Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday ye old fat guy, Happy Birthday to me!

Yep, I'm 42 today and about 210lb according to last Friday's weigh in. Am I worried? Kinda, sorta, no, well....yes, no.....bah.....I don't look fatter than I did a month ago so all i can assume is that my weight lifting regime is building muscle. However, I don't look thinner either so I have to assume the fat is staying. Pity, as I had hoped by now that my body would start purging fat while it grows muscle. My clothes don't fit any differently aside from a couple tee shirts i don't usually wear feel a bit tighter, something that does concern me. I do see some differences in my chest and shoulder area and in my legs and buttocks. They're subtle but they're there. I just wish my belly would shrink down some.

But that's asking a lot when I haven't exactly been great with my diet. I haven't followed through with my plan to purge bread from my diet, something I know would make a world of difference, and my water intake has slowed down again. I've allowed myself some Xmas treats at work and some chocolate and cookies at home. Mostly, it's just making me sick. I never thought I'd see the day when treats would make me ill but that day has come. Eating real food has forever changed my life, sugary foods and overly salted and greasy fare feels like poison in my body. My body craves grapes, pineapple, apples, bananas, veggies...anything else just doesn't sit right. I usually buy cereals like Cheerios, Special K, Corn Flakes and others like them, but the other day I bought a box of an old favourite, Cap'n Crunch, as a treat. What a mistake! I had a bowl, admittedly a large bowl, and threw up half of it. It was gross. Too sweet and fake tasting. What has become of me?

And despite all of these changes, all this good food entering my body, I'm still battling my weight! Maybe once the bread is gone, things will settle down. Doesn't help that I've made a few trips to the store for pizza slices the last couple of weeks. Nor has helping myself to Red's cookie stash. What's interesting is that I'm having no real cravings. In fact, I don't even want any of this stuff. I could do without the pizza, the cookies and the chocolate. It's not like I'm feeling any sense of satisfaction afterward. About the only thing I'm eating (which I shouldn't be) that does bring me satisfaction are the sandwiches and the bread! The rest of the bad stuff is doing nothing for me.

But real food is what I crave. I like it when we cook dinner. I enjoy fruit as a snack. I'm tired of salad every day for lunch so I've started to cut back on it, but I've replaced it with soup: chicken noodle, vegetable, beef vegetable. A few more calories but good stuff overall I think. But I think I'm eating out of stress. Work has me worried, as usual. I need a new job, something I enjoy or at least don't mind doing. I hate my job, I hate talking about my job. When asked how my day was, I can't lie. It was horrible, like every other day I'm there. Why bother asking? Oh sure, you could say, well at least you have a job. Whatever. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I can't bitch about it.

I think i've finally gotten over the scale. It just isn't a reliable source of information anymore. And it depresses me. I still get on it just to see where I'm at, but that's about it. Need to up the ante after the New Year. Only 9 more months until the wedding. Have to be in shape to wear the tuxedo and look good. I don't want to look fat in my wedding photos.

Friday and the scale reads 206.5lb. Don't know what to think about that but it is what it is. I'm still trying to keep the scale in perspective, using my body shape, measurements and clothes as a better indicator. I managed to get a full 5 days in at the gym and my body is exhausted, and a bit sore. That should clear up over the weekend though. Been suffering through a headache the past couple of weeks that is on and off. I think its just stress.

There's a Yoga group at work that might be interesting to get involved with. Apparently the teacher comes in every Wednesday at lunch and i hear he's quite good. I've never bought into the whole Yoga thing, but I understand it's good stretching and core strengthening so I might sign up for the next set of classes whenever that is. They just started their winter session a couple of weeks ago so it might not be for a while. I believe i was told it was 8 weeks for $35 which is not bad. So we'll see come February?

We've decided to take a season off from Volleyball. We'll be taking the second series of classes in Rock and jive dancing and starting the ballroom dance at the same time. So that'll make up for missing one activity and its something we both enjoy. Instead I think I might sign up for floor hockey, I've been wanting to do that for a while now. Come spring, we'll get into softball again and probably leave volleyball behind for the summer season since it seems nobody shows up for the beach volleyball games and after 2 lackluster seasons of that, we've had enough. We'll get back at it come next fall.

Still feeling pretty good about my diet. Cravings still non-existent. I decided to grab a clubhouse for breakfast this morning since i ran out of fruit at home to bring and i was hungry. At lunch, i did hit the grocery store for some apples and grapes to munch on at work and home but decided the pizza slices at the take out counter looked too good to pass up so i grabbed one for lunch. I'm a bit disappointed for caving, but that'll be my food for the day, sans fruits, as I want to enjoy a few beers tonight to unwind after a hard week. So all in all, I'm okay with it. Could be worse, i could be enjoying the sweet treats floating around my workplace this week and next until Xmas holidays.

I wouldn't have thought that 2 weeks would make that much of a difference when it came to weight lifting. After all, it's only been 2 weeks. But my legs and buttocks are sore again after a couple of days back at it, almost like before when I began this workout. Granted I'm not as bad, basic mobility is still there, but I am tender. I chose not to do my leg work this morning as a day off from that might be just what the doctor ordered.

Instead I went straight to the weights; today was chest and back. I've dropped my chest press weight by 5lb and I'm struggling with that. Today was a bit better but it's hard. Again, only 2 weeks! I know you lose some of what you've gained when you don't keep up with it, but this was not a lot of time. Hopefully there won't be another crisis in the near future and I won't miss anymore time.

I'm anxious to see how this weight lifting regime is going to work out. I know it'll take some time; my weight hasn't dropped like I had hoped, but I think I'm making gains, the good kind. I'll know better after about 3 months I figure. That means first of February. With any luck, I'll see a definite difference in my physique and weight, enough to feel that I should continue with this course of action. I need to have a good idea of what I'll look like physically when I go shopping for a tux for the wedding. I'm not sure when I'm going to do that, the wedding is in September and I doubt you need to book a tux too far ahead, so I'm thinking late spring, unless someone knows better.

Foodwise, I'm doing well. I probably could stand to slow down on the fruits in the evening, even grapes add up calorie wise. But it could be worse, could be chips. And Red has some leftover nacho chips and salsa in the fridge which looks mighty tempting. Not to mention that chocolate almond bar that cries out to me daily. But the urges just aren't that strong these days and I'm happy about that. Nothing worse than having to deal with cravings that won't go away despite your best efforts. I seem to get enough from the grapes and pineapple I munch on while watching TV. Of course, if I could break THAT habit, I'd be gold!

I haven't bought any bagged salad for lunches this week. I'm a bit tired of it every day and I do get some veggies at dinner when we roast them. I know fresh is best but I've been eating salad almost daily for about a year and a half now, and I'm about done. I'm bringing soup, which is good, sometimes Chunky, sometimes just the Campbells stuff. I've still got my apples to munch on, they get me through the morning after my workout. I do feel hungry during the day, but I'm busier at work so it's a little easier to handle.

There's lots of Xmas treats around the office, some of it looking very good. But I've been good, aside from that cake and brownies I won last week, I haven't touched anything. My sister's family Xmas party was cancelled this year so I won't have to deal with her baked goods and we're not scheduled to attend any other functions that I know of. So it'll just be getting through the actual days of Xmas which should be easier. Xmas for me is a bad time diet wise, I know I'm not the only one, but I'm feeling pretty confident this year that it won't be a disaster like other years.

I like to think I'm focused and overall I guess I am. I have fallen off the wagon and then allowed that to spiral into something more (this past weekend was an example), but I haven't beaten myself up over it for a change. Maybe I do feel that I'm more in control now and that I'm not going to lose it outright. I can't trust the scale anymore, with my workout routine, it just doesn't register like it did before. It'll come down to how my body looks and feels, how my clothes fit, and ultimately that's what's important. We put too much emphasis on the scale and numbers, and when you are active, you naturally build muscle which weighs more than fat. It's hard to break that habit, but you'll never be happy if you don't. I'm still working on it.

Back to the grind

I didn't write last week and it was intentional. I was busier than normal at work where I normally take the time (I know, slacker) and my evenings were spent in a tired funk, a combination of feeling exhausted and down. I did get on the scale on both Tuesday and Friday, my weights were 207 and 208 respectively.

Due to recurring car troubles and a late night last Sunday thanks to a Neil Diamond concert and some overnight guests, I missed the gym until last Thursday so that didn't help matters. When I did get back, I focused on cardio making it about 2 weeks since I'd done any weights. I decided that today I'd get back to my regular workout and get back on track. I did get some more positive feedback last week though which, while I don't really see it, made me feel a bit better. A guy I talk to at the gym mentioned that I looked leaner, that my body was changing somewhat, especially in the chest area. Now leaner might be a stretch, I'm heavier than I was when I began lifting, and I'll be damned if I can see any changes in my physique. So this makes 3 people in the last couple of weeks who've mentioned how I looked thinner: Red, her sister, and this guy at the gym. Now on the flip side, my mother was up for the concert last weekend and she hasn't seen me since about August. She asked me if I was still going to the gym which made me think she thought I looked heavier without saying it. Since I am heavier than I was the last time she saw me, by a good 8-10lbs, I'm more inclined to believe she thinks I've gained, and she would be right. If that's what she was getting at. But that's 3 to 1 in favour of me looking thinner and my vote doesn't count so I don't know what to think.

On the plus side, I'm having no cravings, no desire to take advantage of the treats that are being brought in to work this Xmas season, although I did buy some tickets to our company's cake walk last week and won a Snickers cake and a tray of brownies. Both were delicious although the cake was too sweet. After enjoying a couple of slices this weekend, I'm done with it. The brownies were awesome and didn't stand a chance of lasting too long. I polished them off so at least I begin this week without temptations. Aside from that, I did enjoy some nachos and salsa, pizza for dinner on Saturday and because we'd been talking about it for what seemed like forever, A&W on Sunday. But that's done now, we've had our fill and I'm ready to climb back on the horse.

Getting back to the weights this morning was exhausting. I switched things up a bit by mixing my chest and arm exercises together with the intention of doing my back and shoulders tomorrow. Normally i do chest and back, then arms and shoulders the next day and now I know why. The arm workouts take too much out of me and it makes doing the chest work too hard as after a few sets, my arms are rubber. So I'm going to revert back to what I was doing out of necessity. Lunges felt okay, that sharp pain in my rump is gone, now I just have to avoid a repeat of that. My right shoulder feels good, I'm thinking maybe building up some muscle around it has helped. We'll see how things go tomorrow as that's when it'll be tested.

Despite having what I think was a good week eating wise, my weight went up to 209.5lb. I did cardio all week instead of weights, kept out of the junk, even started drinking water! Now I know last weekend wasn't superb, but I've done worse. So I can't even begin to explain this one. It certainly didn't help my already fragile psyche and depressed mood.

I'm starting to wonder why I am even bothering?

week from Hell

So the past week has been one of stress and anxiety. The clutch on my car gave up the ghost last Wednesday after a few weeks of rough driving. I had originally taken it in a week earlier but the problem had mysteriously vanished upon arrival at the garage. Kind of like when you're really sick and by the time you get in to see the doctor, you're feeling better.

Well, the clutch started acting up again and left me no choice but to take it in since my car had become undriveable. Of course, it was one of those things that takes down a bunch of other stuff with it, so I ended up needing a few other items fixed which blew the bill up to $2600, over half of it labour. I felt absolutely sick when I was told the amount, after all, I drive a 2002 Ford Focus, the bottom line of their vehicles. Just a couple of weeks before that, Red had bought winter tires for it as a birthday gift so that was another $500 give or take (no rims), and I had just had it in for a tune up and service that cost over $800. So that puts the total amount of money pumped into this thing in the last month or so at about $3900. I doubt it's even worth that much if I traded it. I seem to recall seeing the resale value at around the $5000 mark a while back when looking it up online, so at least I know if I sold it privately, I'd hopefully get enough to cover the remainder of my car loan. But Jesus Christ!

It just hasn't been our month, or last couple of months; a wedding out west we originally decided to attend but later thought the better of (too late of course, you can't refund airline tickets), so we ended up spending a lot of money travelling out there to attend that, the garage door was falling apart and needed to be replaced, the hot water heater and furnace both quit (though thankfully a few weeks apart), Red's taxes were reassessed for the umpteenth time and she allegedly owes more, my car issues, and I'm sure there's more that I'm missing. It hasn't been a good run and I'm bummed out. Christmas is fast approaching and while we've agreed to scale back the expenses, it's still going to be costly. You can't avoid it. A hundred bucks here, another hundred there, fifty here, twenty there, it adds up.

And my ability to save has gone down since the summer and we have a wedding to pay for. Plus with all the restructuring going on in the wake of the economic crisis, who knows how long I may have a job for? I work in the private sector and jobs are going south fast. My job can be easily erased and I know it. With the looming recession, I don't know how long it would take to find another job, at least one that pays a reasonable salary. I've got my name out there but nothing's happening. It's very stressful.

On the diet side, my weight remained unchanged from weeks previous so that sucks. Because of my car issues and no loaner or rental available, I missed a couple days of work and the gym. I did get back Monday and decided to go for some cardio this week just to burn calories and give my muscles a break. My glute is feeling better, not perfect but better, so that's good. I did miss most of my workout yesterday as my car developed power issues on the way to the gym and I thought it best to run it over to the garage right away, so another lost day. I've been okay diet wise, the weekend was not good at all as I let myself eat and drink some of my stress away, but aside from that, I'm fine. No real cravings or desires haunting me which is nice.

Red's sister was over last Thursday and mentioned that I looked thinner that I had in September when she last seen me. So did an older woman who works out at the gym and sees me almost daily. I have to admit I think them, and Red who mentioned it last week, are on crack since I'm up about 5lb since the first of September so how can I possibly look thinner? And besides, I see a not so flat belly protruding these days whereas in late August when I was below 200lb, I did not.

Maybe the weight lifting is making some physical changes in me that I'm not seeing? I wouldn't think so since it has only been 4 weeks and my weight has gone up, not down. But I am my own worst critic so maybe i'm just blind to it. I don't know. This week I'm doing cardio in an effort to kill some calories and see if I can move my weight. Plus, I want to give my glute a chance to heal up more and give my body a break overall, I'll go back to the weights next week.

Red's plotting a trip to Cuba for late February, she must not be feeling the money crunch like I am. I'm not a beach person, with this body, taking off my shirt and strutting around isn't something I'm comfortable doing. I don't care if others are doing it, I'm sensitive about my body and have no desire to show it off. I haven't been anywhere like this before so I don't know what to expect. It's not exactly my idea of a fun vacation, but it's something she likes to do and it's her turn to pick.

Maybe i'll like it, but with how I'm feeling these days, I can't get into it. I get home and just want to sit quietly. Volleyball isn't much fun, dancing is over for now and the snow is falling. I'm worried about cash, my job and my diet. There's a concert we're going to this weekend with her parents, my mom and my sister, but I'm not into it. I chose not to go to another one I might have enjoyed for next week and our Christmas plans have yet to be firmed up.

Truth is, I resent all the travelling I have to do at Xmas. Everyone expects us to attend their Xmas meal but we simply cannot do that. And my birthday falls 2 days before Xmas so we have to figure out how to deal with that as well. We only have 4 days to work with and none of the options appeals to me. I hate Christmas.

My ass hurts. I'm serious. Whatever is going on down there is making my life miserable. I can feel a dull pain in my right glute when i'm sitting, when i stand it hurts, and i can't do lunges anymore leaving me to do squats, which for some reason I can still do painfree. A couple of other exercises aggravate it too, 3-point barbell lift, leg and knee lifts, steps. So how long did it take me to hurt myself? Well, I've been doing this new routine for 4 weeks now and this started last week so......

I was worried about pulling a muscle in my back, or my shoulder, not my ass. I'm taking ibuprofen but it hasn't done anything. I'm not in horrible pain, just a sharp pain when i try and do anything that aggravates it. Pain in the ass....literally.

I don't know why, but something the other day reminded me of a certain bully I had in the ninth grade. What's funny, is that I didn't just have one bully in ninth grade, I had two! I think many fatties have bullies at some point in their lives, some all their lives. I hadn't experienced bullying unti the fifth grade when I transferred from a public school to a catholic school for reasons I still don't understand. I think mom has said it had to do with our parish priest badgering her about it but I don't remember us ever spending any time talking to priests. We went to service on Sunday morning and that was it. But I digress....

I went to catholic school until the beginning of high school, grade nine, when we moved into a new house which happened to be in the neighbourhood right behind a public high school. And not just any public high school, QECVI, which bordered on the north end of town where the riff raff lived. The north end of Kingston, the city where I grew up, is the welfare end of town where crime runs rampant. It's an endless cycle of people growing up in the social assistance system and then repeating the pattern. It is truly a foolish soul who wanders through that neighbourhood after dark as random violence runs amuck. The north end is bordered by an overpass, on the south side of the overpass, is a nice neighbourhood where we lived.

Anyway, QECVI was the only high school serving that area so all the riff raff went there. There's another high school on the other side of town that while not as bad, certainly rivalled it for scum, and the two schools frequently traded expelled students since none of the other schools would have them. This is where I ended up going. I thought I'd be going to Regi, the catholic high school in town, where all my friends were going. It was just several blocks away and accessible by bus. But my mom reasoned that why should I go to Regi when there's a high school right across the street? Besides, she wouldn't spring for the uniform. Sometimes I think had I gone to Regi, I might have gotten a better education, some focus in life and ended up better off altogether instead of attending a barely functioning school where the teachers just didn't care and many students wandered around wasted.

Being the fat kid, I was used to taunts and did, in fact, have a bully in grades 5 and 6, but he was nothing like what I endured in grade 9. I met bully #1, Brad C, in art class. It was the last class of the day and he apparently had nothing better to do than bother me, ruin whatever it was I was working on, and demand money, which i had none of making my situation a bit more precarious. Bully #2, Brad S, was from shop class. This guy had a nasty habit of punching me in the arm regularly leaving my upper arm bruised and swollen. He never seemed to want anything from me, he just delighted in terrorizing me. I guess since I was the fat kid, and a quiet, innocent looking kid at that, both figured I was an easy target. And I was.

Brad C just harrassed me daily, wanted money but never physically punished me for it. I remember one day him following me down the street after school trying to antagonize me and when I just kept on walking, he eventually pushed me down into some brush and ordered me to stay there until he left. Kind of dumb but that was about the extent of it. He did manage to turn an old friend of mine against me, causing a bit of a fist fight between us one day, but his annoyance never amounted to much more than threats and taunts.

Brad S, on the other hand, regularly punched me in the arm, and when he got tired of bruising one, he worked on the other. I don't know why I didn't stop him or call for help, maybe I was trying to show I could take it. When my mother eventually seen the bruises, she lost her shit. But my mother is all bark and no bite so nothing ever came of it. My first year in grade 9 was long and painful and it couldn't have ended soon enough. For whatever reason, in grade 10, both Brads must have found better things to do, or another victim. I don't think either of them knew what the other was up to, I can't recall ever seeing them together. If I had of been smart, I might have found a way to manipulate them into fighting each other over domination rights. But I'm not that smart.

Anyway, it was a good 10 or so years after high school and i was coming back from a house party on Wolfe Island on the ferry when who do i see sitting in the cabin, but Brad S! We recognized each other right away since neither of us appeared to have changed much and I wasn't too concerned about him anymore. I was bigger than him, mostly because I was still fat, and I figured we had grown up and left that kid stuff behind. He was reasonably pleasant and we talked about what we were doing these days and I didn't really feel any animosity towards him. But then he noticed the plastic bag i was carrying, it was full of beer bottles. Unopened beer bottles I was bringing home.

With a sly grin, he motioned towards them asking what they were for. I told him and he asked if he could have one. Sure, I said, I'm a nice guy and so what? Right? Well, after I said yes, he suggested I give him 2. Right away I could see he was not much different than he had been at 14. But I still didn't have the testicular fortitude at that time to say no, funny how a bully's power over you can trancend time, so I gave him another. Of course he asked for a third which I gave him and that seemed to make him content.

When the ferry arrived at the dock, we parted ways never to see each other again. I remember feeling angry that I let him get away with that, but I didn't stop him. Inside I was still the quiet, insecure fat kid afraid of being beaten up by some bully. It wasn't that I couldn't have picked him up and deposited him over the side of the boat, I was big and had learned how to use my weight to move stuff, and people if necessary, but I wasn't assertive. So he won, again.

I didn't become more assertive and short of patience for idiots until i was in my early 30's and finally grew a spine. I'm still a nice guy and I always have a nice word for people, but don't piss me off. And especially don't try and bully me. I have no qualms about throwing people over the sides of boats now. Sometimes I wish Brad S would cross my path again.....SPLASH!!