couple of courses offered internally to prepare myself and I found them beyond my skill set which didn't make me feel any better. Now that I've finished them, I'm expected to start moving into this new role at a time when our company is rushing to the finish line of delivering a new product. Everyone is working harder and nobody has the time to explain things to a newbie so I'm basically on my own until things settle down and people have more time. Also, it doesn't help that I hate my job anyway and need to get out of here before I lose my mind completely. The only real hope I have right now is that I finally, after a process that took over a year to complete, qualifed for a pool with the Federal Gov't for a job so I'm waiting to see if I get plucked out of that and get offered something with them. God I hope the wait isn't much longer.

More stress was added this past week when the photographer we hired to do our wedding photos went missing in action. We had booked our engagement photos for Sunday but wanted to change the location of them and sent him an email which went unanswered. Then Red called and left a message which also went unanswered. Another phone call was made on Sunday, again no reply, so we dutifully showed up at the original location to find ourselves waiting in vain for our missing photog. Not a good situation. So now we don't know what is going on with him and I've sent along another email and we'll call again later today. To say we're worried would be an understatement. There's a couple of personal issues going on too, one involving my long lost son, that I'm trying to deal with.

So add that to the fact that I can't seem to get my diet and exercise routine back on track, and you can see how I'm struggling currently. Thing is, Red's in the same mood foodwise. We're both somewhat out of control although I'm admittedly moreso. I'm still going to the gym, but I've got no gas in the tank. My workouts are long and hard; there's no steam in my stride. I probably need to change things up, God knows I've been doing the same thing for years. But my shoulder is still sore so lifting weights is out for now. And I really want to drop some more weight before I add weight by building muscle. I know it'll balance out in the end, but I need to see a lower number on that scale before I purposely raise it which is what will happen almost immediately. If only some of this stress would clear up, I'd feel better. Mostly in the job area.

BTW, I did hop on the scale Friday; it read 201.5lbs. So much for beating 200. I need to get my shit together.

Falling Down

2008-09-23T12:56:00.003-04:00

It's Tuesday and my life appears to be back to normal professionally speaking. I spent two long weeks on course for my job teased by a tray of delicious desserts that rested on a table only 3 feet from my seat. Did I cave? Sure I did but not badly. But the whole week was out of whack and the weekend wasn't much better.

Then yesterday the hot water tank gave up the ghost so i volunteered to stay at home for the day and await the arrival of the serviceman. This, of course, is not a good plan for someone who munches out of boredom, so staying at home for the day alone isn't going to produce a good result. By mid-morning, I had enjoyed a big bowl of cereal with banana, some mini-crisps, an apple, a Wunderbar I bought on Sunday, some grapes, pineapple and strawberries. Add a couple slices of toast with peanut butter and you can see where this was going. The serviceman showed up shortly after 11 and was gone before noon leaving me the choice of heading off to work for the afternoon or continuing to enjoy an extra day off. I chose the latter. But not before deciding I needed to get out of the house for my own sake.

Later, when I got home, I enjoyed a dinner of leftover chicken breast with mushroom soup, roasted veggies and a pork chop brought home from the birthday party Saturday. The evening brought more mini crisps, grapes, pineapple and a couple of Fibre1 bars. I don't know if I missed anything here.

So, as you can see, I'm a bit out of control. I did, however, make it to the gym first thing yesterday and today so that's a good thing. I figure that since I'm back to normal here at work that things will be fine from here on out. I look fatter though, my belly is a little rounder the last week and somewhat solid. I'm a bit worried about that, and I'm not getting on the scale just yet. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of what I might see.

Holy Hell, it's been a bad week

2008-09-19T09:37:00.003-04:00

199.5lbs. Yep, that's right, 3 extra pounds this week. Guess it's better than the 5 extra pounds I've been seeing all week, but still, its a gain and a shame. I really wasn't worried about Vancouver last weekend as the last time we went, I was fine. But this time was different. This time we were on our own for most of it, well, all of it really. Last time, we stayed with our hosts for the weekend so we only really ate during mealtime. And we walked all over downtown Vancouver which is quite large. This time, we walked, but we also sat down for beers at a patio, stopped for pizza slices a couple of times, ate chocolate bars, drank more beer and rum, enjoyed a buffet at the wedding which included deep fried foods, ate donuts and it didn't stop when we got home Sunday night.

Feeling hungry for dinner, we stopped for a pizza. Then the week began. I'm in a course this week and its catered so there's a tray of muffins, donuts, cookies and such in the room all day. And yes, I've eaten a donut and a cookie, or two, or three. Why? I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does seafood stink to high Heaven? Its not like I haven't brought my usual fruit and salad for the day. I've just been in a weird mood lately where food is concerned. And Red is feeling the same. So we're both sitting there during the evening munching. Sure, we're munching on grapes and pineapple as per usual, but we're also eating cookies, licorice and mini crisps.

And that's not all: I missed the gym Monday and Thursday. Monday I can excuse, we didn't sleep much in Vancouver so by Sunday night, we were exhausted and grabbing an extra hour and a half in bed was necessary. But Thursday, I was just plain lazy. The alarm went off and I just lied there. Red was up getting ready but I just didn't want to. So I stayed in bed the extra 1 1/2hr. Don't even talk to me about the guilt. Plus, on Wednesday, I only did 2/3 of my routine, so overall, it's been a horrid week. I did jump on the scale just out of morbid curiousity Wednesday morning, hoping the damage wasn't too bad and was shocked to see 201.5lbs. Five pounds!?! How in Hell did that happen!?! Fortunately Red was up too which made me feel a bit better. She even tried to blame flying on having an effect on your body, she was kidding of course. The sad part of it all was that instead of strengthening my resolve, I went into the gym and put in a half hearted effort. Then I had a donut at the course.

But for some reason, I'm not feeling too bad about it. Maybe its because I know its only a blip and that I'll take it off again. It sucks taking a step or two backwards but I guess its part of life. I'm confident i'll lose the extra 10-15lbs i want to lose before the wedding next September, there's no rush. I think therein lies my problem: I'm so used to looking at weight from the dieting perspective; can't eat this, can't eat that, must hit the gym 5-6 times a week, must lose at least 2 or more pounds to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Ferchrissakes, I'm not a big fat cow anymore! I'm an average sized guy carrying a few extra pounds which I can lose through the healthier and smarter eating I've learned over the past year. Add to that regular visits to the gym and i'm already way ahead of so many who are struggling with this.

I really am so hard on myself. I know it. I wish I wasn't but I am what I am. Everyone around me sees a very different me than I do. My perspective is so warped I don't think I even see the real me. Red sees me, the me that everyone else sees; The me I can't see. I guess when you come from a negative background where everyone only focuses on the bad things, you don't know how to see things in their proper perspective. My weight has always been an issue for me, long before I was even cognizant of it. And it has shaped my attitudes about myself. I am much more than my weight, I just wish I believed it.

So this weekend we are heading to Red's parents place for her dad's birthday. There'll be beer and cake. Fuck it, I'm in.

Off to Vancouver

2008-09-12T08:14:00.002-04:00

Official morning weigh in: 196.5lbs. Up 1 from yesterday but down 1.5 from last week. Onward and downward so to speak!

So as mentioned yesterday, we're off to Vancouver for a wedding. Should be a good time. Not too worried about the diet...or rather....the lifestyle change. After all, with a balanced lifestyle, you're allowed to enjoy things, just in moderation. So here's to enjoying!

Sweet sweet donut

2008-09-11T12:38:00.003-04:00

So it's Thursday and this is my last day of work for the week. We are heading out to Vancouver tomorrow for a wedding so I get to enjoy a nice 3 day weekend. Work has been slow as I'm in a course this week and next and its very very dry. I'm not too worried about the weekend foodwise as we did quite well in April when we were there and aside from some food being put out at the wedding and possibly cake, we'll end up just wandering around Vancouver killing time until the ceremony so its all good.

I did jump on the scale today though just out of curiousity and it read 195.5lbs which would be a full 2.5lbs drop from last Friday. I'm not buying this weight as it could just be dehydration or something odd happening, so I'll do my normal weigh in tomorrow and see where I stand. The reason I don't buy it is because I haven't been entirely good this week. I guess for the most part I have but it seems like I've been munching constantly, mostly on grapes and stuff like that, but also on Mini Crispies, crackers and unbelievably, donuts!

Donuts! What the Hell am I thinking? We were sitting there last night after dinner and Red's having cravings. Seems she's had donuts on her mind for a while now (which is weird because she doesn't usually eat them), which leads me to direct her to other snacks we have in the house currently: partially eaten frozen chocolate easter bunny, chocolately Fibre1 bars, fudge she bought a while back, crackers, ice cream and Drumsticks. Nope, nothing seems to work for her although she thanked me for trying to dissuade her. Me, being understanding of cravings and also in a munching mood, suggest we wander over to the Tim Hortons and see what they might have donut wise hoping that at this time of the evening their selection might be poor.

So we head out and walk around the block to the store and lo and behold, they have a nice selection ready. Super. Now I've been wanting donuts too and in this course I'm taking, its catered so there's a selection of baked goods available all day which I've been trying to avoid. I finally broke down yesterday and had a cookie, today was an apple danish, so we ended up buying a 10 pack of Timbits, some type of cream filled donut for her and a double chocolate for me. Again, what the Hell am I thinking!?!

But you know what? I liked it. It was a fantastic donut. But I think I'm done now. And from what I saw on the scale this morning, it didn't hurt me. So maybe I can lighten up a bit? I just wish I could stop munching. Fortunately, most of my munching has been on fruits and crackers, but it would be much better if I just stopped. But we all know that isn't going to happen. At least I'm hitting the gym.

Will try and post quickly tomorrow morning to report this week's official weigh in.

The year in retrospect

2008-09-08T10:23:00.002-04:00

Okay, so last week marked the first year anniversary of my return to proper eating and exercising in an attempt to lose weight and settle into a size i'm happy with. Well, it wasn't a return to proper eating per se since I never really ate properly at all....ever. Perhaps better to refer to it as beginning to eat properly and changing bad eating habits forever. As for the gym, it was a return to attending regularly and putting in a decent effort each time which i had gotten away from in recent years.

So when I began this odyssey, I was about 227lbs. After one year, I stand at 198lbs which was my official weight last Friday (I was 196 on Saturday but since that wasn't my official weigh in, I guess it doesn't count). To me, at first look, 29lbs doesn't seem like such a great achievement, not when its not that hard to drop 5-10lbs a month when you're really trying.

But consider this: I dropped quickly during last fall, in fact, by late November I was about 207lbs. But then the Christmas season hit and there were goodies everywhere for the better part of the month...very hard to deal with. It took a while to get used to eating right again, but not before I had gained another 10lbs which I had to lose again. Then factor in Easter. We ended up with more than a few goodies to munch on which led to another disaster, we'll say about 5lbs. There was the trip to Niagara Falls in late June which packed on another 5-7lbs not to mention all the stumbling I suffered with my diet over the year as I learned to deal with giving up or seriously cutting back on the things I love to eat. That was good for another few pounds that needed to be lost again.

And the learning was the hardest part. Even though I decided to do this on my own, no doctor told me to go on a diet for health reasons, Red didn't hassle me about my weight (in fact she loved me as i was even professing to not noticing my bloated belly, God bless her blind soul). In fact, nobody thought I even had a weight problem, or at least they never mentioned it, except me. I was noticing my clothes were getting snug, my belly was protruding, my face rounder and the scale was giving me not so subtle hints that i needed to start taking this seriously again. I made the decision and I stuck with it despite all my kicking and screaming.

One of the biggest changes i made was my movie theatre experience. I'm an avid movie goer and part of my experience is buying the large popcorn and drink combo with extra butter slathered on of course. But after researching the calorie count of this deadly combo, I realized that I simply couldn't do this anymore. One of those large popcorn buckets has about 2000 calories and that's before you add the liquid butter/grease. And the movie chains offer free refills on the large sizes so I was always saddling up to the concession stand for that making for a ridiculously high caloric event. Believe me, this was the biggest issue I had to deal with when I started this. Suddenly going to the movies wasn't as enjoyable as it had been, it felt like part of my experience was missing, and boy did I complain. In fact, I got downright miserable. I know it made Red uncomfortable as I pissed and moaned about not being able to have my popcorn, she even suggested buying a small and not getting the butter on top (how dare she!), but I was inconsolable. That's how strong the association was between the movies and popcorn. I changed things up with rice cakes, fruit, and even nothing at all, but it wasn't the same. I was a good couple of months before I accepted what was and what had to be.

As time went on, I did start to enjoy a pretzel, fries or maybe some M&Ms sometimes, in fact, I've only had popcorn once at the movies in the past year. Not that any of that other stuff is much better, but i don't do it a lot so i think I'm doing well overall considering. But the bitching ended and that's the most important thing as I suspect Red was plotting to smother me in the night if it kept up much longer.

I started to eat lots of fruits and veggies. Gone was the usual pizza on a weekend or other quick take out. In was Subway which is basically the least troublesome choice you can make if you want take out. We normally do this about twice a week, we love Subway. Out was potatoes, rice, bread for most part and heavily sauced meats. We try to keep things light and I think we do a good job of it. Sure, we indulge in a pizza here and there, or ice cream once in a while, but its part of learning moderation and its hard to learn when you've always been an all or nothing type of fatty.

Another big change was getting up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym before work. I'd always gone after work and overall, was pretty good at it. But the last couple of years, I'd gotten lazy and was missing too much. Going in the morning would ensure I'd get my workout in and it had a very practical side, it matched up Red and me's schedules since she works much earlier than I do. This way we'd be tired and ready for bed about the same time...perfect. It does gets hard sometimes when the sun's barely up or its still dark out, but it gives me a jump on the day and after my shower, I'm wide awake and ready to go. So overall, its a good thing.

So getting back to pounds lost, officially it was 29lbs. But unofficially, if you count all the holidays, vacations, and stumbles along the way, it was more like 50. And that makes me realize that despite the small gains here and there, despite those times when it seemed like the scale wasn't moving, I managed to make some real changes and lose a good chunk of weight. And its not just a diet, its a lifestyle change. This is the way I plan to eat the rest of my life. It isn't just some block of time where I'm going to deny myself food and then settle back into old habits once I've lost the desired weight. This is permanent weight loss and a strategy for never having to diet again. I'm still learning that i can have some of my favourite foods, just in moderation. It hasn't been an easy journey so far, but I'm coming along. I'm hoping to meet my goal of 185lbs by Christmas. After that, I'll see what else I think I need to do. But I think 185 is a good weight for me. And I will make it. You'll see.

Back....finally

2008-09-05T10:13:00.003-04:00

Wow! Seems like forever since I wrote anything and I guess in the context of blogging, it has been. I was on vacation last week and just didn't get to it. This week I've been busy as all hell at work and the evenings have been time to unwind so there really hasn't been time. Biggest problem is that i usually write while at work since most of the time, I have spare time, but that is going to change as this week has been a write off (pardon the pun), and I'm in courses the next 2 weeks. So I'll have to sit down in the evenings and write when the mood strikes me. And that's much of the problem lately, my mood.

The last few months have been a haze of anti-depression medication as I try to find something to stabilize the serotonin levels in my brain and even me out. I've always been depressive and was on something a few years ago that helped quite a bit but went off it due to costs at the time. I returned to the same meds recently, but this time, while working wonderfully, they produced a few unpleasant side effects which I simply could not live with and since then, I've been trying to find something that will work just as well without all the complications. And so far, nada. So I've decided to just try and deal with my moods in other ways. What those other ways are, I have no idea yet. I'll tell you this much, having to deal with depression at the same time I'm dealing with diet is no party. But then again, this has been my whole life.

This morning I did my Friday weigh in and was sitting at 198lbs. I can live with that as usually when I'm on holiday, I tend to gain at least 5lbs. This time I managed to only gain a couple as I did step on the scale Monday and weighed 199lbs. So my week back at the gym and work managed to burn off a pound. I expect next week to yield similar results and i hope to come in about 196-197lbs.

I'll be back either later or over the weekend with some stuff i've been thinking about.

Vacation mid week

2008-08-27T08:44:00.003-04:00

So its Wednesday already and I'm not quite halfway through my holidays. My concerns the other day about blowing my diet have not come to pass as yet and I'm relieved. I jumped on the scale this morning for a quick check and I was 196.5 which is actually a pound lighter than Friday so despite what I thought were a few indulgences so far, I'm fine. I did go to the gym on Monday, I missed yesterday because we were in Montreal for the day but I got some exercise walking around for a good 4-5 hours which was nice and we're going to a zip line park today for some hiking, climbing and zip line fun. Depending on how I feel when we get back, I may hit the gym otherwise I'll wait until tomorrow.

Have to keep this short and sweet but needed to check in. I'll try and be back with more later or tomorrow.

Vacation Time or Can I Not Screw Myself This Time

2008-08-22T10:11:00.003-04:00

Stepped on the scale this morning for the official weekly weigh in and I'm now 197.5lbs. That's 2 down from last week so I'm happy about that. Makes all the sacrificing and time at the gym feel worth it. I'm on holidays next week so the big challenge will be to not repeat my past holiday performances and gain 5lbs thereby forcing me to spend the next month fixing that mistake too. I plan on going to the gym and watching what I eat as per usual but then again, that's usually the plan too. So we'll see.

I'm pretty happy with the progress the last few weeks overall. About a month ago, I weighed in at 203lbs so I'm down a good 6lbs since. I can't argue with that although it seems like its been slower than that. Guess that's what happens when you are constantly monitoring yourself. I'm just glad to be clear of the 200lbs threshold. 200 has been a major source of contention for me for years; it seemed like cracking that number was virtually impossible during my college years. It took graduating and getting into a physical job full time to peel off those extra few pounds. But since moving into a deskjob, its been harder to stay below 200. Sitting burns virtually no calories.

What's going to make the coming days even more challenging is the fact that my personal life is in chaos right now. I've been dealing with a couple of stressful situations for a while now and thankfully I've been able to not lose my drive although at times I've felt like it. But a new situation has arisen in the past couple of days and to be honest, I'm pretty upset. Right now, I don't feel like eating, which is good, but who knows how I'm going to feel later today or even this weekend. I've always been an emotional eater but perhaps my focus is too strong to allow this current problem to derail me, or at least that's the hope. The gym has never been an adequate stress reliever for me unlike some people but its a place to escape for a couple of hours. I'll need it.

Hating the Gym

2008-08-20T11:14:00.002-04:00

I hate the gym. Loathe would be a good word to describe it. I don't know exactly what it is about the gym that I hate so much, but having to get up early and go doesn't make me a happy camper. This morning I barely made it through my workout. Yesterday I only did 2/3 of it. Usually on Monday, I'm ready to get back to it after taking the weekend off, but this week, I just don't have it. I climb on the elliptical and can barely make a decent pace without exerting a tremendous amount of effort as if I was out of gas and running on fumes. If this was something that was fairly new I would pass it off as burnout and figure I just needed a break from it. But it's happening more often than I'd like and its been this way for a few years.

When I first started going to the gym regularly about 8 or so years ago, I was like a machine. I looked forward to getting out there on the floor and pounding the weights, enjoying the burn and the sweat. Same went for the cardio, I had no problem climbing onto the elliptical and spending 45 or sometimes 60 minutes sweating off the pounds. It seemed easy.

But the last few years? Forget about it. I have my moments where I'm focused and ready to go but they only seem to last 2-4 weeks before I lose my momentum and start dreading my visits again. Like this last time, after taking a week off at the end of June for vacation, I found my desire had returned. I felt energized and goal oriented and the morning visits to the gym felt good. I jumped out of bed and headed out with a good attitude and a head full of steam. I had changed up some of the music on my MP3 player as much of what I had been listening to seemed to be old and dull as happens when you are listening to the same tracks day after day, week after week, month after month and so on. But sure enough, by the end of July, I was feeling lethargic at the gym and finding it hard to get motivated. I still went but it wasn't uncommon for me to shorten things up or cut other things out altogether. The result? A workout that while still a workout, was not burning as many calories and feeding my guilt about my lack of effort.

See, that's the thing with my relationship with the gym; its based on guilt. If I go, I'm miserable until its over but then I'm glad I went. If I miss a visit, I'm consumed by guilt and thinking I should pay a visit in the evening to make up for it. If I go and do less than my full workout, I feel guilty and hate myself for everything I stick in my mouth that day. Its a vicious cycle. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just go and do less and be happy that at least I went? After all, that's what a personal trainer would tell you. You don't just not go, you go and do the things you enjoy and then leave.

But what if you don't enjoy any of your workout? I mean I don't hate riding a stationary bike, at least it gives me a chance to read my Macleans, but if I only did that for a half hour or so, I wouldn't burn too many calories. The elliptical? What's to love there? Cardio has to be the most mind numbing thing next to watching paint dry. You're indoors so there's no view except for the TV that you can't hear. And it isn't tuned to a certain radio frequency so you can hear it if you wanted to unlike most other gyms I've attended! (Solution? Change gyms but I have an MP3 player and I don't know if I could tune in the frequency even if it was available. And my gym is really convenient for me). Music helps a lot but once you've reached that point where you've heard all the songs on your system a thousand times, you start flipping past some songs hoping to hear something you haven't in a couple of days. And finding music to replace it? Very hard after a while. I'm always trying to think of songs I'd like to have playing but after several years amassing my collection of tunes, the well is running dry.

I don't lift weights anymore, I want to again in the future, but when I did and when I do again, it'll be a lonely activity. I don't have a lifting partner, someone who motivates you, pushes you and works alongside you. I don't know how much of an effect this really has on people but having someone else to do anything is always better than doing it alone. And when it comes to working out, you need someone who can push you otherwise you become lazy and complacent. And, my body hates lifting weights. It starts out okay, I work within my limits to get the muscles used to lifting again but once I start adding weight to push myself, inevitably something bad happens. My shoulder goes out, or something in my back pulls. It never fails. And I understand about proper lifting, its not like I'm making these rookie mistakes that are costing me in pain. I just don't have a builder's body. I could start lifting again and just be modest with the weights but my goal currently is to lose fat before I start building muscle so carido is the route I need to go. And I really need the calorie burn which you don't get from lifting weights. I know that I'll lose muscle mass as well if I'm not lifting but I'm so fixated on that stupid scale that I dare not lift weights for fear of seeing it hit 200lbs again.

So what to do? I keep telling myself to just suck it up knowing that while I'll loathe that hour and a half I spend there, I'll be happy I went. I just see that damn place as a prison and me with a life sentence. I'm not gifted with a high metabolism and I put on weight so easily its criminal. And its not an age thing, I've never been able to eat without gaining absurd amounts of weight. Even now with my healthier approach to eating, I'm still prone to gaining. It isn't fair. I go 5 times a week just to feel like I'm accomplishing anything. Experts recommend getting 3-5 days of exercise a week. I wish I could do just 3. But it just isn't in the cards. So I'll keep on keeping on, rolling out of bed early before work and stumbling into a near empty gym to sweat my ass off for those 70 minutes of cardio Hell.

Why won't someone just invent a damn pill already!?!

Finally, the switch goes on

2008-08-18T11:01:00.005-04:00

So its Monday. Rah rah. I hit the gym this morning first thing as usual, I find the beginning of the week so much easier at the gym than later on, say Thursday. I don't go to the gym on the weekends, preferring to take a brief 2 day break to rest my weary bones. Only the weekend is probably when I should be going to the gym since those are the days I'm most at risk of over-eating. I've often thought of dropping a day during the week and making it up on Saturday or Sunday but by the time the weekend arrives, I can't bring myself to go.

Its my time, I don't have to work, don't usually have places to be, anything I do should be recreational and enjoyable. We sometimes have errands to run but those aren't like work. Weekends are a good time to clean the house but that only takes an hour or two, same with mowing the lawn so I don't really worry about it. But the gym is a whole other ballgame. I have a love/hate relationship with it.

As a teenager, I was first introduced to the gym by my mother who bought family memberships every year. Her live-in at the time was a guy who enjoyed working out and taught me many things about lifting weights. However, I was an overweight, lazy boy and the hard work and diet necessary to see any real results proved too much for my spoiled ass. I'd work hard for a while but then I'd just drop off. Come to think of it, so did everyone else in my family. We were one of those people who bought memberships every year, used it for a couple of months, then disappeared only to reappear sporatically over the year until renewal time when we'd come in again and repeat the same pattern. Maybe I'd have been more interested had I seen results but without a proper diet in place, and my mother losing interest all the time, there was no way. So I just got fatter and fatter.

Once I was in my 20's, that was it for the gym, even after my gastric bypass. I simply wasn't interested and expected the surgery to take care of it. It only partially did. You still need to exercise and burn calories, and I still was loading up on empty calories so I was accomplishing very little. The surgery did what it could and I lost weight but not all that I needed to. I was still a good hundred pounds overweight.

But then something changed. I was 33 and just separated from my ex. I had been feeling a change churning inside of me for a few months, like a need to join a gym and eat better. It was the fall of 1999 and I made a decision: in the new year I was going to join the gym again and follow a diet and lose the rest of this weight. I chose the new year mostly to give myself time to enjoy whatever foods I wanted over the last couple of months I could, also because it represented a new start. Sounds like a New Years resolution and maybe it was, but this was one resolution I was going to keep.

I waited until the 17th of January to join, mostly because I was off during the holidays and needed a pay cheque to pay for the gym. I purchased some gym sweats, gloves for weight lifting, a gym bag and a combination lock. I planned to eat light and arranged my groceries appropriately. Lots of soup, chicken, veggies and lean meats. I was a man on a mission. Sure I had been primed and ready to go in the past but something was different this time. To this day, I still don't know what it was. Maybe it was the breakup, which was messy and very painful. Maybe it was the realization that I was at a major crossroads in my life with the opportunity to make some very serious changes for once and better myself. I had already decided to return to college the coming fall, and I didn't want to go back fat. I had always been fat at school and it wasn't pleasant. Although college was older and I would be a mature student attending, I still didn't want to be the fat guy anymore. Either way, I was focused like never before and ready to work hard.

For the first month, most of my regimen was built around weights with little cardio. But after some time, I realized that in order to burn the maximum amount of calories, I'd have to concentrate more on the cardio and get my heart pumping. So I changed things up to include about 20 minutes on the cross trainer which burned about 350 calories, another 20-25 minutes on the stationary bike and another hour or so with weights. I made great progress losing about 2lbs a week which was expected since I was so big and it tends to come off easily at first, but seeing the scale dropping so quickly motivated me to do more cardio and skip the weights. So I ended up doing 2 20-25 minute shots on the cross trainer and another 20-25 minutes on the bike, plus I started doing some jogging on the treadmill. I was eating pretty light too so I wasn't able to do the lifting, simply no energy for that and without all the protein and that to build muscle, it wasn't doing me any good anyhow.

I went to the gym Monday thru Thursday evenings after work then again on Saturday mornings like clockwork. And the results were staggering. Never before had I seen such losses, I was losing easily 10lbs a month which translated into 2-3lbs a week. Soon, everybody around me was noticing but they couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that was different. Not long after that, it wasn't hard to figure out. After about 30lbs, people really took notice. And everyone was supportive and wanting to know what i was doing. Was I taking pills? Was I following one of the fad diets? A couple even asked me if I was sick.

I continued along like this and in May starting dating again. Unfortunately, this resulted in a slowdown of my weight loss since I was going out and eating and drinking things I hadn't touched in months. Fortunately, this didn't last long and I was back on the train and single again by the fall. I managed to get down to about 200lbs by Christmas and ended up changing jobs. Instead of working in a cafeteria where I was surrounded by temptation, I was working in a furniture store and moving couches around every day. This had a great impact on my weight loss. By the spring, I was down to 185lbs and looking fairly trim. People who hadn't seen me in ages didn't recognize me. And when they found out who I was, the reaction was always one of "Oh my God you look great!"

So after a year and a half, I had lost about a 100lbs, it would have been more and faster if not for the hiccups due to dating in that span but the social opportunities that had opened up were fascinating to me and I wanted to enjoy it. Unfortunately, in the summer of 2001, I started dating someone I had been crushing on for years and she had no real qualms about eating. She wasn't a big girl by any means but she enjoyed her food and it led to catastrophe for me. I had stopped going to the gym (big mistake) and was indulging in things I simply should have stayed away from. I had a deep fryer that had been in storage for a long time, but out it came and we started eating far too much deep fried food. Same with visits to the ice cream parlour and dining out. I had no idea I was putting on weight again until I stepped on the scale in November and it read: 227lbs. I almost had a heart attack.

Right away, I announced to her that I was rejoining the gym and was done with the food. She joined too which was cool and we set about fixing our mistakes. It took a while, somehow I just didn't have the same drive I had before, but I managed to get to about 205lbs where I stayed for the next 3 years. My diet just wasn't where it needed to be to lose anymore. And being in college and going out for beers fairly regularly wasn't helping. It wasn't until I graduated and was working in a paint store full time lugging 50lb pails of paint around while waiting for my first job in my chosen profession that I managed to lose some more. I got down to about 180lbs a year after I graduated and snagged my first desk job.

Sitting at a desk all day was a major change. All my life, I had been in labour intensive jobs, but now I was sitting most of the day. That made going to the gym and watching my diet even more important. But still, my diet wasn't great and I gained probably 15lbs over the next few months. Then I got sick. This story is chronicled in my entries about Gastric Bypass Nightmares so I won't rehash it here.

Today, I'm eating better than ever enjoying fruits and vegetables and avoiding junk for the most part. I don't know what happened after the surgery to fix my bypass, but I just lost my taste for most junk. I used to live on Cheezies, I haven't even sniffed a Cheezie since. I acquired a taste for diet pop instead of the real thing, use sweetener (specifically Splenda) where sugar used to be and gave up my once cherished sugary cereals for better choices like Corn Flakes, All Bran and Shreddies. I haven't visited a McDonalds, KFC or other fast food outlet in what seems like forever. About the only "fast food" I still enjoy is pizza but even that is once a month and we don't order a big one anymore. I adjusted my gym schedule so that I'm going every morning before work and I'm doing pretty much just cardio for the calorie burn. I may start lifting weights again once I lose some more weight but I haven't made that decision yet.

My body loathes lifting weights and seems to break down rather easily when I do. I'm always pulling a muscle or causing some other unnecessary pain so I don't bother. But I know I should. I'd love to get good and strong and I do enjoy lifting weights, but I'm addicted to the calorie burn. Lifting weights will cause a rise in my weight from the muscle growth and I'm wanting to see that scale under 200lbs. I know its not about the scale, its about how you look and how your clothes fit, but I like seeing a lower number on that scale. It makes me feel better. And since I'm always in losing mode, I want to see that scale drop every week. Those people who use personal trainers are getting a better overall workout but it takes forever for them to see results. I'm too impatient. I want it now. But I know better. I'm sure I'll get to a more balanced approach at the gym a some point. Its just getting there that's the problem.

Status Report - Friday

2008-08-15T08:58:00.003-04:00

I have to admit, I'm a bit disappointed. After having what has to be the lightest eating week I've had ever, I just made my goal for the week: 199.5lbs. This is the same 199lbs I was aiming for last Friday and missed by about a pound. The same 199lbs I have seen a couple of times in the past month only to see my weight go back up a couple of pounds. It would appear that 200 is my new nemesis much like 207 used to be and 213 before that. It seems that my body likes to be about 200lbs, when I lost the rest of my weight originally several years ago, I got stuck at around 204lbs for a few years, then after managing to drop to about 185 or so for a while, getting sick and losing a ton of weight (which was chronicled in Gastric Bypass Nightmares Parts 3 and 4), my body raced back up to 200lbs in record time. Then it forgot to stop racing and shot me past it which I've been trying rectify for the past 11 months.

So here I am, in a familiar place, wondering if maybe I should just maintain this weight and forget trying to reach what seems like an impossible goal at times. After all, what happens after I finally get to 190 or heaven forbid, 180? What will I have to do to maintain that? If I maintain my current activity levels, I can only eat about 2300 calories per day. If I decide to cut back on my visits to the gym, I must eat even less. At first glance, this seems easy. 2300 calories is like a dream to many people I'm sure, especially women who must eat less calories then men to maintain their weight, but when you consider how many calories are in food, you realize you aren't really eating all that much.

Currently I eat probably 7-9 portions of fruit, usually 3-5 portions of vegetables and then whatever meal we have for dinner, sometimes chicken, sometimes beef, sometimes we just munch which means for me, bowl of cereal, soup, a sandwich, whatever. And that adds up to about 2300 or more. And I feel like I've not eaten all that much. Imagine if I actually ate a real breakfast? Some combination of bacon, eggs, toast, potato or pancakes would quickly add up the calories. Then imagine if I ate a real lunch? Like the lunch special at work or a visit to a restaurant for takeout? Or a sandwich or leftovers from home? What does that leave for dinner? How does air taste? I hear water is supposed to fill you up. So its nothing to eat what is considered normal: traditional breakfast, lunch, and dinner and ingest more than 3000 calories. So you end up having to always eat light just to maintain a decent weight. That means something small like an apple or slice of toast (no butter), or a cup of cereal for breakfast, a salad, maybe another apple or piece of fruit or sliver of real food for lunch, then a moderate dinner consisting of 3oz. of meat, veggies and a bit of a starch since rice and potatoes add up the calories.

Sound like a diet? It should because that's what it is in a nutshell. Yet its what is necessary apparently to maintain a good healthy weight. So where do you fit in beverages that are not water? Or a trip to a restaurant or a visit to the local chip truck? What about enjoying some junk food? I mean you can't realistically expect people to just never eat any of this stuff again. Oh I know, you can have 10 potato chips. Gee, thanks. You can have pizza, but just a slice. A whole slice? Really, honest and true?? Guess I'd better get used to feeling hungry.

Yes, I'm bitching and probably making it sound a lot worse than it is. As I'm writing this, I'm questioning some of the statements I've already made. But to someone who loves to eat, someone who really enjoys a good meal, its hard to accept that in order to maintain a good weight, I have to sacrifice so much. I miss being able to open a bag of cookies and eat more than one or two with a glass of milk. Or being able to order a pizza and gobble up more than a couple of slices without feeling massive amounts of guilt. On a hot summers day, an ice cream cone is a wonderful treat. Too bad that large scoop on a waffle cone probably comes in at 700 or more calories. In fact, its probably much higher. But this is my life, if I want to be normal looking. I've been horribly obese, deathly thin and all points in between and I prefer to be normal size. Its good to be able to buy off the rack, to fit into the rides at the amusement park and to be able to complete basic tasks like walking up stairs without needing CPR. I'm still adjusting, seems like I've been adjusting for years now and I'm still not there yet. I'm proud of my accomplishments so far but God I'd love a big cheesy pizza right about now.

Last weekend

2008-08-13T13:12:00.004-04:00

Funny how much time goes by before you realize you haven't written anything and it might be a good idea to sit down and jot something down....anything. So after a weird last few days, I figure I'll sort out what's been going on diet wise, or rather, lifestyle wise.

We went out to dinner at this fancy Italian place Friday night and then hit the downtown for a couple of drinks afterward. I was planning to have Chicken Parmagiana but at the last minute decided to go with lasagna. I know, not the best decision but how often does one get lasagna? And I did order a salad for an appetizer instead of what I really wanted which was garlic bread. So after dinner, we wandered downtown and settled in at this place that featured a pianist and a guitarist playing crowd favourites. I had a couple of light beers before we left and came across this dessert place.

Now, we had been talking about these dessert eateries since going to Vancouver in April and visiting one. If you've never been, they feature a variety of cakes and pies displayed in a nice cold showcase and you can purchase a slice of whichever dessert catches your fancy for sit in or take out. I settled on a banana cream cake while Red went for some chocolate mousse thingy that was to die for. For some reason, neither of us were overly concerned with the calories that night, we had decided we were going out and we were going to enjoy ourselves. None of this asking the chef to alter the meal to avoid certain calories, or asking for vinegar instead of salad dressing, or avoiding the bread. We decided that since it felt like we hadn't eaten anything substantial in what seemed like weeks, we were going to just let it alone.

Saturday wasn't a very good day though. We decided to see a movie since we were bored so we took in a matinee. In recent months, we've been pretty good about avoiding the concession stand but for whatever reason, we ended up over at the pretzel place staring at 2 delicious looking cheese pretzels. After a bit of debate, we went for it. I know Red was hungry and we had decided on subs for dinner, but again, we just let it go. I wanted fries so I picked up some, with gravy I might add, and we sat down for the movie. Afterwards, it was sub time and the rest of the evening was fine.

Sunday wasn't horrible but the Def Leppard concert was on and I decided to have a few drinks before the show. After downing a few rum and diet cokes, we headed out. Of course, I was feeling pretty good and ended up purchasing some beers while there. So not a great day or weekend but I got back on track on Monday. I did step on the scale and I was only a pound over Friday's weight so I felt okay about that. Today, I did step on again because I had been doing rather well this week and was curious. I know what I said before about only weighing myself once a week but with all the indulgences, I had to know. Imagine my surprise when it read 199lbs. 199! I was shocked, however I did have a very light day Tuesday so I might be weighing light due to dehydration. We'll see on Friday when I step on for my official weigh in.

One thing I've noticed since I've been blogging, is that I can really see how I'm doing weight wise from week to week. I've always watched it but its so easy to lose track of how long you've been at a certain weight or how far you have, or haven't, come along during a certain amount of time. For instance, went we went to Vancouver in April, I was roughly 207lbs. I'm now about 200lbs give or take. That means that in the almost 4 months since then, i've only lost about 7lbs. But that's not true. I gained some weight after that which needed to be lost. Then we went to Niagara Falls which ended up costing me weight wise. So if you look at it that way, I've been battling to take weight off that I stupidly put on to begin with during these short periods of time. Not the best strategy to be sure and its slowing down the race to my goal weight. The nice part is, I can see the difference in my body, especially around my abdomen. Red has noticed it too and has been very supportive which helps.

One thing I had forgotten about the battle is the feeling of success and the added motivation you feel when you actually SEE the results. It seems like so long since I really noticed a change that encouraged me to continue with renewed vigor. But the past couple of weeks have been inspiring and despite this past weekend, I'm feeling pretty good about my weight. Onward and upward I say!

Weigh in time...The week in retrospect

2008-08-08T10:08:00.002-04:00

So its finally Friday. I can't tell you how happy I am to see the weekend here. Its been a short week considering the August Civic holiday on Monday, but for me, the week couldn't end quick enough. I mentioned before that Red was going to a retirement dinner for her aunt on Monday evening. That left me to my own devices and I planned on seeing The Dark Knight again. I had contemplated popcorn at the show but I also had to think about dinner. My guilt would not allow me to indulge in both so I made a decision. Not the best choice but it was something I felt I needed to do.

I'd been craving something chocolaty for a while, so I stopped at the drugstore across from the theater to see if there was something that might catch my eye. I intended it to be small, nothing outlandish, just enough to satisfy that craving and satisfy my inner fat guy who wanted to indulge. I settled on a small bag of peanut M&Ms. Since the movie is over 2hrs long, I went for a large diet Coke and figured that would be it. But something caught my eye. The theater we go to usually has various other food outlets besides the standard confection stand. There's a KFC/Taco Bell, New York Fries, Burger King, and a Wetzels Pretzels. It was the latter that caught my eye. See, most times when we go, they are out of pretzels and don't appear to be prepping any more. I fail to understand how I can get popcorn, candy, nachos, burgers, dogs, fries, ice cream and fried chicken among other things but never pretzels despite the fact that there is a pretzel franchise right there occupying a sizable chunk of real estate inside the theater. It astounds me and pisses me off royally.

Well I thought I'd just take a wander over, you know, just to see if Wetzel's would live up to their reputation for teasing us. Imagine my surprise when there were several, yes several, pretzels sitting there ready for consumption, and me on my diet, or lifestyle change to be more accurate. Now I did it to myself by going over and seeing, but they just looked so good and I was hungry. Besides, they NEVER have pretzels so I had to grab one out of principle. So yes, I had guilt over that and get this, it seemed tough and stale. Maybe a sign? I got out of the movie with my next mission in mind: pizza.

I had decided on pizza for dinner earlier since I was free that night and hadn't enjoyed any in what seemed like forever. I was due. So I stopped at our local shop and since they didn't have any slices available, ordered a small all dressed. I figured I'd just eat light the rest of the week. My goal for this week was to come in under 200lbs. I cheated Monday morning by stepping on the scale and saw 199.5. I figured it was a fluke since I was 201.5 on Friday and knew I had the rest of the week to make it up.

And I did. We ate light all week. I hit the gym each day this week. Even when I was really hungry, I stayed the course. I probably overdosed on the fruit but at least it was fruit. I did cheat and step on it yesterday just to see where I stood and it read 200lbs. I stepped on the scale this morning expecting good news. I'm not sure how to feel about what I saw.

Our bathroom floor is a bit lopsided so in order to get an accurate reading, you need to move the scale to a section of the floor tiles that are reasonably even and all four corners of the scale sit flat. I know this spot so I proceeded to slide it over and stepped on. 200.5lbs. Okay, I thought. I stepped off and back on. 201.5lbs. WTF!?! I stepped off again and moved the scale around one more time. Then I stepped back on. 201lbs. Okay, so 3 different weights in a matter of 2 minutes. Which weight is right? I know its only a pound of difference but it matters to me. Aside from Monday's indulgence, I was good. And I was 200 Thursday morning. So I figure I did lose a bit this week but I didn't hit my mark. I'm fine with that.

I would step back on tomorrow just to see what the difference might be but we are going out to dinner tonight to a nice Italian place and Italian is not calorie friendly. And I'm not going to spoil dinner by eating salad and soup. We don't eat out much so when we do, I'm going to enjoy it. I only brought fruit to work today so it will be a light day up until then and I can always go light again tomorrow to balance it out. See, its all about balance. You can have the foods you love, you just have to balance them out with smaller portions and cuts elsewhere. I'd love to have my cake and eat it too but its simply not in the cards. I've already lived that life and look where that got me.

Nah, I'm going to enjoy dinner tonight and I'll deal with it tomorrow. Goal for next week is 198-199lbs. I have confidence in that.

Fad diets

2008-08-06T10:29:00.003-04:00

Saw this http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/91674 yesterday and just shook my head. Another fad diet. Lots of buzz generating lots of interest from the 'I want to lose weight and be thin without doing any real work' gang. Apparently this diet does not require exercise although it is recommended, and only appears to require a commitment of about a month. Sounds perfect doesn't it?

Wrong. The Flat Belly Diet is just another fad diet created and marketed to the eternally stupid and naive. South Beach, Atkins, the Cabbage soup diet, they're all short term answers, if you can follow them long enough. But what about after? What happens after you've lost that extra weight and don't need to follow the diet anymore? Maintenance? Sure, its there, at least the creators of these fad diets understand the need to follow a maintenance plan after, but how many follow it? Look at the number of people who are yo-yo dieters and you'll see. One diet after another, some success then failure, lose some weight, gain some more back. I'm thinking the majority of the people who use these diets and manage to not only lose the extra weight, but keep it off are in the minority.

I've known countless people who've used these programs and others and most of them are still fat. Sure, many of them lost some weight but most of them gained it back, plus. Why? Because they see it as a diet, not as a lifestyle change. They see it as a finite period of time in their lives, not something they must follow the rest of it. You don't get fat by accident. You don't get fat by eating right and exercising. You get fat by overindulging in "treats", making poor quality food choices, over-eating, being sedentary. In order to achieve permanent weight loss, you must change your eating habits forever. Accept the fact that you can't eat chips, chocolate, nachos covered in cheese sauce, fast food, pop and anything else we know is bad for us all the time. Accept that we have to get some exercise, get our heart racing to burn calories and build some muscle which burns more calories.

Too many people are looking for the "magic bullet", that elusive quick fix that will banish fat from our bodies forever. Well I've got news for you, it doesn't exist. As I cruise some weight loss forums and blogs, it never ceases to amaze me how ignorant many people are to the realities of weight gain and loss. In this day and age of information at the touch of a button, of countless books and videos on the subject, newspaper articles among other sources, how can anybody still be ignorant of cause and effect when it comes to weight? Everyone knows McDonalds and most other fast food is high fat, high calorie and not a healthy choice yet people still flock to these outlets. They'll even go to a Subway, considered a healthier choice for its fresh options, and blow it by requesting extra mayo, cheese or bacon. But to them, they've made a healthy choice because Jared said so and he lost a ton of weight. Well Jared didn't go with mayo, cheese or bacon ever. He ordered them as recommended by Subway to achieve the low fat, lower calorie advantage.

They fool themselves by buying low carb this, or low fat that, neglecting to notice the calorie count on these items. Then they'll eat more of it because they think they're doing the right thing in the first place. Ridiculous. Fad diets receive all the hype because they're sexier, they've got catchy names and celebrity endorsements, and they promise to take the weight off fast and easy. Who wouldn't want that? But celebrity endorsements are a catch situation in that they aren't like us. They have personal chefs, personal trainers and are under constant pressure from the Hollywood hype machine to maintain their thin appearance. Notice how many of these celebs once they're fifteen minutes are up, tend to balloon up? Look at Kirsty Alley. Once her career dried up, she gained a massive amount of weight. She was able to parlay that into a short lived TV series, Fat Actress, but after that, zilch. She was recruited by Jenny Craig to hawk that program and she did very well. But have you seen her lately? Notice how Jenny no longer mentions that failure? When they switched to Valerie Bertinelli, Kirsty still made appearances, then nothing. Can't show what happens after you finish the program now can we? Sadly, what happened to Kirsty happens to most people.

The doctors and dieticians are there, preaching about good lifestyle choices, exercise and the more sensible approach to your weight but nobody is listening. They don't want to hear it. What do you mean I have to eat 4-5 portions of vegetables? 7-8 glasses of water? How do I fit that in around my coffee, my afternoon pop or my beer or wine? Only 3-4oz of meat at a time? That's insane! I'll starve to death! Exercise? You mean I have to get up off the couch and move? I hate sweating!

Then stop whining and accept the fate you created for yourself. Its on you, own it.

Dating as a fat person

2008-08-05T11:01:00.004-04:00

Dating when you're a fat person is an exercise in frustration. As a man, I can only speak from that perspective, but from what I've read on various forums, heard from other fattys, and read in articles, women experience the same thing. If you're fat, your options are limited and many times, we settle. We either end up alone or with someone who probably isn't your first or second choice, maybe not even in the top 10 or on the radar at all, and that person most likely isn't the fabled "One".

As I look back on my dating experiences as a fat guy, I see a common thread. Most of the women I dated were fat, only 2 were of normal size and I have no idea what the motives were of one of them. They say like attracts like and I believe that. While these girlfriends were overweight, at least they were pretty. My ex was a beautiful woman who steadily gained weight over the years and had a head full of bad wiring. When we met, she was curvy, probably a good 30lbs or more overweight but it seemed like it was in all the right places. I was only 3 years removed from my gastric bypass surgery so I wasn't the huge slob I had become but was still a good hundred pounds overweight. For whatever reason, she dug me, and I her, so we hit it off. Unfortunately, the bad wiring in her head became apparent over time (read after we moved in together) and I ended up in another bad situation. See, this is the other problem with dating when you're fat. You also attract people with head problems, low self esteem and any other number of issues. These people are just looking for attention, for love and they'll take it wherever they can get it. My ex was like this. She just needed someone to get her away from her parents, to help pay the bills. Whatever love was there in the beginning was replaced with a dependency, her on me, and me dealing with my own esteem issues and feelings of loneliness which kept me with her. It was better than nothing, right?

This is what happens all the time. I've seen it countless times, so have you. Two people together who have little in common, don't appear to like one another, and seem to only fight. I've done it several times and to be honest, its a waste of life. Its not better than nothing, its worse. Why live in an atmosphere full of tension, with someone you really can't even look in the eye without wanting to pummel them? Where's the desire? The attraction? The feeling of contentment? This was my life.

After I finally got it together and lost the rest of my weight, my social life opened up exponentially. I dated women I could only dream about before. One woman I dated for a while was someone I had longed for and used to shop at the store she worked at just to get a chance to see her and talk to her a bit during the transaction. When she came into my workplace later on and we struck up a conversation which led to a date, I was floored. Here I was dating this girl I had been crushing on for several years. Amazing! And this trend continued. Obviously, I didn't date every girl I wanted, but at least I had the expectation of possibly receiving a yes to my offer of a date. Not at all like when I was fat and there simply was no point in even trying.

The advantage to being able to date lots of different people instead of just settling on one right away, is that you get a chance to find out what you like, what you really want in a partner. When you are fat and limited in your options, you don't have that opportunity. You're so desperate to find someone who will just have you that you forsake true happiness and live, what is essentially, a lie. When you're fat, you learn to develop your personality since you can't trade on your looks, and you are drawn to the personality of others. In essence, you see the person, not what they look like. Two fat people who can do this will find happiness I believe, but I also believe that if they were thin, they would be looking for someone more attractive. Its human nature, we are a visual species and until you have walked on both sides of the fence, you can't really understand it.

When I was fat, I dated fat women for the most part. If they weren't fat, they weren't particularly attractive. When I lost the weight, I dated women I was more attracted to. No, I wasn't looking for super model types, just women who were attractive to me. I did meet a few overweight women during this time, but I just couldn't go back. As nice as they were, as pretty as they were, I couldn't get past the fat. It just did nothing for me. And I've seen this in other former fattys. Suddenly they are pickier in who they choose to date. Some, many in fact, fattys call this shallow. Its what's inside that matters, they cry. True, but the outside package has to be appealing to a person. Some people aren't bothered by fat, many of us can forgive an extra 20 or so pounds, but many can't. It doesn't make them bad people and not worth knowing, its a preference and we all have them. You can't force attraction onto someone. And the argument that once they get to know you, they'll see you as more attractive? Rare. I've tried and met various overweight women who turned out to be fun, great people, but when it came time to take it to the next level, I simply couldn't. They were friends. And friends is where many fattys end up in their quest for love.

I can't tell you the number of times I landed in the friends column. It sucks but I understood. Even though I hated it, I understood. If I wanted to change it, I knew I had to take action and I did. Because of that, I had a chance to really figure out what I wanted and needed in a partner, and after some extensive dating over a few years, I found my "One".

Welcome to the Long Weekend

2008-08-01T17:25:00.002-04:00

Well its Friday and time for my weekly weigh in. Now I said on Monday that I had stopped weighing myself everyday because the deviations from day to day were stressful and were not a true reflection of what I was doing, and when I got on the scale and it read a pound heavier than I was the previous Friday AND 2 pounds from the Sunday, I knew that I couldn't, and shouldn't, trust it as it would only bring me down. Now to be honest, because of my frustration with seeing that extra weight on Monday, I did step on the scale Wednesday. I know, I know, you said you'd only weigh yourself on Fridays, but it was killing me. So I did it anyway. And it read: 201.5lbs. That's a 3 pound drop from just 2 days before. More proof that daily weighing isn't a good thing.

Since I felt that my true weight from the previous Friday was 203.5lbs, I used that as my benchmark when I stepped on the scale today. The reading? 201lbs. A 2.5lbs drop in a week. Am I happy? You're God damned right I am! I've been sacrificing all week, feeling hungry, going to the gym religiously and doing my full workout. I deserved to see some good news on the scale! My goal was to reach 201 by the end of this week so I'm satisfied.

My goal for next week is to be under 200lbs. Even if I weigh in at 199.5, I'll be happy. I have thought if this is an unrealistic goal but I've decided it is not. I've been eating really well lately and avoided the pitfalls that I would normally fall into. I had a good weekend last and despite the long weekend coming up, I'm feeling confident. I do have pizza on the brain but Red is sick and there's no point in indulging in something that she simply isn't going to enjoy. So for dinner, I had leftover chicken. I had a light day consisting of apples, pears and a Fibre 1 bar so I'm doing pretty well so far. I plan on enjoying some fruit this evening as a snack and a few drinks. It IS the long weekend after all. What do I plan to do the rest of the weekend? Well, we're not sure yet although we know we are going out to a fireworks show at the Casino du lac Leamy tomorrow night. I doubt there'll be much in the way of junk available but even if there is, I'm really not interested. Red has plans to have dinner with her retiring aunt, mother and their sisters Monday evening so I'm going to see the Dark Knight again. I have been thinking of enjoying some movie theater popcorn at this showing, but I doubt I will. My guilt is just too strong and I've been doing exceptionally well lately. All in all, I think I'm going to be okay.

Gastric Bypass Nightmares 4 - Wasting Away

2008-07-31T10:41:00.004-04:00

I moved to Ottawa in June of 2005 for a job with a software company. It would be my first real job after graduating college the previous year and I was excited. I didn't know anybody up here so I was literally alone for the first time in my life. The company I work for is pretty cutting edge and the place is filled with geniuses, real hard core computer programmers who know a lot about computers. It was stressful as I realized quickily how much I didn't know and I started to worry that they might decide I simply don't have the smarts to be there. I have to admit my nerves were on edge.

When I went home for Christmas that year, I hadn't noticed anything different in my eating habits but apparently my mother had. She said that she felt I was throwing up more than before. I waved it off as her just being hyper-sensitive to the situation and maybe being concerned for me since I wasn't around much anymore. According to the scale I was around 185-190lbs, about 5 or so more pounds than I was that summer. In January, I did notice that I had had a couple of bouts where I was having troubles ingesting food for a few days on end, but it would clear up and everything seemed fine after. In February I was given a referral to a gastric specialist as I felt this was a bit odd, even for me.

The specialist jammed one of those cameras down my throat to see what was going on in there but he found nothing unusual. So I carried on not giving it much more thought. As the winter turned to spring, I noticed the scale was going down. I was having a few more bouts of this eating problem but since the doctor hadn't found anything wrong, I figured I was just losing weight due to diet and exercise. But I wasn't feeling well. By the summer, I felt weak. Walking around downtown had become cumbersome, I simply didn't have the energy to do much of it. And my weight had dropped to around 165lbs. By now I knew I was throwing up more often, it seemed I couldn't digest anything for days on end. Then suddenly it would clear up and I could eat again. This was constant but I still had what the doctor's findings said in my head: everything looked normal down there.

During a trip home in August for my mother's birthday, everyone noticed my weight loss. My face was thin and greyish, my clothes hanged off of me. I didn't feel great either and felt drained. My grandmother kept looking over at me with a very worried look on her face. My grandfather had died of cancer and she had watched him waste away as he slowly died. Mom told me later that she thought I might have cancer. Mom suggested very strongly that I see a doctor, better yet, our family doctor back home instead of a clinic doctor in Ottawa. I declined to see him as it would require taking a day off to travel and I simply couldn't take the time off. I'd go see a doctor in Ottawa.

I dropped into a clinic in September to discuss what might be happening and the doctor sent me for blood work and an ultrasound. After a couple of weeks, the results came in and it didn't explain anything. Nothing unusual came back from the ultrasound and the blood work showed signs of malnutrition and very low iron. He referred me back to the gastric specialist to further investigate this mysterious illness since it looked to be physical and not from a disease. Of course with referrals, you wait for weeks or months at a time. Because I had seen this guy previously and there appeared to be some urgency, I got in within a couple of weeks.

He decided to send me to see a gastric surgeon who because of his experiences with gastric bypass surgery might be able to shed some light on what was wrong. At the same time, he booked me for a bariatric swallow but the wait was going to be about a month for both. During this time, I continued to lose weight, my clothes long ago too big on me, so I started haunting the second hand stores for pants since I didn't want to spend real money on clothes I was only going to toss later. My eyes had become hollow and black, my cheeks sunken. I had virtually no energy, I just sat at my cube like a zombie. A few people at work noticed and commented on my weight loss with concern since I obviously didn't look healthy. I didn't go out anymore. I had stopped dating in the summer since I looked terrible and nobody would want to date me in that condition. Also, I wasn't in the mood for it. By the time my bariatric swallow came around on October 31, yes Halloween, I was about 140lbs.

A bariatric swallow is not a pleasant thing. You lie on a metal table with an x-ray machine hovering over you. They give you this thick, chalky substance to drink and then they take pictures of your stomach while moving the table up and down, then have you roll over to the side. The purpose is to see the flow through your esophagus and stomach and see where the flow is stopping and if there are any obvious obstructions. Fortunately, I was having a bad week digestive wise so I knew it had to show something. And it did. The substance began pooling at the point of entry to my stomach, right where the surgery had taken place. As they looked at the images, you could see it very slowly flowing into the stomach but it was but a trickle. They said they'd send the results to both the gastric doctor and the gastric surgeon and sent me on my way.

During my meeting with the surgeon afterwards, he informed me that he no longer did gastric bypass surgeries or reversals. He said that he'd have to look into who is doing that type of surgery these days since he said it wasn't that common here anymore. I found that hard to believe since it seems like everybody is getting some form of gastric bypass surgery done these days. He talked about expanding the opening of the stomach using a balloon to allow food to pass or reworking the entire surgery altogether to make it work again. I told him no, that after 17 years of Hell, I had had enough and wanted it reversed. Plus I didn't trust it anymore. If after 17 years, I can suddenly develop some kind of serious issue, then I wasn't going to tempt fate again. He told me his office would contact me with a referral to someone who could help me.

On November 5, I finally collapsed. It was at work and I was feeling pretty dizzy and disoriented. It was like it just hit me suddenly. A cold sweat, chills, feeling like I was going to pass out. I knew I had to get help so I called my boss and told him I have to get to a hospital, then I called my mother. She said she would come right up. Good, I didn't want to be alone. A workmate offered to take me to the hospital so off we went. Due to my obvious distress, I got in pretty much right away. After hearing my story and taking some vitals, they hooked me up to an IV for fluids and started checking me over. To be honest, I was scared to death. I had felt dizzy and weak before, but this was different. It was far worse.

I spent about 10 hours in hospital that day and felt much better after receiving 2 1/2 bags of fluids to rehydrate me. I decided I needed to take a few days of to recuperate since I had no idea how long my hydration would last, so I went home to Kingston. A week later I was back at work and I finally had an appointment with a doctor who could help me. He agreed to reverse the bypass surgery but wouldn't know what to expect until he got in there since we still didn't know what was causing the blockage. He told me they'd call with a date. On December 5, exactly month after my scare, I collapsed again. This time it was morning and I was still at home. I made it to the hospital where the reception nurse recognized me and put me through right away. Again they filled me full of fluids and told me there was nothing else they could do for me until my surgery date was set.

In mid December I got the call. January 12th would be the day. By this time I was unable to eat much at all and had withered away to a pathetic 128lbs. My diet consisted of popsicles which I found easy to eat, the odd slice of toast, and Boost or Ensure which only stayed down some of the time. I looked like one of those Ethopians you see on World Vision, minus the dirt and flies. I continued working, I was all set for sick leave but couldn't afford to stop working until I had to. A couple of days before surgery, I had to go in for a pre-operative assessment. There they performed an electrocardiogram and found a problem with my heart. Seems the malnutrition had caused some electrical problems with it and now they were concerned with putting me under. Great! All this suffering just to find out they may call off the surgery. But it was a catch-22 situation: I needed the surgery to fix my problem so I wouldn't die but putting me under might kill me too. I told them I'd rather die on the table than suffer anymore and die slowly since there was no guarantee I'd ever meet the standard for the anasethetic in my condition.

On January 11, the hospital called and said I had been cancelled due to lack of beds. This has been a huge issue in Canada for a long time and now it was affecting me. They rebooked me for the next week and I tried to wait patiently. The day before the new date, they called again. Same problem. I expressed my disappointment but they said there was nothing they could do since I wasn't an emergency case. HOW THE FUCK AM I NOT AN EMERGENCY CASE!?! I'M DYING HERE!! Again, they rebooked me for the following week and again I was cancelled. By this time, I was so sick and lethargic that I just didn't care anymore. I was told this could go on for months so I began to lose hope for a recovery. I told my family that if I died waiting, I wanted people sued; the health care system, doctors, anybody. They just nodded but I knew they never would.

Finally on February 1, I got the call. A bed had just opened up so be there by 3pm or its gone. It was 1pm. I told the boss I was gone and headed home to pack a bag. A short taxi ride later and I was booked in. Still, I was told, the surgery could be cancelled if something else came up. I resigned myself to my fate. If it happened, it happened. If not, then screw it. Fortunately, it happened. After 17 horrible years, the bypass was reversed, or rather, re-engineerred since they couldn't put me back together as I originally was. But the effect was the same.

The surgeon described the obstruction as "kind of an old ulcer that had scarred up". Ulcer? I have no history of ulcers. Oh wait....maybe all that stress I was under during my first few months at the new job did more damage than I thought. Maybe I had a little ulcer from years of stress and it all finally came to a climax. Who knows? All I knew is that I could suddenly eat again, without tossing up. All the foods I had been forbidden were available again. Upon arriving home in Kingston to convalese, I enjoyed my first pork chop meal in years. It was the best pork chop I had ever had and my moans of ecstacy had my sister laughing hard. The biggest issue would be, of course, would he gain back all the weight?

That's another story.

Cruel Summer

2008-07-30T12:20:00.006-04:00

I hate summer. I used to love summer but this year just hasn't been fun. The weather's been bad, cloudy just about every day with terrible humidity, rainy, just dreary. I don't really have any plans this summer other than our trip to Niagara Falls in June. Its just a quiet boring summer overall.

But the weather notwithstanding, my biggest peave about this summer is that I can't enjoy all the food summer brings. Summer means chip trucks are open serving delicious hot and crispy hand cut fries and gravy, I love gravy. Summer means margaritas or some other slushie drink thats great on a patio downtown. Summer means visiting the hot dog vendor on the street for tasty dog while you roam around taking in the day. Summer also means ice cream. Big delicious cones served with your favourite flavours and toppings. Mmmmmm! But not for me.

To be honest, I haven't had much of a taste for ice cream this summer. Early on, we went to the local DQ for a blizzard and the cheap metallic taste of the ice cream turned both of us off. In fact, I threw mine up later after getting home, my tummy just couldn't take it. Since then, we haven't really eaten ice cream and that's probably a good thing. But last night we dropped into the drug store during our nightly walk to cash in some scratch tickets and I started rummaging through the ice cream freezer. What I found shocked me.

Drumsticks came in at about 360 calories, the Kingsize ones at 450, Klondike cookie sandwiches were 470, even the basic ice cream bar came in at 250. In retrospect, I guess I wasn't too shocked, maybe my reaction was stronger than it should have been because it was then that I realized I couldn't have ice cream this summer. It just didn't fit into the plan. Just like those crispy hand cut fries didn't fit, or buttery popcorn at the movies.

They say everything in moderation but when you're watching your caloric intake daily, its hard to find a spot for them. My day consists of a couple of apples, a pear sometimes, usually a banana, or two if they are getting too ripe and need to be eaten, and either a salad or soup for lunch. That can work out to anywhere from 600-900 calories just during the day, and that doesn't include supper and any snacks in the evening! Depending on what I eat for supper, I'm pushing 1800-2000 calories by 6pm. And because most of my day has been spent consuming foods that aren't very filling or satisfying, I get hungry. Now fortunately, I have developed a taste for fruit so my snacking would be grapes, watermelon, pineapple or something else, but its very easy to sit and munch on grapes or pineapple and not realize how many you've ingested. And again, they aren't very satisfying so the hunger comes back after a while. What to do?

According to the calorie requirement calculators i've found online, I need about 2900 calories a day to maintain my weight. I'm trying to stay around the 2000 mark give or take. Do you know how easy it is to rack up 2000 calories and still be hungry? I need more substansive foods, things that stick with you and keep you full so you aren't prowling the kitchen. Water isn't filling despite what the experts say and neither is celery. Fruit is, but it passes quickily leaving you wanting more or something else. Even during the day I don't feel like I've really eaten. A couple of apples do nothing, bananas are a bit more filling, salad is a joke and so is soup. And I eat Chunky soup! With crackers! By the time I get home, I'm starving and ready to eat.

Part of my problem is boredom. I eat when I'm bored. I also eat when I'm stressed out but I'm trying to curb that. But sitting on the couch watching TV makes it worse. We go for walks after dinner, sometimes we play video games, but we end up in front of the tube by mid-evening. Its an association I've learned over the years. My family always ate in front of the TV. And we were snackers, so it just became normal for us. To this day I find it difficult to just sit in front of the TV and not munch. Now granted, I'm munching on fruits for the most part but it doesn't take long for fruit to add up. We started buying those All Bran bars and Fibre 1 bars to snack on as we figured the fibre would be a good thing. However, each bar is about 140 calories and lets face it, not very satisfying although they taste great. It would be nothing to mow down on several at once. My inner fat guy would if I let him, and believe me he's almost won a few times.

This is why diets just don't work. You never feel full, or if you do, its only for a short time. Then what? I try to eat better, in fact, I eat better than I ever have and it shows. I am losing my extra weight but at what price? Frustration over not being able to enjoy some basic summer treats? Bitterness that I know this is my life from now on? Resentment that despite my best efforts, I simply can't learn to eat less and like it. I do eat less but I hate it. I hate not being able to wander on down to the DQ on a nice evening for a summer treat without having to cut out a few other things to make up for it. Is that worth it? No. So I suffer. Some people are fine with having just a taste, they find it satisfying and enough to curb them. Me? Not so much. I like to eat and dammit! I'm hungry!

Excuses, excuses

2008-07-29T11:08:00.003-04:00

They call it an obesity epidemic. More and more people, both adults and children, are fat. Its hard to argue this, just step outside and take a look around. Seems like every other person has a roll around their waist and a double chin. Its funny because when I was fat, I felt like the odd man out, that one fat guy you'd see in a day. Nowadays, I think I'd fit right in, just another fatty out and about. Its crazy to me, like the universe is switching things up; what's up is down, what's white is black. Being overweight is becoming more the norm than the exception.

There are lots of reasons being suggested for this: too much TV, too much time in front of a computer, drive thru, saturation of fast food marketing, ready to eat dinners for the time constrained, people not cooking at home anymore, etc. I tend to believe all of them. What I don't believe is the bullshit reasons some of these people have for their size.
"I have a thyroid problem."
"I have bad genes."
"I don't have time to exercise."
"I have (fill in the blank) medical problem."

Some people truly do have one or more of these issues that contributes to their size, but most don't. Instead they find an excuse, any excuse to avoid responsibility for themselves. But its easy enough to call them on it; simply open up their fridge and cupboards. I guarantee you you will find more than enough evidence to dispute their excuses and find them personally responsible for their problem.

My mother is like this. She was a thin teenager but started to battle her weight as she entered her twenties and produced 2 children. After my parents divorced, she stopped watching herself and ballooned up to over 200lbs. She managed to lose this weight after joining a now defunct company called the "Weight Loss Clinic", which I too used for a while, but it was only a short respite as she eventually gained back the weight plus more. She's now bigger than ever and despite her claims that her doctor has pronounced her "medically fit", she looks like she could drop dead at any time. She smokes and drinks and gets virtually no cardio exercise. She cooks and claims to not eat much junk or bad foods but yet there she is, horribly obese. The last time I visited her, she said something about not having anything bad in her kitchen so I called her on it. Guess what I found?

Nacho chips and salsa (not bad but chips are bad regardless), snack bags of nuts, buttered microwavable popcorn, candies that she claims she doesn't eat, snacking crackers like Triscuits, Mr. Freezies (although they said sugar free), lots of beer and liquor, and a couple of other items I can't quite recall. Now my mother does cook most of her meals and she does try to be conscious of what goes into them, but she also buys a lot of fast food while at work. She denys this but one look at the floor in the back seat of her car reveals paper bags from Burger King, Harvey's, etc. And its not uncommon for her to hit the pizzeria a few doors down while at work for potato wedges, fries, pizza slice, or whatever else might catch her eye. I won't say this goes on every day, but something must be accounting for her weight. Booze has alot of calories and my mother enjoys her drinks. She works in a paint store so she's strong from carrying around cans of paint but she isn't getting any kind of cardio workout, nothing to get her heart beating so she can burn off more calories. And once she's home, she sits. She doesn't even clean her home, she pays my sister to go in and do it. LAZY!

We have another family friend who is quite obese and always has been. She doesn't work, never has, instead living off the system for most of her adult life until she married a mechanic and didn't qualify anymore. This lady cooked just about everything in the fat that she kept from other foods like bacon and stored in her fridge. How about that for artery clogging, weight packing goodness! Yet she talks about thyoid issues. Ya, right.

I noticed during lunch at the cafeteria in college what people were ordering. The thin or average sized girls were getting salad, fruit, water, fresh made sandwiches. The bigger girls were buying hamburgers, pizza slices, poutine (fries with cheese and gravy), soda, chocolate milk, candy bars and chips. Coincidence? I think not!

I was in a Subway not long ago and the overweight girl ahead of me was having her meat based sub (can't recall what kind it was) dressed. Along with the veggies, she had ordered bacon and "lots of mayo". Now I'm sure this girl is having issues with her weight like the rest of us and she probably would justify her fast food purchase by claiming it was Subway and thus a healthier choice than say pizza or a burger. True, but she blew it by adding the bacon and lots of mayo. Her sub which could have come in around 700 calories had to be at least 1200 or more. Mayo is frighteningly high in calories. Plus she bought the combo so she had a soda and cookies as well. Tack on another 500+ calories. Jared would be rolling over in his grave. Wait....he's alive? Oh...

And there's a movement out there, maybe you've heard of it? Its called fat acceptance. These whiners blog about how awful it is that people don't accept fat people for who they are. They complain about movies like WALL-E where the human race is depicted as fat, lazy, immobile clowns who can't do anything for themselves thus promoting the stereotypes. They tend to be single and bitter. From my perspective, they appear to want the world to cater to them, for members of the opposite sex to find them sexy and attractive or toss aside normal physical attraction and love the person inside because they're so wonderful. If you don't, you're shallow. God forbid they conform to the norm and present themselves better. They're fat and you're gonna like it!

This was prevelant in online dating. The site I subscribed to had forums members could participate in and discuss whatever topics they wished. Often, the topic of being overweight and unable to attract a mate came up. They would whine about how they'd send off an email to someone they liked only to receive no reply back or worse, a reply stating that the object of their affection didn't feel an attraction to them and was not interested. Of course, this meant that person was shallow. How dare they not see my inner beauty and what I can offer them! They only want to date a Barbie doll or supermodel types. Baloney! Attraction is very important to most people when it comes to dating and fat people just aren't that attractive. Most of the people who aren't concerned with looks at all are people who don't have them themselves. Rarely will you find someone who looks like Cameron Diaz in "Something About Mary" who only sees the inner beauty of somebody. Most people prefer to date within their own league or close to it. And another thing that was very interesting about these people? They wouldn't respond to other fatties or unattractive people who emailed them either. Double standard?

I, too, made bad choices not that long ago. I still do. But at least I owned up to them. I did it to myself. Nobody forced me to eat that extra large pizza with extra cheese, or prepare and eat 3 big sandwiches as a snack, or order a couple of Big Macs with super sized fries and pop. Nope. I did it to myself. While my family tends to be on the large side with many family members carrying around plenty of extra weight, I don't blame my problems on genes. It just means I have to work that little bit harder and be more diligent in my food choices. I'm basically lazy but I force myself into the gym first thing in the morning for 50 minutes on an elliptical and another 15-20 on the bike. I had my thyoid checked, you know just to be sure, and its fine. Nope, I love food. Always have, always will. And when I was a big fatty, I knew it was me. I owned my problem as Dr. Phil would say, and I took personal responsibility for it. Too bad so many won't.

Gastric Bypass Nightmares - The Third Act

2008-07-28T12:18:00.002-04:00

So I arrived home after 11 days in hospital, sore and vey slow moving. You don't realize how much you use your stomach muscles until they've been cut in half and are essentially useless. I had taken leave from work for 6 weeks to recuperate. A long time but necessary for sure. Since I was still only eating pureed foods, my mother decided that it was best to just buy baby food, or rather Junior foods. Made sense since it comes in different entrees and I could get my fruits and veggies too. I'll admit it took a while to get my head wrapped around the fact that I was eating baby food again. I assumed it would taste bland or worse, horrible. But I was assured it was fine and it was much easier than grinding up meals in the blender. Plus, it came in the right size for my newly reduced stomach.

Easter was right around the corner and mom had cooked a nice pot roast. Too bad I was still on Junior foods at the time. Solution? In the blender it went. A small piece of roast beef with gravy, then some carrots, the mashed potatoes were already, well, mashed. But this was where I learned my first lesson about portion control in my new reality. I had probably only eaten half of my dinner when I suddenly became nauseous. Very nauseous. I ran to the bathroom and vomited up my dinner. Now this was scary because the doctor had told me that I had to go easy on the stomach for the next month for fear of popping my staples and dying. Vomited and heaving into the toilet put a lot of strain on my stomach and I feared I was going to kill myself inadvertantly. Mom called the doctor's office in a panic but after things settled down, I was okay. Sore, but okay.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the lesson here wasn't that I had to only watch the amounts I ate but that certain foods were no longer going to be digestable. I learned this lesson again a couple of months later when I went out for a philly cheesesteak. I had only had a couple of bites when the thing came back on me, violently. I still wasn't sure what was happening as I had been told that i couldn't eat more than a cup of food at a time and a couple of bites from a hoagie certainly isn't going to be enough to overfill me. Over time, I figured it out. Foods that were gooey like melted cheese, peanut butter, jams and BBQ sauce gummed up the plumbing down there. Other foods that were chewy like steak, roast beef, pork chops, different types of breads and buns, ribs, etc. were also adept at clogging things up forcing me to expel it. Other more denser foods like potatoes took up too much room in my stomach again forcing me to vomit. For a while it seemed like everything was either too gooey, too chewy or too dense for me to digest. The problem was that the foods were getting to the small dollar sized opening of my new smaller stomach, which had been created for it since the food needed to bypass my normal stomach and was getting stuck. Once that happened, I had to expel it and of course, when you vomit, not only does the obstruction come up but so does the contents of your stomach.

This would explain why after this happened, I would continue eating. I had gotten rid of the food I had previously eaten so I was essentially hungry again. My family never understood this. I tried to keep my vomiting secret but you can only hide something like that for so long before everyone knows. So not only could I no longer eat a normal amount of food like everyone else, I couldn't eat certain foods. I hadn't been told this and I was getting bitter. To solve the pizza problem, I'd let it cool down enough for the cheese to solidify. If it went down as a solid, I would be okay. As for the meats, there was nothing I could do. Steak, ribs, roast beef, pork chops were out. When I was confronted with the situation, say after being invited to dinner somewhere, I would attempt to eat it but ended up in the bathroom puking my guts out...quietly of course. Eventually I gave up and started not accepting dinner invitation unless I had to.

Sure the weight started coming off, it had to. Over the course of a few months, I lost about a hundred pounds. Sure I looked better but I still had another hundred to lose so I was still pretty fat. But this is where my inner fat guy began to sabotage me. Once I hit about 280lbs, I stopped losing. I had found a way around the surgery, a way to eat and satisfy that crazy need to feed my face. The solution? Junk food. Or more specifically, chips and cheezies, especially the latter. Chips were potatoes so they would fill me up faster. But cheezies were like crispy pieces of air. They were light and broke down easily with chewing. I could put away a bag of them no problem. I got used to the vomiting and would order a pizza, a small one mind you, but way more than I should have been able to eat. Sure I'd throw up some of it, but I'd come back and finish it. I don't know how much of the pizza I'd actually keep down, but it must have been enough to stop my weight loss. I did this with everything I ate: burgers, pasta meals, chinese, home made meals, whatever. The only thing I didn't eat were the foods I knew wouldn't go down no matter what like steak. At least with pizza, once the cheese was solid, I could eat it.

Another unfortunate side effect of this surgery and my habits was that all of the vomiting was weakening the enamel on my teeth. When I did go back to the dentist a few years later, I had 14 cavities and a noticeable amount of enamel missing from my teeth. After explaining how this happened, he said that bulimics often suffer from this problem. The stomach acids simply eat away at the enamel leaving your teeth vulnerable.

Another side effect was that I developed gallstones a few months after the surgery. After suffering several gallstone attacks over a couple of months and the doctors not being able to figure it out, I went for an ultrasound and there they found the problem. My surgeon who was going to be taking care of this problem for me, actually laughed when he told me. "What is the big joke?" I thought to myself as he booked me in for the removal of my gall bladder. Turns out, when you lose a large amount of weight quickily, it upsets you body chemistry and gallstones are quite common. On January 2, ten months after my bypass surgery, I had my gall bladder removed.

Now most of this could have been avoided I'm sure with some therapy. Some preparation and education. Maybe a psychological assessment to see if I was going to be able to handle all of these life style changes. I mean, if it was that easy to just eat smaller portions and give up certain foods, I wouldn't have needed the surgery. Some people just aren't good candidates for this type of surgery. You really need to wrap your head around the limitations set by this procedure. Nobody told me about the vomiting, the inability to eat certain foods, the possibility of returning to the hospital within a year to have my gall bladder removed. Not to mention the shame I felt about my vomiting, not feeling comfortable accepting dinner invites and then when I did, having troubles digesting the meal. It made it hard when dating too. I'd go to dinner with someone and it would take a long time to find something on the menu I felt I could digest, then only eating part of it and asking for a doggie bag. More times than not, I had to explain that I only ate small amounts without giving up my secret. People didn't need to know my business and what my life was like. It was hard.

After a few years, I talked to my family doctor and explained how I felt, that I was bitter and felt lied to. That this wasn't what I signed up for. He wouldn't reverse it. He felt I would just blow up again and that I had to learn to eat within my limits and deal. Harsh.

In 2000, the switch finally went on and I went on a diet and exercise program designed to lose that pesky last 100lbs I had been carrying around forever. This story I'll leave for another post, but after having lost it, in 2003 I asked for a tummy tuck. I had a flabby middle that wouldn't shrink, the skin was simply stretched too much. In May, I had the surgery. The surgeon was the only plastic surgeon in the city and he was a few months from retirement. He had a reputation for leaving bad scars and not completely solving issues afterwards. My sister had him for a growth on her leg and her surgery was less than impressive. Same with others I heard, seemed this surgeon wasn't all that great. But he was the only game in town and I wanted it done. As a add on, I asked that he lipo my breasts since I had always had man boobs and they were quite distressing.

Afterwards, I looked like I had a string tied around my hips and pelvic area. It didn't hang as much, in fact it looked like a muffin top. The roll was diminished but it was still there. I expected a flat tummy or at least a flatter one. I still had a soft roll around my waist and my man boobs were still there. Sure he sucked the fat out but they were still sticking out. Time, he said, would solve that. It never did. So in 13 years, I had endured a gastric bypass surgery and all the side effects, removal of my gall bladder, loss of enamel on my teeth resulting in many cavities, shame and embarrassment, and a semi-successful tummy tuck. What else could happen? Oh it gets better.

The conclusion in part 4.....

Monday Blues

2008-07-28T11:55:00.002-04:00

So, new week, new goal. I've decided that perhaps weighing myself every Monday and Friday is counterproductive. Here's what I mean: on Friday I weighed myself and was 203.5lbs. I was happy about that. I had a decent weekend, didn't overeat, no junk, ate less than my daily requirement so I should have been the same. But no, I was 204.5lbs. Not a good start to the day.
I figure that since I don't go to the gym on the weekend, that my body isn't working off any calories beyond what's normal in a day. The weekend is also a time when I'd enjoy a beer or three and maybe a snack that doesn't fit into my usual daily routine (read flavoured rice cakes or a couple of pizza slices for dinner). So I'm introducing foods that are higher in fat and whatever other bad things but that are not necessarily high calorie. This means my body is going to react to these foods by retaining water which will increase my weight by a pound or two. Interestingly, I did hop on the scale yesterday morning and was 202.5 so I was really happy Sunday. How else to explain a 2 pound jump overnight?

I think the best time to record my weight is on Friday after a long hard week of going to the gym and being more active. This way I can avoid the stress and bad feelings that emerge when I see a nonsensical gain on Monday. So I'll update the weight this Friday.

Talking to Myself

2008-07-25T14:05:00.003-04:00

It's Friday! So I've stopped getting on the scale every day which is something I never used to do anyway but for some reason began doing a couple of weeks ago and I don't recommend it. Too hard on the soul when you think you've had a good day but the scale says you're up 1-2lbs, down 1 the next and then up another 1 the day after that. No thanks. I decided to weigh myself twice a week, once on Monday morning and then again on Friday morning. I could just weigh myself on either Monday or Friday but I'm more on my game during the week with watching what I eat and hitting the gym each day. I'm not too bad anymore on the weekends, but its funny how a few beers on a Saturday night or that slice or two of pizza I treated myself to can really screw me up.

Which brings me to today. Drumroll please........203.5lbs. Now last week about Tuesday or so I was 205.5lbs and I pretty much stayed there despite going up a pound then losing that pound again until this week when I finally dropped to 204.5 mid week and then to 203.5. Overall, I'm satisfied with that. That's a loss of 2lbs over a little more than a week. Good by any measure. But I can't help but feel frustrated because I hit 202lbs just before my holidays in late June so its taken me about a month to burn off the extra weight I gained during that 11 day span. Not to mention the fact that I was 207 just before the Christmas holidays came around and I really blew it there, but I've mentioned that before. So in reality, I've only really lost the weight I managed to gain during Xmas and Easter and vacation when, if I had of been smart and shown some more willpower, I could have been 190-195lbs by now, which is basically my goal.

I've often thought of tracking my weight loss with a graph or spreadsheet just to see how it actually ebbs and flows each week and month. When I started this latest battle in September, I was 226lbs. By the second week of December, I was 207lbs. That's pretty frickin' good! But since then, its been a long slow process thanks to my inner fat guy sabotaging me. There's gotta be some way of dealing with him. I mean its like he's a whole other entity inside of me, with his own mind and will. And he's clever, oh yes he is a clever one. I never named him though maybe I should, but then that might look schizophrenic. But if I had to, I'd probably call him "Jerkass".

Years ago as a teenager, my doctor referred me to a holistic doctor. These doctors practice more natural methods of healing and explore the interconnection of mind, body and spirit. One exercise he had me do was to role play with myself. He'd create a situation, say one where I'm craving or wanting something to eat, then have me have a conversation with myself (including sitting in different chairs to represent the different "personalities" within). The idea was to discover how and what was leading to me giving in to my desires and through that, learn to quash them. It was awkward at first, I mean I talk to myself all the time but I don't answer, and he encouraged me to confront the personality pushing the craving.

Usually I'd end up arguing with myself, which was quite bizarre, and at a certain point he'd ask how I felt and I'd say something to the effect of "I want to hit him" like it was a whole other person. So he'd place a pillow on the other chair and tell me to hit it as hard and as often as I liked. I can't say I felt much better afterward, slightly embarrassed might be more accurate, but it was an approach. I think I saw him a few times, then I just stopped.

I think being a fat person is like being an alcoholic. You will always be a fat person inside just as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. You will always have to watch your weight, always have to make sure to stay active somehow to burn off extra calories since your body simply doesn't do enough of a good job, always have the cravings, always fight to stay good because its so easy to fall off the wagon and once you do, its very hard to climb back on. Then there's the guilt; the guilt of indulging in something junky, of eating more than a normal sized serving or having seconds, of missing the gym one day, of sitting on your butt all day, etc. You're always hyper aware of the calories in foods and if you're not sure, you're Googling them to see. Something as simple as enjoying a bag of popcorn and a soda at the movies becomes a source of bitterness and not because of its inflated price. Unless you are one of those rare few who learn to control their cravings and only indulge in a small taste to satisfy your needs, you will spend your days wanting what you cannot have. Or at least in the amounts you want it.

I mean who wants just a bite of a candy bar? Or the serving size of a half cup of ice cream? Or one 3oz. porkchop? Or one cup of spaghetti? That's just silly! I'm still hungry!! No wonder diets fail. But then again, its not a diet we're supposed to be on, its a lifestyle change. What I wouldn't give for a revved up metabolism. I hate thin people.

Random Thoughts....

2008-07-22T19:46:00.005-04:00

I was at the grocery store the other day when I came upon this young boy who couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old wandering around the fruits and vegetables section. I was struck by how overweight this youngster was. He was huge for a child of his age, round puffy face, big belly, large arms and legs. I don't know children's sizes or normal weights, but this fella had to be carrying an extra 25 or more pounds. He was so big, his arms didn't fall at his sides. Instead they rested on the sides of his tummy sticking out as if he were in a snowsuit. I couldn't help but feel so bad for him, it wasn't his fault.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, his younger sister came waddling around the corner. She was bigger for her size than he was! She was actually bull-legged and looked to be having troubles just staying upright. Red noticed them too and leaned over to me,"That's got to be a form of child abuse." I nodded in agreement. We then saw the mother pushing a cart emerge from behind a display. She wasn't horribly overweight herself but was maybe 30lbs over give or take. She didn't appear to have much in the cart, it looked like she had just arrived moments earlier. I would have been curious to see what she was buying that is causing those kids to be so big.

It always breaks my heart to see young children obese. Usually, one or more of the parents is obese and you can see where it's coming from but this woman wasn't large. Unless both of them have some sort of medical issue, and I seriously doubt it, this woman has condemned her children to a hard life of ridicule, depression, poor physical health, and probably an early death among other things. Children learn what you teach them in those first few years and a healthy diet should be included in that. Children need to learn that they can't have everything they want and it is essential they learn to see food as a fuel source, not a comfort. I pity them.

New York City passed a bylaw stating that all restaurants with 10 or more outlets must display the calorie count of every item on their menu beside the item itself in the same font. When I first read this, I was appalled. More government invasion into our lives, I thought. Then again, I don't trust the government. But still, I could see the other side of it. Perhaps if people could see exactly how many calories were in the foods they eat at these establishments, they might make better choices and thus lose some weight. Understandably, the restaurant association is up in arms saying that adding the calorie numbers to the menus clutters the already busy boards making them hard to read, plus, they say this information is available on a restaurant's website for people who want to know.

First off, I do think some people will reconsider what they order when they see the numbers on the menu board. Those people being the ones who are trying to lose weight or maintain a weight. Then again, if that's the goal of these people, then what are they doing in a fast food restaurant? Secondly, I don't think its going to make much of a difference to most. I've already seen news reports where people have been asked if it would affect their choices and most said no. Bottom line is everybody knows that fast food is not a good choice just like they know that chocolate bars and chips are not good either. But they eat them anyway. It'll be the same thing as putting those graphic images on cigarette packs. Did they make a difference? No. Smokers don't even see them. In fact, I read something the other day that said they were looking to change up that offensive because it was felt people weren't responding to it anymore. Were they ever?

Third, since the bylaw only targets restaurants with 10 or more outlets, it is aimed at fast food establishments, the biggest target of obesity fighters. Now this comes as no surprise as the fast food industry is a billion dollar one with no downturn in sight. People may be taking a healthier approach to their eating but the industry has responded with salads, no trans fats, roasted chicken sandwiches instead of breaded and fried, etc. People are lulled into believing they are making healthier choices but in truth, they aren't. In some cases, the salads cost more in calories than a burger simply because of the extras given with it such as dressing, cheese, meats, croûtons. The no trans fat thing makes me laugh because people think the food is now better for them which it is not. Its still loaded with calories and its still deep fried!

This brings me to these fad diets and ideas people get fed (no pun intended). Things like the no trans fats. A few years ago it was all the rage to eat "no fat" foods. Sure it was comforting to know you weren't ingesting a bunch of unnecessary fats, but the calories were still there. Same thing with the low carbohydrates or low cholesterol BS. You announce something that makes bad foods sound not so bad anymore and people leap. Suddenly they feel they can eat french frys, peanut butter, butter for that matter, salad dressings and whatever else has been labeled with this good news with impunity. You can thank the advertising departments for that. What they neglect to tell you is that its still high in calories and depending which diet fad its following, is still loaded with the other bad stuff. Now its trans fats. Restaurants have been required by law to remove it from their oils and other products it may be present in. All in the name of fighting obesity.

While I agree that obesity is a huge problem destined to become worse, I can't say i agree with governments telling us what we can eat. Nobody is making us buy burgers and fries and pizzas and tacos and whatever else people want. They're doing so of their own volition. Legislating people into eating better by passing bylaws forbidding trans fats, calorie counts on menus, removing certain beverages and foods from our schools and other measures taken isn't going to change anything. People develop their eating habits in their first few years of life. And that is the responsibility of the parents to encourage good habits. You'd think that a parent, especially an overweight parent whose lived the nightmare of obesity, would care enough to teach their kids good eating habits so that they can avoid the emotional and physical issues that arise.

Sadly, from looking around, they do not.

Lunch Time Rant

2008-07-17T11:55:00.004-04:00

I eat salad just about every day for lunch at work. And I don't just bring a small token salad, I buy those bags of ready to eat tossed salad that are supposed to feed 3-4. Since its basically my entrée, it needs to be big. And besides, salad has virtually no calories, its essentially free. It isn't until you load it up with meats, cheeses and high calories dressings that salad becomes a problem. I will eat a full bag of this stuff at lunch with some low calorie salad dressing (no, I won't eat it with just vinegar and a bit of oil, if I'm going to eat friggin' salad, I need it to taste good). And no, I don't drown it in the dressing, I usually buy the low cal Italian dressing which comes in at about 5 or 10 calories a tsp depending on which brand you buy, and I try to be careful how much I apply. Add a few cherry tomatoes and perhaps some cucumber slices and we're ready to go!

So why is it that when I'm standing in the kitchenette at work pouring the salad into a bowl and preparing it for lunch that at least 2 people insist on saying "That's all your eating?" or "Eating grass for lunch?" or "That's a big salad!" Do I comment on your lunch? In our multi-cultural society, you can expect to find any and all cuisines represented during the lunch hour, all warming in the community microwave ovens creating quite an aroma around the building. So do I walk by you while you're preparing your exotic lunch, take a whiff, and say "Jesus, that smells like something I left in the toilet last night" or any other thing that might come to mind? Why comment on someone's lunch anyhow? I can see it if it smells wonderful and you wish to complement them, but just to question your choices? Why is salad such an odd choice? I thought everyone was eating salad in these health conscious times. Just because I choose to not bring a sandwich or some leftover from dinner the night before or order a bacon cheeseburger from the cafeteria doesn't make me an freak.

I'm trying to eat better. I'm trying to make sure I get my veggies in every day. And not just cooked veggies which are how you are not supposed to eat them, but raw and fresh. Or is it because I'm a guy and guys aren't supposed to eat salad other than as a side plate to their more manly entrée? I'm tring to lose weight! I'm trying to do the right thing and make the right choices! I don't need some bozo making snide comments about my lunch! Yes, I'm eating a salad. Yes, that IS my lunch. Go fuck yourself!

207....my Nemesis

2008-07-15T10:55:00.008-04:00

So its Tuesday. The scale reads 205.5. Yesterday it read 207.5. Ya, that same 207 I've come to hate with all my being. I was about 207 around the end of November, before the Xmas season began and all the sins came out almost daily. I was 207 when we went to Vancouver in late April. Now I'm hovering around 207 again. Just when I think I've broken away from it, it pulls me back in.

"Where do you think you're going? 205? 202? Less than 200? I don't think so. I'm a part of you. I own you. You don't have to like it but you better learn to love it."

It took me a while to burn off the sins of Xmas, then the sins of Easter, then the sins of....well you get the point. When I went back to college in my mid 30's, I hovered around 205lbs those 3 years. I had gotten down to a nice 185lbs the summer before school started, but then met a girl and lost my focus. Funny how that goes. I actually went up to 227lbs by November of that year. It was a disaster. It took a few months but I peeled off the weight and remained at 205 for the remainder of my college years. For some reason, after college I dropped to 190lbs then 180lbs. I wasn't doing anything different but I was working in a paint store full time while I waited for a job in my chosen career to emerge. I guess slogging all those 50lb pails of paint along with my gym workout gave me an extra boost. Either way, by the time I left for Ottawa in mid 2005, I was a trim 180lbs. I can't remember the last time I weighed 180lbs; I was probably 14 and in my junior year of high school.

Actually, a "trim" 180lbs wouldn't be totally accurate considering the left over skin hanging off my belly. I'm sure that without it, I'd look pretty sweet naked. But when you've still got a spare tire, albeit a deflated spare tire, hanging around your waist and a pair of man boobs, you are far from sweet. A constant reminder that no matter what I do, how hard I try, the abuse I wrought on myself over the years will always be there and that I'll never look the way I want to.

Maybe your body just settles at a certain weight, like that's the weight it wants you to be at. That no matter how hard you try, in the end you're going to settle at a certain weight unless you're willing to eat like a bird for the rest of your life. And that, to me, is a real bitter pill to swallow. I eat better nowadays than I ever have. My fridge is full of fruit and veggies and I eat plenty of them. I drink zero calorie pop, zero calorie iced tea, 1% milk, light beer (when I decide to partake), and admittedly not enough water, but I've cut out all the juices I used to love, regular pop, Kool-Aid, basically most of the staples you'd find in a normal fridge. You won't find a bag of chips or any other snacking item of its like in my cupboards nor will you find chocolate (at least chocolate that I bought). My snacks are fruit, I don't eat much bread, potato or rice, I eat "good" cereals like Corn Flakes, Special K, All Bran Flakes forsaking my old standards of Fruit Loops, Count Chocula or whatever other junkie cereal I used to love. I buy Splenda instead of sugar. I buy lean cuts of meat and when we cook them, we don't coat them in high calorie sauces. Overall, I'm proud of how I eat and have been doing so for the last 10 months.

I changed up my workout schedule to help ensure I get there. For years, like most people, I went after work. Its not a bad time I suppose, you're still in full working mode so traversing from work to gym is fairly easy providing you don't stop. You may want to go home first, get changed, maybe a bite to eat before heading off but a lot can happen during that period. Some people find it hard to get back up once they've sat down and perhaps had a bite. Your mind realizes you're home and how comfortable you are.

"Surely you don't want to get back up, its so nice here. Let's stay awhile. Maybe you can catch Judge Judy or something on the tube," it might say.

I find the best way is to just go straight away. Bring your gear to work and take off from there. No intermission, no passing GO and collecting $200, no distractions. That's what I used to do. But then my life changed somewhat. Me and Red started living together. Her schedule starts much earlier than mine meaning that she needs to go to bed much earlier. Solution? Get up around the same time and hit the gym first thing in the morning. Shower, shave and off to the salt mines for another day. By 9pm, we're both ready for bed. It takes a bit more effort to get up a couple of hours earlier than I normally would, but at least I'm going 5 days a week. Some weeks I can't make it all 5 days due to an appointment or some other item that has come up but most weeks I do. Yes, I tell myself that I'll make up for it on the weekend by dropping in for an hour on Saturday or Sunday but I know its a lie. Just another one of those lies we tell ourselves to justify the guilt.

And what is it with this guilt? Why do I hate myself for missing the gym one day? Why do I loathe myself when I decide to have that bowl of cereal in the evening instead of another piece of fruit or even a cucumber? Or when I break down and pop some corn or have a couple pieces of Red's chocolate? Is that really such a crime? Do I not deserve to have a taste once in a while? Sometimes I wonder. Seems that everytime I do, I pay a price. I can't have junk around, its an aphrodisiac. It calls to me, lures me in and leaves me feeling horrible like that girlfriend you want so desperately yet you know she'll just break your heart again. And its not like I can just have a taste, it's like a drug, I need more then more. Clearly, portion control isn't part of my lexicon. That's not the way I roll.

Sure, the weight's coming off but its soooo slow. And every indiscretion, every hiccup puts me back a step. When I started getting serious again in September 2007, I was 226lbs. My goal was to be around 190lbs by the summer. That's a loss of 36lbs over 9 months or 4lbs a month. Not a hard goal I think. When I was first dieting and exercising a few years ago and peeling off the weight, I was losing about 10lbs a month. But I was hard core then. Now I'm just soft and fuzzy. Maybe I deserve to be 207lbs.

Gastric Bypass Nightmares Part Deux

2008-07-11T12:03:00.006-04:00

So I arrived at the hospital for prep the day before my surgery and the staff are doing the usual stuff, questionnaires, basic check of my blood pressure, heart rate, etc., final weigh in. My roomie is a nice guy, probably about my age and we had a chance to chat and have a few laughs. Mom and my aunt are out in the waiting area on the surgical floor having a smoke (yes, this was before the no smoking bans took place everywhere) when this tiny asian woman in nursing duds comes into my room rolling one of those metal stands with a rather large bag of clear fluid hanging off it and a hose.
"Mr. Hayes?"
"Yes?"
"I am here to give you an enema."
I have to admit, I was a bit shocked. Nobody had told me I'd be having an enema today. To be honest, I didn't really know what an enema was. I excused myself for a moment and went out to the waiting room.
"They want me to have an enema!" I exclaimed.
My mother, never one to hide how she really feels, exploded in laughter. I turned around and returned to my room.
The asian nursing lady was preparing the enema as I returned.
"So I need you to remove your underwear and lie on your side with your legs bent slightly."
Nervously, I slowly removed my underwear and climbed up into the bed while she pulled the curtain closed.
"Have you ever had an enema?" she asked.
"No."
"Well, I'm going to insert this hose into your rectum and then I'm going to fill your bladder with the solution." she explained in her deep asian accent, "This will clean out your bladder for surgery."
Feeling completely vulnerable, I tried to dispel the tension with some humour,"Really? We just met, I don't even know your name."
Nothing.
"Okay," she continued without missing a beat,"I'm going to put some lube on you, it might be a bit cold."
It was.
"Are you ready?" she asked.
Does it matter, I thought, "Yes, I guess so."
She inserted the hose, it wasn't too bad I suppose, she was gentle. After all, it was my first time.
"Now I'm going to turn on the fluid. Let me know if you feel any discomfort or cramping."
Slowly, I could feel something in my bladder. It was a weird feeling like nothing I had experienced before. Then I felt a slight cramp.
"Ahh," I moaned,"that doesn't feel too good."
She said nothing. In fact, I think she opened up the hose a bit more. The cramping grew. My grunts and groans made it obvious I wasn't comfortable. She never said a word.
Ny roomie was having a consult with a doctor during this time and I heard him ask,"I don't have to have one of those, do I?" I could have sworn I heard the doctor chuckle.
After what seemed like an eternity, she pulled out the hose and declared,"Finished."
"Now what?" I asked.
"When you feel some pressure down there, go to the bathroom immediately." she advised.
That feeling took all of 3 seconds to hit. I literally ran to the bathroom, thank God it was free, and my bowels exploded. I can't remember the last time I moved that quick. Never in my entire life had I had such a satisfying shit, I mean it just poured out of me; years and years of waste that must have been building up inside of me fell out of me. I couldn't have stopped it if I wanted to, the beast had been unleashed.
"Dan," I called out to my roomie,"you have to have one of these. I'm going to recommend you have one of these."
Umm, no thanks," was his meek reply.
I must have been sitting for a while because my legs went to sleep. It was hard to get up. Thank God for the handicap rail. Also, I needed a shower, it was a messy one.
My mother was still giggling after I came back. Then she told me she had had one when she was in labour so she knew what it felt like. I still had that deer in the headlights look in my eyes, sometimes medical science is cruel.

So I was awaken early the next morning to be taken into the O/R. Now I was nervous. Mom was there to see me off, she looked worried. The staff took good care of me as they prepped me in the operating room. They must have seen I was nervous as they tried to be as comforting as possible. Soon they had poked me with a needle and off to sleep I went.

Since I had never been under anesthesia before, I had no idea what to expect. Nausea was expected but never came. I was foggy as all Hell though, completely incoherent. There were people in my room, Mom, my sister, her boyfriend, maybe somebody else but I had no idea what was going on. The nurses decided it was time for me to get on my feet and take a pee. This couldn't have been more than a few hours after major stomach surgery! Since I was still out of it, I didn't protest. They grabbed me by the arms and sat me up. I think they actually got me on my feet and placed a bed pan under my gown so I could pee but I really don't remember that well. It was all flashes of memory. They finished up and layed me back down to rest. That's all I remember from that night.

Of course they were checking on me all through the night so after a few more hours, the anesthesia had worn off and I was finally coherent. At some point during the early dawn, a nurse arrived to change my dressing. This was the first time I saw what they had done to me. It was ugly. A long 6" incision down the middle of my abdomen, it was red and puffy with dried blood around it. But it was the steel staples holding the incision together that drew my attention the most. My stomach looked like Frankenstein's forehead. There had to be a dozen or more of them in a row, it was the weirdest thing I had ever seen. And the sting. When she removed the dressing, I felt a painful sting as the blood peeled away from the incision. Not pleasant. She cleaned me up and redressed it and decided I needed to get up as lying in bed wasn't good for recovering surgery patients. I didn't argue, who was I to know any better? Besides, so far I didn't feel too bad at all, a little weak and tired maybe but overall okay. Or so I thought.

She took me by the arm and started to pull me forward. The pain sliced through me like a hot dagger. I actually cried out in agony. Never in my entire life have I felt pain like that. It was intense, it felt like my stomach was on fire. She tried to be gentle but every little movement sent a crippling pain through my abdomen. I wanted to cry. We went slow, first sitting up, then swinging my legs over the side of the bed, then standing. Oh my God, the standing part was the worst. For the first time since surgery, my abdomen was straightened up, I couldn't maintain it, I had to remain hunched over, the pain was unbearable. You don't realize how much you use your abdominal muscles until they've been cut in half and are basically useless to you. Mercifully, she only kept me up for a minute or so then let me lie down again. It was terrible.

This standing up routine went on a few times a day during my stay. Yes, it got better over the 11 days I was in, but it was slow going. My stomach was so big that gravity was pulling it downward causing much pain when I stood. I had to be really careful how I moved, every motion in bed caused horrible pain. I remember lying in bed one night watching America's Funniest Home Videos, which was new at the time, and laughing so hard that I was actually causing myself more pain. My roomie, who was in for gall bladder removal and having a hard time of it himself, was also watching it in his bed. Plus he was eating nuts that had been given as a gift. His nurse was concerned that he hadn't had a bowel movement since his surgery a couple of days before. He couldn't explain it until she noticed the can of nuts sitting on his night stand.
"Are you eating those?" she asked,"You can't have those, they cause constipation!"
We both started laughing, hard. I was literally in tears from the situation and the searing pain I was suffering, I think he was too. It got so bad they had to separate us for a while because they were becoming concerned one or both of us might pop our stitches, or in my case, staples. Despite the pain, that was a fun night and a great memory.

A dietician had been dispatched to go over my new diet and answer any questions. For the first couple of days, I was fed through intravenus. Then I was given a few sips of water. Fluids followed and finally I was allowed solid food, or about as solid as pureed food gets. Mashed up veggies, fruits, some kind of Pablum I think. Since this was all still so new, I hadn't given food much of a thought since the surgery. That would eventually change. After 11 days I was discharged with a prescription for Tylenol 3 and a followup appointment in 6 weeks.

To be continued.....

It's Gotta Be The Humidity

2008-07-10T12:46:00.005-04:00

It came to my attention the other day that part of my weight gain this week could be due to the terrible humidity that's engulfed the region as of late. Humidity usually triggers some type of reaction from your body besides sweating, it causes you to retain water and bloat. Aside from the minor popcorn infraction Monday night, there was no real reason for me to weigh a pound and a half more on Tuesday morning than I did on Monday considering I ate well that day and hit the gym. Plus, since going on vacation the last week of June, where I did indulge and know I probably put on a couple of pounds, the bloat that is associated with that had melted away fairly quickily upon resuming my normal life. Other than sitting on a patio in the market Sunday afternoon sucking back Stellas (which aren't calorie friendly BTW), I had been good and I figured my true weight was probably 205-206. It was about 202-203 before vacation, when I got on the scale my first day back at work, I was 211. Of course, there's no way I put on 8-9lbs of fat during a week off so I knew about half of it was bloat.

This morning I was back to 207. Maybe this is my true weight currently. Maybe I'm deluded. No, no maybe about it, I am deluded. 207 it is.

Funny thing about vacation time. I tend to let myself take a vacation from the gym and good eating habits too. I don't know why really, its not that hard to eat decently when off from work or even away on a trip. But its something I do every time. I had started really working hard again on losing the extra weight last September and I was doing pretty well. From a start of 226lbs, I was down to about 207lbs by the first of December. Awesome progress I think! But then December hit and Christmas goodies were all about. First at work which was very hard to avoid. Then my sister's Xmas party mid-month where there was a ton of great food including baked goodies which I love. I tried not to overindulge but Hell, it was a Xmas party and you don't see these goodies all year. But every little bit adds up and I knew I had done some damage. Then the actual Xmas holiday began. I was off for the last week of December, a nice gift to the employees my company offers, and we first went home to Kingston for a couple of days then up to Campbells Bay to visit Red's family. There was much food and holiday cheer and both destinations. Add to that I didn't hit the gym during that week and you start to get the picture. After we arrived back home, we still had a couple of days off and we basically threw caution to the wind, which in retrospect was an incredibly dumb thing to do. Poor food choices, no gym and little activity all spelled TROUBLE. No surprise when it was all over I was 217lbs. Super. 2 months of work down the drain.

What was interesting, and frustrating, about this time was that I had been so good before that and suddenly I was having trouble getting back into my routine. I had redeveloped my taste for cookies, chocolate, pizza, and anything else I shouldn't be enjoying regularly. It was very hard resuming my diet and workout routine. I found myself dipping into Red's cookie bag, or the stash of chocolate she keeps in the fridge. I was running out at lunch for a slice or two of pizza instead of just hunkering down with my fruits, salad and soup. It was awful. I felt awful. Still, a few of those pounds came off quick, they were just bloat. But I got stuck at 213lbs. I was getting really frustrated with myself. My mood was getting blacker as my frustration grew.

It wasn't until after Easter that I finally started seeing some progress. Easter was bad, Red had bought a bunch of crap for us and for about a week, I was in chocolate heaven! But after that, I was able to get it together again. I think I lost my taste for it finally. Now I could continue my journey. The weight started to come down again, slowly, until I managed to hit 202. One day I hit 200 but I think I was just dehydrated. So by the end of June I was about 202-203 depending on the day. Six months to fix my Xmas adventure and get to a weight I should have hit in January. Depressing. But at least on the right road again.

Which brings me back to June's vacation. You'd think after all the Hell I'd gone through to fix what I did at Xmas, that I would have been more careful. Well I started out that way. Really I did. We went to Niagara Falls and for the trip, we packed fruits, crackers and Red's cookies. For dinners, there was a Lil Caesars across the street offering a thin $4.99 pizza for takeout so we did that a couple of times, ate at a Ruby Tuesdays once and enjoyed a great pasta meal at some italian restaurant the last day. We did eat breakfast once, at the local Dennys which charged us way more than the usual Dennys would have because it was around the corner from the tourist area at the Falls. (I mean who pays $40 for breakfast for 2??) Besides the beer and wine we drank, we didn't do too badly I thought. Except for the cookies. God I love those things.

So after another somewhat decadent week with no gym activity, I stepped back on the scale to see 211lbs. A couple of days after resuming my diet and workout, I was back to 207lbs. I hate that number. So I gained about 4-5lbs over my vacation. The good news is that I found my resolve again. When I woke up on July 2 to go hit the gym and return to work, I felt motivated. I had no desire for anything unhealthy. My first workout was brisk, I was in the zone. I bounced around work and ate well again. Like I mentioned earlier, aside from my Sunday beerfest in the market and the popcorn incident, I've been good the last week. Weight gain my ass.

Its gotta be the humidity.

Gastric Bypass Nighmares Part One

2008-07-09T10:47:00.005-04:00

Surgery. The final solution. The last resort when all else has failed. A desperate act taken in desperate times. The ultimate answer to winning The Battle. Or is it?

I had just turned 20 when I paid my family physician a visit for a checkup. It had been a few years since my last real checkup and this visit was precipitated by my mother's alarm at my growing size. My mother had always been concerned about my weight, over the years we had gotten family memberships at the gym, she had encouraged me to visit my doctor for referrals to dieticians, holistic practitioners and one doctor in particular who practised hypnosis (guess she heard about this somewhere and thought it might be worth a try). But like most fat people, nothing stuck and I continued to grow wider and managed to find new ways to get food into the house and eat. (One of my favourites was to pick up a pizza, get it home and place it on top of the shed that stood beneath my bedroom window. Once inside, I would pop the screen and grab it. The perfect crime! Of course she knew something was up because there was a mountain of empty pizza boxes sitting on the floor of my bedroom yet she never saw me bring them in). So I had been living away from home for most of the year and when I returned, she was naturally alarmed at how much bigger I must have appeared to her. I never really thought about it, I hadn't stepped on a scale in ages and wasn't paying much attention at that point. She made an appointment with my GP to figure out how we were going to resolve this growing crisis.

First thing we did was record my weight. I could have sworn the poor scale groaned when I stepped on it and would have waved a tiny white flag if it could have. I have to admit, I almost had a heart attack right then and there when the scale read: 318lbs. He sat me down and did the usual routine of checking the rest of my vitals, then it was time to talk. 318 was too much. Way way way too much. At this rate, I'd be dead by 30. Basically he said "you need to lose about a 125lbs or grow 2 feet." I seriously considered how to go about growing the 2 feet. Then he said "there is another option, but its a last resort. I want you to consider all other options before this and try to make one of them work. However, if it doesn't, we can look into this." Then he said it: stomach stapling.

Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery. Basically creating a small pouch out of your stomach using staples and connecting it directly to the small intestine bypassing the lower part of the stomach. This results in the individual only being able to consume about a cup of food at a time and slows the emptying process of the stomach. Sounds great, right? Well, not so fast. This was 1987. Laproscopic surgery hadn't been invented yet. They weren't using lap bands or other less invasive tools and techniques. These guys were doing it the old fashioned way, big cuts that ran from your diaphram to your belly button, big steel staples being clipped into your flesh and then more stitches and staples to close you up again. Not very pretty.

I had never had surgery before and it didn't appeal to me so I said I'd keep it in mind while he hooked me up with yet another dietician. For the next couple of years, I attended a couple of weight loss clinic programs that were being advertised in town, saw dieticians, and basically continued to grow. I had moderate success with the clinic programs but nothing held up. I simply didn't have the will power. Mom had been battling her weight for years too and we did most of it together which was nice. She had much more success than I did with it. Finally in 1990, I had my doctor refer me to the surgeon. Because my weight was a threat to my life, I qualified to have it covered by my provincial health care plan which was fortuitous because it was a pricey procedure and well beyond my means. The surgeon evaluated me, decided I was a good candidate for the procedure and explained the idea behind it. In a nutshell, after showing me a crude drawing of how he planned to mutilate me, he said that I'd only be able to eat about a cup of food and that I will lose weight as a result. Simple eh? Well not exactly.

See, it was what he didn't tell me that was far more important. Now I understand that doctors today offer mental help along with the surgery to help with the huge adjustment this makes in your life. Being able to eat one day and not the next is not something you just accept at face value. For a fat person, its a major lifestyle change that is being forced upon you. Once you go under the knife, that's it. You can't just not "diet" anymore and go back to eating whatever you want whenever you want to. Those days are over. Without some therapy to help you adjust to your new lifestyle, its quite a shock. Plus, when he said I'd only be able to eat a cup of food at a time, he never mentioned not being able to eat certain foods anymore. This is important later on. Essentially, he didn't give me the whole story and not once considered how much of an impact this would have on me psychologically. For that matter, neither did my family doctor.

I was scheduled to go in March 24, 1990. I "celebrated" my impending victory over The Battle with a pizza on March 22 since I had to check into the hospital the next day for prep. I swear it was the best tasting pizza I had ever had. (The Pizza House R.I.P.) On March 23, I was not really nervous as I prepared a bag to take in, I guess the whole thing hadn't hit me yet. Mom and I hopped into the car in the early evening and we headed off to what would become the biggest nightmare I had ever had.

To be continued......

It was the popcorn!

2008-07-08T10:55:00.006-04:00

The Battle, day 15,174
Weight - 208.5lb
Goal - 190lbs
Mood - good

So I get on the scale this morning as first thing in the morning is my usual time to face the music and the scale reads 208.5. Yesterday I was 207. WTF!?!

I had gone over my caloric intake last night taking into account my visit to the gym which was good for burning off about 700 calories. I figure I came in at about 1880 give or take while according to various calorie counters, my body requires anywhere from 2900-3000 per day to maintain my current weight. I came in at a deficit by my calculations. So why is the scale saying I'm a pound and a half heavier???

See, this is why you shouldn't weigh yourself everyday. Your body fluctuates daily, too much salt one day and you're bloated, dehydrated somewhat another day and you're lighter. Have a few beers and BAM! Take a good crap and there could be a couple of pounds lost right there! I've done it! Now normally I don't weigh myself daily, in fact, up until last week I only weighed myself about twice a week. Some medical people who deal in this business suggest throwing your scale away and using your clothes as the determinant of weight or rather size. Others say you should monitor your weight daily to keep a closer eye on it....and in my opinion, reinforce the guilt. The scale is good and bad. It can make you feel so good when you've been working hard and being good but on the flip side, it can be demoralizing causing feelings of despair and a "what's the use?" mentality. Like most, I have a love/hate relationship with my scale.

However, I know what I did yesterday to deserve this. After spending a couple of weeks searching various video stores looking for the first season of OZ (you would not believe how hard it was to find. Only a few stores carried it and the ones that did never had all 3 discs in at the same time. It was maddening), I came across it at the Blockbuster in the mall where my gym is located, go figure. On a lark, and because it was the ony video store in a 10km area we hadn't checked, I wandered in after my workout and voila! There it was. So I picked it up and sat down to enjoy the first episode.

At first, I had grabbed some pineapple, a banana and a pear to munch on but as I sat down, I looked over at Red (*pseudonym) and asked her, "Do you want some popcorn?" Immediately her eyes lit up followed by a very enthusiastic "yes!" See, we used to keep popcorn kernels in the house and once in a while we'd air pop a bowl, throw on some butter for flavour and enjoy. But it had been awhile since we'd done this as we both had lost our taste for it and only recently had we purchased a fresh bag of kernels, at Red's request. I figured since I had been good lately that it wouldn't hurt much. WRONG! After we were done, I was tallying up the calorie count using Google to search the calorie content of butter and air popped popcorn and best we figure it came in at about 1800. Since we both ingested about half the bowl each, there's roughly 900 calories. Sad, very very sad. And most of it was the butter. **Note to self: butter is bad, bad butter, bad!

Anyway, it wasn't the total calories that I think screwed me this morning, it was the butter. Since there's no way I actually gained a pound and a half over one day, I figure the butter caused my body to retain and I'm just bloaty. I'm not too worried about it, I hit the gym first thing this morning and my daily food intake will consist of several pieces of fruit, a salad, a toasted turkey sandwich at lunch, and pork loin with roasted veggies for dinner. I anticipate a change for the better tomorrow morning.

Or a new scale.

In the Beginning....

2008-07-07T13:33:00.002-04:00

I was fat. Well maybe not in the beginning beginning but by about the age of 8 or 9 I was starting to get a little rounder every year, you could actually see it in my school pictures. By the time I was 19 I was a good 320lbs. It only got worse from there. By the time I was 24, I was approximately 370lbs, big stomach, no neck, an eating machine and a prime candidate to just drop dead one day. I was one sad puppy.

Since then, I've had gastric bypass surgery, lost about 90lbs, developed gallstones that resulted in the loss of my gall bladder, discovered some will power finally, dieted and joined a gym I attended religiously, lost another 100lbs as a result, had a tummy tuck that didn't turn out how I had hoped, developed an internal issue stemming from my gastric bypass surgery and lost another 55lbs because of it, had the bypass reversed to save my life, gained about 75lbs back alarmingly quick during my recovery period, gained another 25lbs give or take over the next few months, rediscovered my will to diet and exercise and lost 25 of those pounds and now I'm battling to reach my goal of about 190lbs and remain there.

Everything in the above paragraph happened over a period of 17 years. Quite a roller coaster ride if you ask me. I've been obese, just right, too thin, then just right again, then fat, then.....well you get the picture. Am I any different than most people who've been battling their weight all their lives? Nope. Well maybe a bit because of the surgeries and the life threatening emergency, but for the most part, I'm pretty typical; a lover of food, an emotional eater, hater of the gym, possessor of low self esteem and emotional issues, a wisher that medical science will eventually find a cure for this horrible calamity that plagues so many of us.

So I figured I'd journalize what's going on with me during this battle because it is a battle with no end. I've come to realize over the years that the gym will always be a part of my life, that no matter how much I hate that damn elliptical trainer or the thousands of miles I've logged on a stationary bike, it is a constant I cannot escape. That my body hates weight training and will always break down on me just as I'm making progress thereby stopping any notion I had of having nice pecs or bulging biceps despite my understanding of proper posture and movement when lifting. That my caloric intake must always be minded and that for every indiscretion there must be penance. That due to the abuses to my body over the years it will never look the way I wish it to. That despite my very average appearance in clothes, I will always see myself as a fat guy while others will see me as normal looking. It's as much of a mindgame as a physical one. Both go hand in hand, the body struggling to rise above what the mind is telling it.

Of course, I will delve deeper into my history with The Battle as I write as I think my story is important to share and perhaps someone somewhere might find hope, learn something maybe they didn't know or find a comrade in arms so to speak in their own battle. It is with this that I begin......