202.5lbs. I'm all over the place this week. 203 last Friday, 205 Wednesday, now 202. It would appear I have no idea just what my actual weight is, but since Friday is official weigh in day, I have to take 202. In the scheme of things, it's probably about right. I know I'm over 200, have been for about a month now. I know I'm not 205, that was probably bloat. I'm probably about 202-203 which is where I've been for the past 2 weeks.
So the last two days have been fine, snacking has been reduced to fruit and a few crackers. I've been good at lunch, no sandwich purchases, so I think that's helping. What I noticed though, is the larger presence of bread in my diet the last while. When I was losing and doing well, bread wasn't part of the equation. Sure, we did Subway twice a week, but that was essentially it. Little rice, little potato, and basically no bread. The last few weeks? Bread, bread, bread! We did pizza a few times which is a killer on so many levels, lasagna one night which involved a loaf of fresh baked bread which I ate most of (god it was good), I made pancakes for breakfast one morning (bad combination of a bread product and maple syrup), pizza slices regularly during lunch or when we would be out, and those sandwiches I was buying at work for lunch. Add it all up and you get a lot of bread. And you know they say that bread is bad. Well, I believe that whole heartedly.
And it's a shame because I love bread. It's the basis for so many meals, it goes with just about everything and if it's missing from the table, it just feels wrong. When we do splurge and buy a loaf of fresh baked goodness, it goes quickly. Red has more willpower than me, she'll indulge but nothing like I do. That's why i don't buy it. I try not to have buns in the house, too easy to make sandwiches. We keep a a loaf of bread in the freezer just in case so that tends to last a while, but fresh baked bread? It doesn't stand a chance.
I think if i can keep my bread intake down to a minimum like before, I'll be fine again. The chocolate thing, while still there, is waning. I still want it, but after I've had it, I don't feel that sense of satisfaction and, in fact, I feel sick. I just don't enjoy it. So why go there then? I don't know! Why do any of us do things that only hurt us? Red made a comment that we fetishize food. She's right. I think all fatties do it. Its the one thing you can count on, it's always there and it makes you feel better, at least while you're eating it. I won't mention the guilt, the self loathing that comes after. It's our best friend, our confidante, our lover. It'll never cheat on you, nor will it ever let you down. It's the perfect companion, except for the fact that it makes you fat and inspires bitterness and shame in you.
This weekend is Thanksgiving. We're going to Red's parent's house. There'll be turkey, potatoes, some type of veggie, bread, gravy and god knows what else her mother conjures up. I'm told there'll be pie, pumpkin pie this year, among others. Last year she didn't make a pumpkin pie, I'm still bitter about that. Who has Thanksgiving dinner without pumpkin pie? Its like not cooking a turkey. All I have to say is there had better be pumpkin pie this year or I cannot be responsible for what may happen. I do realize that demanding pumpkin pie is ridiculous considering how much bitching I've been doing the past month about my weight and that I'd be better off without it, but its Thanksgiving. And you can't have Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie. I won't stand for it.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Mid week shock
Okay, so it's Wednesday and while I'd like to say things are under control again, they truly aren't. While I have managed to cut back on snacking on most bad things, I'm still snacking on some bad things. Take last night for instance. Got home from work and had some grapes while waiting for dinner. Dinner was steak and roasted veggies so that was good. Then I had a few more grapes. I can't begin to tell you how many grapes I've devoured in the past 2 weeks. Seems like we're at the store buying big bags of grapes every 3 or 4 days. And we don't just buy a couple of bunches, we fill one or two of those plastic bags the store provides for veggies and fruits. So that's a lot of grapes!
So after dinner, we decide to go for a walk, good idea since walking seems to have fallen off our list of activities in recent weeks. We're gone for more than an hour and when we return, we plop down in front of the tube with some pineapple and yes, even more grapes. But I've still got the munchies. I've been like this for a few weeks now and its insane. First, its a few Crispie Minis, then I'm munching on some Ritz crackers with peanut butter. Then a couple of squares from a chocolate bar in the fridge. Then more grapes. Monday night was similar, sitting in front of the TV eating grapes, apples, chocolate, crackers. I know it could be worse, I mean it could be a bag of chips or something else, but its all extra calories I can't afford.
At work I'm not only eating my fruit and salad, I've been ordering sandwiches from the cafeteria. Usually a turkey sandwich, but yesterday I ordered a club. And God it was good. So tack on another 400-800 calories a day in addition to everything else. And the end result? This morning I weighed 205. Yep, that's 2 more pounds since Friday. How is that at all possible?
Well, I don't think its all fat, a couple pounds are probably just bloat, but I'm still well over 200lbs. And that after all the work I did to get to 196 just a month ago. I know it seems small when you consider there are a lot of people who are 40, 50, 75 or more pounds overweight and who would love to trade places with someone who is only about 20lbs overweight currently, but when you're bigger, you don't notice an extra 5 or 10lbs. I never did when I was huge, I could lose 25lbs and not see any difference. But when you're close to your normal weight, you see every extra pound.
I actually felt thinner when I got below 200. My belly was flatter, the roundness that defined it for so many years was basically gone. Sure I still wouldn't walk around without a shirt on as I'm flabby as all Hell, but overall, I was pretty average looking. Now, my belly is back, my face is rounder and I look fat. Everytime I take my shirt off at night and look in that big mirror on the dresser in the bedroom, I cringe. I actually feel sick. Then I feel bad; the guilt sets in. I really wanted to look thinner for our engagment photos that are being taken this weekend, but I guess that won't happen. Its not that I didn't want it, I just can't seem to get it together.
I've been using stress as the biggest reason for this lack of discipline, but the truth is: I'm sick of counting calories. I'm sick of worrying about what i've eaten during the day and how many calories I have left to use. I try and eat snacks that won't burn me on the scale but even fruit has calories. I usually bring a banana, 3 apples and one of those bagged salads to work. Sometimes I bring an extra banana if they are starting to over ripen and we have too many left. But still, that's about 300-420 or so calories of just fruit during work hours. Add in the bag of salad and low calorie dressing and there's another 100-200 calories. Sometimes, I drop a couple of quarters in the candy machine and have some M&Ms. Add in the odd sandwich I might buy from the cafeteria and I'm at about 1000-1200 calories before dinner. But usually its just the fruit and salad; in truth, I rarely buy a sandwich.
But lately, I have bought the sandwich. I did Monday and Tuesday and once or twice last week I think. Some days, I've found myself craving a slice of pizza so off to the shop I go to get a slice or two. That's in addition to the fruit and salad. I think I bought the sandwiches this week because it was the better choice than devouring a slice or two of pizza. But its still off the norm for me and adding another 400-800 calories to my day, not too mention the constant munching at night.
I don't feel right, haven't in a few weeks. My mind is cluttered with things: worry, stress, whatever. Putting on weight is just one more cause for concern. I really wanted to take this fall and lose what I needed to, to get me ready for the Xmas season. But its almost mid-October and I'm falling behind. They gym has become a major chore and work is just painful. I'm spending most of my time doing things I hate with little reward at the end. My mood has brightened somewhat from where it was a week ago, but I can't honestly say I'm happy. Guess that's the story of my life though: never happy. Much of it is work related but i can't seem to find my way there.
After seeing my weight this morning, I was in shock. So what did I do? I went to the gym, as per usual, then only did 2/3 of my workout. Partly because my legs are sore from dance practice and partly because I'm bored as Hell at the gym and don't want to be there. Some new music for my MP3 player might help but I can't seem to find anything new I want. I'm so sick of the same songs. But on the plus side, I don't want to order a sandwich today nor do i want a pizza slice. No, that's a lie. I DO want a pizza slice, I just won't buy one. As for tonight? Well, its volleyball night so that means probably munching for dinner, perhaps Subway, who knows? I've just got to get a handle on my snacking. It's my mindset I can't seem to sort out. I hate the doldrums.....
So after dinner, we decide to go for a walk, good idea since walking seems to have fallen off our list of activities in recent weeks. We're gone for more than an hour and when we return, we plop down in front of the tube with some pineapple and yes, even more grapes. But I've still got the munchies. I've been like this for a few weeks now and its insane. First, its a few Crispie Minis, then I'm munching on some Ritz crackers with peanut butter. Then a couple of squares from a chocolate bar in the fridge. Then more grapes. Monday night was similar, sitting in front of the TV eating grapes, apples, chocolate, crackers. I know it could be worse, I mean it could be a bag of chips or something else, but its all extra calories I can't afford.
At work I'm not only eating my fruit and salad, I've been ordering sandwiches from the cafeteria. Usually a turkey sandwich, but yesterday I ordered a club. And God it was good. So tack on another 400-800 calories a day in addition to everything else. And the end result? This morning I weighed 205. Yep, that's 2 more pounds since Friday. How is that at all possible?
Well, I don't think its all fat, a couple pounds are probably just bloat, but I'm still well over 200lbs. And that after all the work I did to get to 196 just a month ago. I know it seems small when you consider there are a lot of people who are 40, 50, 75 or more pounds overweight and who would love to trade places with someone who is only about 20lbs overweight currently, but when you're bigger, you don't notice an extra 5 or 10lbs. I never did when I was huge, I could lose 25lbs and not see any difference. But when you're close to your normal weight, you see every extra pound.
I actually felt thinner when I got below 200. My belly was flatter, the roundness that defined it for so many years was basically gone. Sure I still wouldn't walk around without a shirt on as I'm flabby as all Hell, but overall, I was pretty average looking. Now, my belly is back, my face is rounder and I look fat. Everytime I take my shirt off at night and look in that big mirror on the dresser in the bedroom, I cringe. I actually feel sick. Then I feel bad; the guilt sets in. I really wanted to look thinner for our engagment photos that are being taken this weekend, but I guess that won't happen. Its not that I didn't want it, I just can't seem to get it together.
I've been using stress as the biggest reason for this lack of discipline, but the truth is: I'm sick of counting calories. I'm sick of worrying about what i've eaten during the day and how many calories I have left to use. I try and eat snacks that won't burn me on the scale but even fruit has calories. I usually bring a banana, 3 apples and one of those bagged salads to work. Sometimes I bring an extra banana if they are starting to over ripen and we have too many left. But still, that's about 300-420 or so calories of just fruit during work hours. Add in the bag of salad and low calorie dressing and there's another 100-200 calories. Sometimes, I drop a couple of quarters in the candy machine and have some M&Ms. Add in the odd sandwich I might buy from the cafeteria and I'm at about 1000-1200 calories before dinner. But usually its just the fruit and salad; in truth, I rarely buy a sandwich.
But lately, I have bought the sandwich. I did Monday and Tuesday and once or twice last week I think. Some days, I've found myself craving a slice of pizza so off to the shop I go to get a slice or two. That's in addition to the fruit and salad. I think I bought the sandwiches this week because it was the better choice than devouring a slice or two of pizza. But its still off the norm for me and adding another 400-800 calories to my day, not too mention the constant munching at night.
I don't feel right, haven't in a few weeks. My mind is cluttered with things: worry, stress, whatever. Putting on weight is just one more cause for concern. I really wanted to take this fall and lose what I needed to, to get me ready for the Xmas season. But its almost mid-October and I'm falling behind. They gym has become a major chore and work is just painful. I'm spending most of my time doing things I hate with little reward at the end. My mood has brightened somewhat from where it was a week ago, but I can't honestly say I'm happy. Guess that's the story of my life though: never happy. Much of it is work related but i can't seem to find my way there.
After seeing my weight this morning, I was in shock. So what did I do? I went to the gym, as per usual, then only did 2/3 of my workout. Partly because my legs are sore from dance practice and partly because I'm bored as Hell at the gym and don't want to be there. Some new music for my MP3 player might help but I can't seem to find anything new I want. I'm so sick of the same songs. But on the plus side, I don't want to order a sandwich today nor do i want a pizza slice. No, that's a lie. I DO want a pizza slice, I just won't buy one. As for tonight? Well, its volleyball night so that means probably munching for dinner, perhaps Subway, who knows? I've just got to get a handle on my snacking. It's my mindset I can't seem to sort out. I hate the doldrums.....
Friday, October 3, 2008
Blah
203lbs. Same as last week. Yesterday was 201lbs. So who knows? Either way, I'm still over 200 again and struggling to get it together although I've managed to cut out the chocolate and shit over the last couple of days. Probably didn't help that I munched on some cheese and crackers while watching the VP debate last night, had a bowl of cereal I can't honestly say I was hungry for just before bed, and that I didn't go to the gym yesterday either. I know exactly what my problem is, I just haven't gotten it sorted out yet.
Its been cold lately so taking in a lunchtime walk has been hard, plus we haven't been taking our evening walks lately either. Volleyball has restarted so that offers some activity during Wednesday nights and we enrolled in a Rock 'n' Jive dance class on Thursday evenings, so we're getting out and moving a bit, but I'm out of gas. Mentally, physically, I've got nothing. My head aches with a steady dull pain that won't disipate and I want to jam dull pencils into the skulls of just about everyone at work. For some reason, the word "Jerkhole" keeps coming to mind when talking to people.
On the plus side, hmmmm....well, dancing is fun. We're liking this jive dancing stuff and we're learning. Soon, we'll be smooth as ice, if one of us doesn't trip the other one up first! I can't dance, never have been able to. Its mostly because growing up as a fat guy, I never wanted to draw any kind of embarrassing attention to myself, so letting myself go and moving about on a dance floor never appealed to me. I'm stiff and awkward and have basically no rhythmn despite being a drummer for years earlier. Yet, our instructor, a nice eastern european sounding lady, came up to us during the lesson and asked if I had taken dance in the past. Me? Captain Clumsy? I think not. And I don't think I'm capable of faking it that well to be mistaken as a dancer by someone who knows how to dance. I'm still scratching my head over that one.
The weekend looks quiet overall. We need to mow the lawn one last time (if we're lucky) and we really need to fix the incline behind the house before the snow falls. Maybe I'll look into that as a job. I think we'll see a movie tonight, its been a couple of weeks since we've been, due to the horrid offerings as of late. And the last 2 we saw were awful. I haven't decided what I'm going to do snackwise while there; since i gave up the popcorn last year, I've been all over the place, bringing fruit, rice cakes, candy bars. Sometimes we've gotten fries or pretzels but the goal is to not snack at all. But boy it's hard. The popcorn smell is intoxicating, but anymore its the chocolate cravings and the pretzels that sink me. We'll see what happens....
Its been cold lately so taking in a lunchtime walk has been hard, plus we haven't been taking our evening walks lately either. Volleyball has restarted so that offers some activity during Wednesday nights and we enrolled in a Rock 'n' Jive dance class on Thursday evenings, so we're getting out and moving a bit, but I'm out of gas. Mentally, physically, I've got nothing. My head aches with a steady dull pain that won't disipate and I want to jam dull pencils into the skulls of just about everyone at work. For some reason, the word "Jerkhole" keeps coming to mind when talking to people.
On the plus side, hmmmm....well, dancing is fun. We're liking this jive dancing stuff and we're learning. Soon, we'll be smooth as ice, if one of us doesn't trip the other one up first! I can't dance, never have been able to. Its mostly because growing up as a fat guy, I never wanted to draw any kind of embarrassing attention to myself, so letting myself go and moving about on a dance floor never appealed to me. I'm stiff and awkward and have basically no rhythmn despite being a drummer for years earlier. Yet, our instructor, a nice eastern european sounding lady, came up to us during the lesson and asked if I had taken dance in the past. Me? Captain Clumsy? I think not. And I don't think I'm capable of faking it that well to be mistaken as a dancer by someone who knows how to dance. I'm still scratching my head over that one.
The weekend looks quiet overall. We need to mow the lawn one last time (if we're lucky) and we really need to fix the incline behind the house before the snow falls. Maybe I'll look into that as a job. I think we'll see a movie tonight, its been a couple of weeks since we've been, due to the horrid offerings as of late. And the last 2 we saw were awful. I haven't decided what I'm going to do snackwise while there; since i gave up the popcorn last year, I've been all over the place, bringing fruit, rice cakes, candy bars. Sometimes we've gotten fries or pretzels but the goal is to not snack at all. But boy it's hard. The popcorn smell is intoxicating, but anymore its the chocolate cravings and the pretzels that sink me. We'll see what happens....
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
When it rains, it pours
The bleeding hasn't ended yet. This morning, another surprise...or not: 203lbs. I don't know what's going on with me but the munching is out of control and the weight is rising. Sure, I'm still munching on fruit and such, but I'm also slipping in chocolate, ice cream and Fibre1 bars. Needless to say, I'm not happy and my mood is getting darker by the day. I know its stress but that's no excuse. I've got to get it together now! But I've got no gas in the tank at the gym and the diet is crumbling. I hate my life.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Stress
Whoops! Missed Friday's post. I've become quite erratic when blogging here these last few weeks but to be honest, I've been busier and the stress has been building which I think is what has been affecting my eating habits.
My job is changing for one. I'm still at the same job but my duties are changing and I'm feeling very anxious about the future. I'm moving into a more technical role at my workplace and I don't know if I've got what it takes to succeed. I've taken a couple of courses offered internally to prepare myself and I found them beyond my skill set which didn't make me feel any better. Now that I've finished them, I'm expected to start moving into this new role at a time when our company is rushing to the finish line of delivering a new product. Everyone is working harder and nobody has the time to explain things to a newbie so I'm basically on my own until things settle down and people have more time. Also, it doesn't help that I hate my job anyway and need to get out of here before I lose my mind completely. The only real hope I have right now is that I finally, after a process that took over a year to complete, qualifed for a pool with the Federal Gov't for a job so I'm waiting to see if I get plucked out of that and get offered something with them. God I hope the wait isn't much longer.
More stress was added this past week when the photographer we hired to do our wedding photos went missing in action. We had booked our engagement photos for Sunday but wanted to change the location of them and sent him an email which went unanswered. Then Red called and left a message which also went unanswered. Another phone call was made on Sunday, again no reply, so we dutifully showed up at the original location to find ourselves waiting in vain for our missing photog. Not a good situation. So now we don't know what is going on with him and I've sent along another email and we'll call again later today. To say we're worried would be an understatement. There's a couple of personal issues going on too, one involving my long lost son, that I'm trying to deal with.
So add that to the fact that I can't seem to get my diet and exercise routine back on track, and you can see how I'm struggling currently. Thing is, Red's in the same mood foodwise. We're both somewhat out of control although I'm admittedly moreso. I'm still going to the gym, but I've got no gas in the tank. My workouts are long and hard; there's no steam in my stride. I probably need to change things up, God knows I've been doing the same thing for years. But my shoulder is still sore so lifting weights is out for now. And I really want to drop some more weight before I add weight by building muscle. I know it'll balance out in the end, but I need to see a lower number on that scale before I purposely raise it which is what will happen almost immediately. If only some of this stress would clear up, I'd feel better. Mostly in the job area.
BTW, I did hop on the scale Friday; it read 201.5lbs. So much for beating 200. I need to get my shit together.
My job is changing for one. I'm still at the same job but my duties are changing and I'm feeling very anxious about the future. I'm moving into a more technical role at my workplace and I don't know if I've got what it takes to succeed. I've taken a couple of courses offered internally to prepare myself and I found them beyond my skill set which didn't make me feel any better. Now that I've finished them, I'm expected to start moving into this new role at a time when our company is rushing to the finish line of delivering a new product. Everyone is working harder and nobody has the time to explain things to a newbie so I'm basically on my own until things settle down and people have more time. Also, it doesn't help that I hate my job anyway and need to get out of here before I lose my mind completely. The only real hope I have right now is that I finally, after a process that took over a year to complete, qualifed for a pool with the Federal Gov't for a job so I'm waiting to see if I get plucked out of that and get offered something with them. God I hope the wait isn't much longer.
More stress was added this past week when the photographer we hired to do our wedding photos went missing in action. We had booked our engagement photos for Sunday but wanted to change the location of them and sent him an email which went unanswered. Then Red called and left a message which also went unanswered. Another phone call was made on Sunday, again no reply, so we dutifully showed up at the original location to find ourselves waiting in vain for our missing photog. Not a good situation. So now we don't know what is going on with him and I've sent along another email and we'll call again later today. To say we're worried would be an understatement. There's a couple of personal issues going on too, one involving my long lost son, that I'm trying to deal with.
So add that to the fact that I can't seem to get my diet and exercise routine back on track, and you can see how I'm struggling currently. Thing is, Red's in the same mood foodwise. We're both somewhat out of control although I'm admittedly moreso. I'm still going to the gym, but I've got no gas in the tank. My workouts are long and hard; there's no steam in my stride. I probably need to change things up, God knows I've been doing the same thing for years. But my shoulder is still sore so lifting weights is out for now. And I really want to drop some more weight before I add weight by building muscle. I know it'll balance out in the end, but I need to see a lower number on that scale before I purposely raise it which is what will happen almost immediately. If only some of this stress would clear up, I'd feel better. Mostly in the job area.
BTW, I did hop on the scale Friday; it read 201.5lbs. So much for beating 200. I need to get my shit together.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Falling Down
It's Tuesday and my life appears to be back to normal professionally speaking. I spent two long weeks on course for my job teased by a tray of delicious desserts that rested on a table only 3 feet from my seat. Did I cave? Sure I did but not badly. But the whole week was out of whack and the weekend wasn't much better.
Then yesterday the hot water tank gave up the ghost so i volunteered to stay at home for the day and await the arrival of the serviceman. This, of course, is not a good plan for someone who munches out of boredom, so staying at home for the day alone isn't going to produce a good result. By mid-morning, I had enjoyed a big bowl of cereal with banana, some mini-crisps, an apple, a Wunderbar I bought on Sunday, some grapes, pineapple and strawberries. Add a couple slices of toast with peanut butter and you can see where this was going. The serviceman showed up shortly after 11 and was gone before noon leaving me the choice of heading off to work for the afternoon or continuing to enjoy an extra day off. I chose the latter. But not before deciding I needed to get out of the house for my own sake.
Later, when I got home, I enjoyed a dinner of leftover chicken breast with mushroom soup, roasted veggies and a pork chop brought home from the birthday party Saturday. The evening brought more mini crisps, grapes, pineapple and a couple of Fibre1 bars. I don't know if I missed anything here.
So, as you can see, I'm a bit out of control. I did, however, make it to the gym first thing yesterday and today so that's a good thing. I figure that since I'm back to normal here at work that things will be fine from here on out. I look fatter though, my belly is a little rounder the last week and somewhat solid. I'm a bit worried about that, and I'm not getting on the scale just yet. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of what I might see.
Then yesterday the hot water tank gave up the ghost so i volunteered to stay at home for the day and await the arrival of the serviceman. This, of course, is not a good plan for someone who munches out of boredom, so staying at home for the day alone isn't going to produce a good result. By mid-morning, I had enjoyed a big bowl of cereal with banana, some mini-crisps, an apple, a Wunderbar I bought on Sunday, some grapes, pineapple and strawberries. Add a couple slices of toast with peanut butter and you can see where this was going. The serviceman showed up shortly after 11 and was gone before noon leaving me the choice of heading off to work for the afternoon or continuing to enjoy an extra day off. I chose the latter. But not before deciding I needed to get out of the house for my own sake.
Later, when I got home, I enjoyed a dinner of leftover chicken breast with mushroom soup, roasted veggies and a pork chop brought home from the birthday party Saturday. The evening brought more mini crisps, grapes, pineapple and a couple of Fibre1 bars. I don't know if I missed anything here.
So, as you can see, I'm a bit out of control. I did, however, make it to the gym first thing yesterday and today so that's a good thing. I figure that since I'm back to normal here at work that things will be fine from here on out. I look fatter though, my belly is a little rounder the last week and somewhat solid. I'm a bit worried about that, and I'm not getting on the scale just yet. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of what I might see.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Holy Hell, it's been a bad week
199.5lbs. Yep, that's right, 3 extra pounds this week. Guess it's better than the 5 extra pounds I've been seeing all week, but still, its a gain and a shame. I really wasn't worried about Vancouver last weekend as the last time we went, I was fine. But this time was different. This time we were on our own for most of it, well, all of it really. Last time, we stayed with our hosts for the weekend so we only really ate during mealtime. And we walked all over downtown Vancouver which is quite large. This time, we walked, but we also sat down for beers at a patio, stopped for pizza slices a couple of times, ate chocolate bars, drank more beer and rum, enjoyed a buffet at the wedding which included deep fried foods, ate donuts and it didn't stop when we got home Sunday night.
Feeling hungry for dinner, we stopped for a pizza. Then the week began. I'm in a course this week and its catered so there's a tray of muffins, donuts, cookies and such in the room all day. And yes, I've eaten a donut and a cookie, or two, or three. Why? I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does seafood stink to high Heaven? Its not like I haven't brought my usual fruit and salad for the day. I've just been in a weird mood lately where food is concerned. And Red is feeling the same. So we're both sitting there during the evening munching. Sure, we're munching on grapes and pineapple as per usual, but we're also eating cookies, licorice and mini crisps.
And that's not all: I missed the gym Monday and Thursday. Monday I can excuse, we didn't sleep much in Vancouver so by Sunday night, we were exhausted and grabbing an extra hour and a half in bed was necessary. But Thursday, I was just plain lazy. The alarm went off and I just lied there. Red was up getting ready but I just didn't want to. So I stayed in bed the extra 1 1/2hr. Don't even talk to me about the guilt. Plus, on Wednesday, I only did 2/3 of my routine, so overall, it's been a horrid week. I did jump on the scale just out of morbid curiousity Wednesday morning, hoping the damage wasn't too bad and was shocked to see 201.5lbs. Five pounds!?! How in Hell did that happen!?! Fortunately Red was up too which made me feel a bit better. She even tried to blame flying on having an effect on your body, she was kidding of course. The sad part of it all was that instead of strengthening my resolve, I went into the gym and put in a half hearted effort. Then I had a donut at the course.
But for some reason, I'm not feeling too bad about it. Maybe its because I know its only a blip and that I'll take it off again. It sucks taking a step or two backwards but I guess its part of life. I'm confident i'll lose the extra 10-15lbs i want to lose before the wedding next September, there's no rush. I think therein lies my problem: I'm so used to looking at weight from the dieting perspective; can't eat this, can't eat that, must hit the gym 5-6 times a week, must lose at least 2 or more pounds to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Ferchrissakes, I'm not a big fat cow anymore! I'm an average sized guy carrying a few extra pounds which I can lose through the healthier and smarter eating I've learned over the past year. Add to that regular visits to the gym and i'm already way ahead of so many who are struggling with this.
I really am so hard on myself. I know it. I wish I wasn't but I am what I am. Everyone around me sees a very different me than I do. My perspective is so warped I don't think I even see the real me. Red sees me, the me that everyone else sees; The me I can't see. I guess when you come from a negative background where everyone only focuses on the bad things, you don't know how to see things in their proper perspective. My weight has always been an issue for me, long before I was even cognizant of it. And it has shaped my attitudes about myself. I am much more than my weight, I just wish I believed it.
So this weekend we are heading to Red's parents place for her dad's birthday. There'll be beer and cake. Fuck it, I'm in.
Feeling hungry for dinner, we stopped for a pizza. Then the week began. I'm in a course this week and its catered so there's a tray of muffins, donuts, cookies and such in the room all day. And yes, I've eaten a donut and a cookie, or two, or three. Why? I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does seafood stink to high Heaven? Its not like I haven't brought my usual fruit and salad for the day. I've just been in a weird mood lately where food is concerned. And Red is feeling the same. So we're both sitting there during the evening munching. Sure, we're munching on grapes and pineapple as per usual, but we're also eating cookies, licorice and mini crisps.
And that's not all: I missed the gym Monday and Thursday. Monday I can excuse, we didn't sleep much in Vancouver so by Sunday night, we were exhausted and grabbing an extra hour and a half in bed was necessary. But Thursday, I was just plain lazy. The alarm went off and I just lied there. Red was up getting ready but I just didn't want to. So I stayed in bed the extra 1 1/2hr. Don't even talk to me about the guilt. Plus, on Wednesday, I only did 2/3 of my routine, so overall, it's been a horrid week. I did jump on the scale just out of morbid curiousity Wednesday morning, hoping the damage wasn't too bad and was shocked to see 201.5lbs. Five pounds!?! How in Hell did that happen!?! Fortunately Red was up too which made me feel a bit better. She even tried to blame flying on having an effect on your body, she was kidding of course. The sad part of it all was that instead of strengthening my resolve, I went into the gym and put in a half hearted effort. Then I had a donut at the course.
But for some reason, I'm not feeling too bad about it. Maybe its because I know its only a blip and that I'll take it off again. It sucks taking a step or two backwards but I guess its part of life. I'm confident i'll lose the extra 10-15lbs i want to lose before the wedding next September, there's no rush. I think therein lies my problem: I'm so used to looking at weight from the dieting perspective; can't eat this, can't eat that, must hit the gym 5-6 times a week, must lose at least 2 or more pounds to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Ferchrissakes, I'm not a big fat cow anymore! I'm an average sized guy carrying a few extra pounds which I can lose through the healthier and smarter eating I've learned over the past year. Add to that regular visits to the gym and i'm already way ahead of so many who are struggling with this.
I really am so hard on myself. I know it. I wish I wasn't but I am what I am. Everyone around me sees a very different me than I do. My perspective is so warped I don't think I even see the real me. Red sees me, the me that everyone else sees; The me I can't see. I guess when you come from a negative background where everyone only focuses on the bad things, you don't know how to see things in their proper perspective. My weight has always been an issue for me, long before I was even cognizant of it. And it has shaped my attitudes about myself. I am much more than my weight, I just wish I believed it.
So this weekend we are heading to Red's parents place for her dad's birthday. There'll be beer and cake. Fuck it, I'm in.
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