Off to Vancouver

Official morning weigh in: 196.5lbs. Up 1 from yesterday but down 1.5 from last week. Onward and downward so to speak!

So as mentioned yesterday, we're off to Vancouver for a wedding. Should be a good time. Not too worried about the diet...or rather....the lifestyle change. After all, with a balanced lifestyle, you're allowed to enjoy things, just in moderation. So here's to enjoying!

Sweet sweet donut

So it's Thursday and this is my last day of work for the week. We are heading out to Vancouver tomorrow for a wedding so I get to enjoy a nice 3 day weekend. Work has been slow as I'm in a course this week and next and its very very dry. I'm not too worried about the weekend foodwise as we did quite well in April when we were there and aside from some food being put out at the wedding and possibly cake, we'll end up just wandering around Vancouver killing time until the ceremony so its all good.

I did jump on the scale today though just out of curiousity and it read 195.5lbs which would be a full 2.5lbs drop from last Friday. I'm not buying this weight as it could just be dehydration or something odd happening, so I'll do my normal weigh in tomorrow and see where I stand. The reason I don't buy it is because I haven't been entirely good this week. I guess for the most part I have but it seems like I've been munching constantly, mostly on grapes and stuff like that, but also on Mini Crispies, crackers and unbelievably, donuts!

Donuts! What the Hell am I thinking? We were sitting there last night after dinner and Red's having cravings. Seems she's had donuts on her mind for a while now (which is weird because she doesn't usually eat them), which leads me to direct her to other snacks we have in the house currently: partially eaten frozen chocolate easter bunny, chocolately Fibre1 bars, fudge she bought a while back, crackers, ice cream and Drumsticks. Nope, nothing seems to work for her although she thanked me for trying to dissuade her. Me, being understanding of cravings and also in a munching mood, suggest we wander over to the Tim Hortons and see what they might have donut wise hoping that at this time of the evening their selection might be poor.

So we head out and walk around the block to the store and lo and behold, they have a nice selection ready. Super. Now I've been wanting donuts too and in this course I'm taking, its catered so there's a selection of baked goods available all day which I've been trying to avoid. I finally broke down yesterday and had a cookie, today was an apple danish, so we ended up buying a 10 pack of Timbits, some type of cream filled donut for her and a double chocolate for me. Again, what the Hell am I thinking!?!

But you know what? I liked it. It was a fantastic donut. But I think I'm done now. And from what I saw on the scale this morning, it didn't hurt me. So maybe I can lighten up a bit? I just wish I could stop munching. Fortunately, most of my munching has been on fruits and crackers, but it would be much better if I just stopped. But we all know that isn't going to happen. At least I'm hitting the gym.

Will try and post quickly tomorrow morning to report this week's official weigh in.

The year in retrospect

Okay, so last week marked the first year anniversary of my return to proper eating and exercising in an attempt to lose weight and settle into a size i'm happy with. Well, it wasn't a return to proper eating per se since I never really ate properly at all....ever. Perhaps better to refer to it as beginning to eat properly and changing bad eating habits forever. As for the gym, it was a return to attending regularly and putting in a decent effort each time which i had gotten away from in recent years.

So when I began this odyssey, I was about 227lbs. After one year, I stand at 198lbs which was my official weight last Friday (I was 196 on Saturday but since that wasn't my official weigh in, I guess it doesn't count). To me, at first look, 29lbs doesn't seem like such a great achievement, not when its not that hard to drop 5-10lbs a month when you're really trying.

But consider this: I dropped quickly during last fall, in fact, by late November I was about 207lbs. But then the Christmas season hit and there were goodies everywhere for the better part of the month...very hard to deal with. It took a while to get used to eating right again, but not before I had gained another 10lbs which I had to lose again. Then factor in Easter. We ended up with more than a few goodies to munch on which led to another disaster, we'll say about 5lbs. There was the trip to Niagara Falls in late June which packed on another 5-7lbs not to mention all the stumbling I suffered with my diet over the year as I learned to deal with giving up or seriously cutting back on the things I love to eat. That was good for another few pounds that needed to be lost again.

And the learning was the hardest part. Even though I decided to do this on my own, no doctor told me to go on a diet for health reasons, Red didn't hassle me about my weight (in fact she loved me as i was even professing to not noticing my bloated belly, God bless her blind soul). In fact, nobody thought I even had a weight problem, or at least they never mentioned it, except me. I was noticing my clothes were getting snug, my belly was protruding, my face rounder and the scale was giving me not so subtle hints that i needed to start taking this seriously again. I made the decision and I stuck with it despite all my kicking and screaming.

One of the biggest changes i made was my movie theatre experience. I'm an avid movie goer and part of my experience is buying the large popcorn and drink combo with extra butter slathered on of course. But after researching the calorie count of this deadly combo, I realized that I simply couldn't do this anymore. One of those large popcorn buckets has about 2000 calories and that's before you add the liquid butter/grease. And the movie chains offer free refills on the large sizes so I was always saddling up to the concession stand for that making for a ridiculously high caloric event. Believe me, this was the biggest issue I had to deal with when I started this. Suddenly going to the movies wasn't as enjoyable as it had been, it felt like part of my experience was missing, and boy did I complain. In fact, I got downright miserable. I know it made Red uncomfortable as I pissed and moaned about not being able to have my popcorn, she even suggested buying a small and not getting the butter on top (how dare she!), but I was inconsolable. That's how strong the association was between the movies and popcorn. I changed things up with rice cakes, fruit, and even nothing at all, but it wasn't the same. I was a good couple of months before I accepted what was and what had to be.

As time went on, I did start to enjoy a pretzel, fries or maybe some M&Ms sometimes, in fact, I've only had popcorn once at the movies in the past year. Not that any of that other stuff is much better, but i don't do it a lot so i think I'm doing well overall considering. But the bitching ended and that's the most important thing as I suspect Red was plotting to smother me in the night if it kept up much longer.

I started to eat lots of fruits and veggies. Gone was the usual pizza on a weekend or other quick take out. In was Subway which is basically the least troublesome choice you can make if you want take out. We normally do this about twice a week, we love Subway. Out was potatoes, rice, bread for most part and heavily sauced meats. We try to keep things light and I think we do a good job of it. Sure, we indulge in a pizza here and there, or ice cream once in a while, but its part of learning moderation and its hard to learn when you've always been an all or nothing type of fatty.

Another big change was getting up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym before work. I'd always gone after work and overall, was pretty good at it. But the last couple of years, I'd gotten lazy and was missing too much. Going in the morning would ensure I'd get my workout in and it had a very practical side, it matched up Red and me's schedules since she works much earlier than I do. This way we'd be tired and ready for bed about the same time...perfect. It does gets hard sometimes when the sun's barely up or its still dark out, but it gives me a jump on the day and after my shower, I'm wide awake and ready to go. So overall, its a good thing.

So getting back to pounds lost, officially it was 29lbs. But unofficially, if you count all the holidays, vacations, and stumbles along the way, it was more like 50. And that makes me realize that despite the small gains here and there, despite those times when it seemed like the scale wasn't moving, I managed to make some real changes and lose a good chunk of weight. And its not just a diet, its a lifestyle change. This is the way I plan to eat the rest of my life. It isn't just some block of time where I'm going to deny myself food and then settle back into old habits once I've lost the desired weight. This is permanent weight loss and a strategy for never having to diet again. I'm still learning that i can have some of my favourite foods, just in moderation. It hasn't been an easy journey so far, but I'm coming along. I'm hoping to meet my goal of 185lbs by Christmas. After that, I'll see what else I think I need to do. But I think 185 is a good weight for me. And I will make it. You'll see.

Back....finally

Wow! Seems like forever since I wrote anything and I guess in the context of blogging, it has been. I was on vacation last week and just didn't get to it. This week I've been busy as all hell at work and the evenings have been time to unwind so there really hasn't been time. Biggest problem is that i usually write while at work since most of the time, I have spare time, but that is going to change as this week has been a write off (pardon the pun), and I'm in courses the next 2 weeks. So I'll have to sit down in the evenings and write when the mood strikes me. And that's much of the problem lately, my mood.

The last few months have been a haze of anti-depression medication as I try to find something to stabilize the serotonin levels in my brain and even me out. I've always been depressive and was on something a few years ago that helped quite a bit but went off it due to costs at the time. I returned to the same meds recently, but this time, while working wonderfully, they produced a few unpleasant side effects which I simply could not live with and since then, I've been trying to find something that will work just as well without all the complications. And so far, nada. So I've decided to just try and deal with my moods in other ways. What those other ways are, I have no idea yet. I'll tell you this much, having to deal with depression at the same time I'm dealing with diet is no party. But then again, this has been my whole life.

This morning I did my Friday weigh in and was sitting at 198lbs. I can live with that as usually when I'm on holiday, I tend to gain at least 5lbs. This time I managed to only gain a couple as I did step on the scale Monday and weighed 199lbs. So my week back at the gym and work managed to burn off a pound. I expect next week to yield similar results and i hope to come in about 196-197lbs.

I'll be back either later or over the weekend with some stuff i've been thinking about.

Vacation mid week

So its Wednesday already and I'm not quite halfway through my holidays. My concerns the other day about blowing my diet have not come to pass as yet and I'm relieved. I jumped on the scale this morning for a quick check and I was 196.5 which is actually a pound lighter than Friday so despite what I thought were a few indulgences so far, I'm fine. I did go to the gym on Monday, I missed yesterday because we were in Montreal for the day but I got some exercise walking around for a good 4-5 hours which was nice and we're going to a zip line park today for some hiking, climbing and zip line fun. Depending on how I feel when we get back, I may hit the gym otherwise I'll wait until tomorrow.

Have to keep this short and sweet but needed to check in. I'll try and be back with more later or tomorrow.

Vacation Time or Can I Not Screw Myself This Time

Stepped on the scale this morning for the official weekly weigh in and I'm now 197.5lbs. That's 2 down from last week so I'm happy about that. Makes all the sacrificing and time at the gym feel worth it. I'm on holidays next week so the big challenge will be to not repeat my past holiday performances and gain 5lbs thereby forcing me to spend the next month fixing that mistake too. I plan on going to the gym and watching what I eat as per usual but then again, that's usually the plan too. So we'll see.

I'm pretty happy with the progress the last few weeks overall. About a month ago, I weighed in at 203lbs so I'm down a good 6lbs since. I can't argue with that although it seems like its been slower than that. Guess that's what happens when you are constantly monitoring yourself. I'm just glad to be clear of the 200lbs threshold. 200 has been a major source of contention for me for years; it seemed like cracking that number was virtually impossible during my college years. It took graduating and getting into a physical job full time to peel off those extra few pounds. But since moving into a deskjob, its been harder to stay below 200. Sitting burns virtually no calories.

What's going to make the coming days even more challenging is the fact that my personal life is in chaos right now. I've been dealing with a couple of stressful situations for a while now and thankfully I've been able to not lose my drive although at times I've felt like it. But a new situation has arisen in the past couple of days and to be honest, I'm pretty upset. Right now, I don't feel like eating, which is good, but who knows how I'm going to feel later today or even this weekend. I've always been an emotional eater but perhaps my focus is too strong to allow this current problem to derail me, or at least that's the hope. The gym has never been an adequate stress reliever for me unlike some people but its a place to escape for a couple of hours. I'll need it.

Hating the Gym

I hate the gym. Loathe would be a good word to describe it. I don't know exactly what it is about the gym that I hate so much, but having to get up early and go doesn't make me a happy camper. This morning I barely made it through my workout. Yesterday I only did 2/3 of it. Usually on Monday, I'm ready to get back to it after taking the weekend off, but this week, I just don't have it. I climb on the elliptical and can barely make a decent pace without exerting a tremendous amount of effort as if I was out of gas and running on fumes. If this was something that was fairly new I would pass it off as burnout and figure I just needed a break from it. But it's happening more often than I'd like and its been this way for a few years.

When I first started going to the gym regularly about 8 or so years ago, I was like a machine. I looked forward to getting out there on the floor and pounding the weights, enjoying the burn and the sweat. Same went for the cardio, I had no problem climbing onto the elliptical and spending 45 or sometimes 60 minutes sweating off the pounds. It seemed easy.

But the last few years? Forget about it. I have my moments where I'm focused and ready to go but they only seem to last 2-4 weeks before I lose my momentum and start dreading my visits again. Like this last time, after taking a week off at the end of June for vacation, I found my desire had returned. I felt energized and goal oriented and the morning visits to the gym felt good. I jumped out of bed and headed out with a good attitude and a head full of steam. I had changed up some of the music on my MP3 player as much of what I had been listening to seemed to be old and dull as happens when you are listening to the same tracks day after day, week after week, month after month and so on. But sure enough, by the end of July, I was feeling lethargic at the gym and finding it hard to get motivated. I still went but it wasn't uncommon for me to shorten things up or cut other things out altogether. The result? A workout that while still a workout, was not burning as many calories and feeding my guilt about my lack of effort.

See, that's the thing with my relationship with the gym; its based on guilt. If I go, I'm miserable until its over but then I'm glad I went. If I miss a visit, I'm consumed by guilt and thinking I should pay a visit in the evening to make up for it. If I go and do less than my full workout, I feel guilty and hate myself for everything I stick in my mouth that day. Its a vicious cycle. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just go and do less and be happy that at least I went? After all, that's what a personal trainer would tell you. You don't just not go, you go and do the things you enjoy and then leave.

But what if you don't enjoy any of your workout? I mean I don't hate riding a stationary bike, at least it gives me a chance to read my Macleans, but if I only did that for a half hour or so, I wouldn't burn too many calories. The elliptical? What's to love there? Cardio has to be the most mind numbing thing next to watching paint dry. You're indoors so there's no view except for the TV that you can't hear. And it isn't tuned to a certain radio frequency so you can hear it if you wanted to unlike most other gyms I've attended! (Solution? Change gyms but I have an MP3 player and I don't know if I could tune in the frequency even if it was available. And my gym is really convenient for me). Music helps a lot but once you've reached that point where you've heard all the songs on your system a thousand times, you start flipping past some songs hoping to hear something you haven't in a couple of days. And finding music to replace it? Very hard after a while. I'm always trying to think of songs I'd like to have playing but after several years amassing my collection of tunes, the well is running dry.

I don't lift weights anymore, I want to again in the future, but when I did and when I do again, it'll be a lonely activity. I don't have a lifting partner, someone who motivates you, pushes you and works alongside you. I don't know how much of an effect this really has on people but having someone else to do anything is always better than doing it alone. And when it comes to working out, you need someone who can push you otherwise you become lazy and complacent. And, my body hates lifting weights. It starts out okay, I work within my limits to get the muscles used to lifting again but once I start adding weight to push myself, inevitably something bad happens. My shoulder goes out, or something in my back pulls. It never fails. And I understand about proper lifting, its not like I'm making these rookie mistakes that are costing me in pain. I just don't have a builder's body. I could start lifting again and just be modest with the weights but my goal currently is to lose fat before I start building muscle so carido is the route I need to go. And I really need the calorie burn which you don't get from lifting weights. I know that I'll lose muscle mass as well if I'm not lifting but I'm so fixated on that stupid scale that I dare not lift weights for fear of seeing it hit 200lbs again.

So what to do? I keep telling myself to just suck it up knowing that while I'll loathe that hour and a half I spend there, I'll be happy I went. I just see that damn place as a prison and me with a life sentence. I'm not gifted with a high metabolism and I put on weight so easily its criminal. And its not an age thing, I've never been able to eat without gaining absurd amounts of weight. Even now with my healthier approach to eating, I'm still prone to gaining. It isn't fair. I go 5 times a week just to feel like I'm accomplishing anything. Experts recommend getting 3-5 days of exercise a week. I wish I could do just 3. But it just isn't in the cards. So I'll keep on keeping on, rolling out of bed early before work and stumbling into a near empty gym to sweat my ass off for those 70 minutes of cardio Hell.

Why won't someone just invent a damn pill already!?!