So I got on the scale this morning and got some great news: 215lb. That's awesome considering I was 220 on Monday morning when I re-dedicated myself. I know most of it is probably just bloat and water, but its a good start. After not seeing any downward motion on the scale the past few months, its a relief. Goes to show how much munching I was doing because that's the only thing that has changed this week in my routine.

While I'm very happy with this weeks results, I'm also hungrier. I woke up last night feeling hungry, something I don't usually do. And I've felt hungry all day today as well despite having eaten my 4 apples, bag of salad and chunky soup. With the nice weather finally upon us, all I really want to do is hit a patio and drink some beer and enjoy some nachos with cheese! But alas, that isn't going to happen. I might have a couple of beers tonight but there will be no nachos, or anything else to snack on. We're having chicken and roasted veggies tonight for dinner so that should leave me with some room for the beer calories. But God, I'd love some pizza.

We're going to try and hit the gym this weekend for a change. Goodlife has a couple of morning classes available that we like so hopefully we'll make it. We planned to take the bodypump class followed by the bodyattack class last night as they were back to back, but after the pump class, we both ran out of gas. It wasn't that pump was that draining, normally we could follow it up with a cardio class, but for some reason last night, we were both trashed afterward. The intention is to do this back to back regime on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This past Tuesday, instead of hitting them, we opted to take the attack class followed by something called Newbody which was just a low impact aerobics with weights workout. I didn't care for the Newbody class as it was boring and seemed erratic, Red didn't mind it but its not something I care to do again. So my plan is to take the pump/attack classes on those days and get the most out of it. This in addition to the pump class on Mondays, possibly the bodyvive or bodycombat class on Wednesday, attack on either Saturday or Sunday AND hitting the gym in the mornings.....I must be out of my ever loving mind!

But the goal is to look good for the wedding and I've only got 3 months as of today. That's 13 weeks to peel off about 15lb. Hopefully since that's only little more than a pound a week, I can pull off 20 but we'll see. There will be indulgences, might as well admit them now, but if I balance things out, something I failed to do before, I should be okay. With all the extra munching out, and the extra time in the gym, I should be able to survive these indulgences, after all, you can't deny yourself everything you love. So that pizza we love will happen maybe once a month, the odd ice cream cone when we've really felt we've earned it, maybe even nachos! Just have to be smart about it.

I wish I wasn't so preoccupied with what I eat, like a normal person. But when you don't practice portion control and have a tendency to feed your indulgences, especially when emotionally vulnerable, you can't help but be consumed by it. I think about food all the time, I'm always counting calories, feeling guilty about what I did eat, thinking about how often I need to hit the gym and how hard I worked while there and feeling guilty when I miss. Its maddening. Sometimes I wonder if the payoff is worth it.

A(nother) New Start!

I restarted the whole diet/exercise thing Monday. I don't know if "restarted" is the right term, but I use it because it feels like I'm recommitting myself to the process. What, you ask, happened to my previous commitment? The one I've been blogging about for the past year? The commitment I made in September of 2007 to change my lifestyle to a more healthier one and lose some weight? The commitment i originally made in January of 2000 to lose the weight I had been dragging around all my life and find some happiness? Nothing. Nothing happened to it. I just realized a few things that were blocking me from reaching my goals. Things I knew were blocking me. Things that stopped me from losing weight and gaining back weight I had already lost.......and lost.....and lost. So maybe "realized" isn't the correct term either. But its partially true.

While I haven't been perfect in my eating, I thought I wasn't doing too badly considering most of my snacking consisted of fruit, mainly grapes, apples and pineapple. Yes, I would hit Subway or the cafeteria at work here and there for a sandwich at lunch, sometimes I would even grab a couple slices of pizza, but overall I didn't think I was doing that much damage. I was hitting the gym pretty much every morning, playing in a sports league and taking dance lessons, so I wasn't just sitting. Yet my weight slowly crept back up.

In November, I was 207lb, a full 10lb heavier than i had been in August. Then I started lifting weights at the gym to try and grow some muscle in addition to the cardio. My weight immediately jumped 5lb. It never came back off. I was 213 when I went to Cuba in late February and I had stopped lifting weights due to back and shoulder issues. In mid April, I started participating in cardio type classes at the gym to give me an average of 8 gym visits a week. Since mid May, the average number of visits to the gym is 9. I now weigh as of this morning, 218lb. That's right, 218.

How can this be? Believe me, I've been asking myself this question for months now. How can I be gaining weight when most days I'm eating well, drinking tons of water, and visiting the gym regularly? Well, this is where the realization sets in. Among other things which I'll get to in a moment, I eat a shitload of grapes. When we buy groceries, we buy a lot of grapes. The grocery store has those plastic bags on the roller in the fruit and vegetable section and I fill up 2 of them, 1 with green seedless, the other with red seedless. This fills up a large size tupperware bowl at home and most of the shelf it sits on in the refridgerator. We also pick up about 3 pineapples and have them chopped and ready to eat. This is in addtion to the apples, a bag of Royal Gala and a bag of Golden Delicious usually. And don't forget the bananas. Sounds like a good healthy plan doesn't it? Well it is, in moderation.

See, I bring 4 apples to work every day and munch on them throughout the day as snacks. My lunch usually consists of a bag of that Dole Salad mix with low calorie Italian dressing and Chunky soup. So far, so good. Well, maybe I could cut back on one or two of the apples, but they're apples for chrissakes! And I workout in the mornings, I'm hungry! Sometimes, Instead of the soup and maybe even instead of the salad, I'll grab a sandwich if I'm feeling particularly hungry. No harm in that I would think. So by my measure, I'm ingesting probably anywhere from 500-900 calories during the workday depending on whether I have the sandwich or not. And more if I do Subway or slices of pizza, which I don't do very often.

But then here's where I think the problem is: the night time. We usually cook dinner and we try to be good about what we eat but I admittedly don't follow what dieticians and the like would consider a normal portion. I don't eat a 3oz. piece of meat, my portion is probably double that, sometimes more depending on what it is. And if its something like spaghetti or shepherds pie, I don't measure out a portion using a scale or anything, I just scoop myself out a nice sized plate that's probably 3 or 4 times the recommended portion and enjoy. But that's not all. Now we're into sitting in front of the TV time. And what does that mean? Grapes! Pineapple! Maybe even a banana smoothie! I think this is a lot of where I'm going wrong.

Yes, I should be more moderate in my dinner portions but most days, its the only solid meal I eat so I'd like it to be filling. But despite snacking on fruits to satiate my desire to eat, I'm mindlessly ingesting way more calories than I thought. I don't measure my food and so I can only guess as to how many grapes I eat in a sitting. But lets put it this way: those 2 bags of grapes we bought on say a Saturday are gone by Wednesday usually, maybe Thursday. And the pineapple? It usually lasts the week but not always. And the aforementioned banana smoothie? Well its not a regular thing, but maybe twice a week, sometimes more. Its usually 2 bananas, 1 and a half to 2 cups of 1% milk, ice and Splenda for a caloric total of about 400. Totalled up, how many calories is all of that?

Now add that to the indiscretions on the weekend. Pizza, while not as frequent as before, does happen. So does M&Ms or some other candy at the movies. And don't forget the beer, something I rarely drank before, now a regular part of my Friday and Saturday evenings. Also, it isn't uncommon for me to enjoy a big bowl of cereal in the mornings on the weekend, by big I mean at least 2 cups (maybe a bit more) of the cereal and probably a cup of milk. The cereal may be Corn Flakes, Special K or Rice Krispies, but its still a big bowl of cereal. See the pattern?

Overeating. No portion control. Mindless snacking. No wonder I'm failing. I may have changed the types of foods I'm eating but I'm still overeating. A doctor at the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic said once in response to one of his obese patients lamenting his weight gain despite eating only oranges ( a dubious claim if you ask me), "You may be eating only oranges, but you're eating 45 oranges! You eat 45 of anything and you're going to gain weight!" I've learned this for there is no difference between me and my incessant snacking on grapes and pineapple and this patient's snacking on oranges. At least I'm admitting I eat other things during the day too!

It comes down to my constant eating. If I'm not eating I'm drinking something. At work, I'll drink 3 or 4 coffees/teas over the course of the day in addition to the 3 24oz. containers of water I sip on. I always have some food or drink item at hand, I'm rarely without. I do this at home too, if I'm not eating, I'm sipping on something or I'm doing both. I eat when I'm not hungry, I just want something. Thankfully it's usually fruit, but it adds up. I used to think I would eat maybe 3 cups of grapes in an evening, now i think its more. Since I don't measure them and lets face it, a cup is not very big, I must be easily downing 5 or 6 cups, maybe more. At 62 calories a cup, that's roughly 300-400, probably more. And that doesn't include the pineapple, which I might add I stopped eating about a month ago, just lost my taste for it.

And here's another problem: when Red and I started taking these cardio classes in the evenings, I thought I could get away with eating more because I was working out more. So I would have that sandwich at lunch more often, or that slice of pizza in addition to my lunch of fruits, salad and maybe the soup. And I didn't think much of the beer on the weekends, again I was working out more so I had room to play. Same went for the candy at the movies, the ice cream cone we'd treat ourselves to, the cookies we'd bake, or the chocolate bar I'd ravage. Where was my head?!? I knew this was wrong! I knew I was already having problems losing weight the last few months and these classes were perfect for helping me get over that hump! So why did I do it? Why did I throw away all those months of hardwork and sacrifice? I'll tell you why. I was never hugged as a child.

That's right, never hugged, never kissed, never told I was loved. I wasn't abused or anything, Christmas was fine, we had stuff, I just lacked emotional attachment. And I guess I turned to food to fill that need. And its something I still do despite being with a woman who loves me to death. But you can't change what's hard wired in you overnight. And I haven't tried to change it. During this whole time, I changed what I ate for the most part, but not when I ate and how much I ate. Its like I'm filling some need deep inside of me although the whole thing doesn't make me happy. I mean here I am bitching about my weight and i'm still eating. All the time. Filling that need. If I doing such a good job of filling that need, shouldn't I be feeling better? Is this a circular argument?

So, how to fix. There's the million dollar question. How do you turn off the eating when you don't know how to? I notice I don't eat when I'm busy, so there's a start. We're hitting the gym roughly 4 nights a week after work, 2 of those nights we're doing a double class so that eats up part of the evening. I stopped buying grapes, didn't think I would resort to that, but I did. I'm very much an all or nothing person and if something isn't there, I won't eat it. If we don't keep snacks around, I can't eat. Won't I substitute the grapes with something that is in the house? Hopefully not. I can't say I won't because it would be easy to grab a sleeve of Ritz crackers or a couple of apples to munch on. All I can do is try. Same with my lunches. Just keep to the salad, fruit and soup. Stay away from the cafeteria and don't make a trip to Subway or the pizza shop.

I had another reminder of how much I've regained in the past few months. In September of 07, I bought a new suit to go to a wedding. At the time, I weighed 227lb and it was just before I started the regimen. Last September, we attended another wedding and I weighed about 203lb so you can imagine how ill-fitting the suit was. I was practically swimming in it. We have a family event to attend in a couple of weeks and I figured I'd get the suit altered so it fit again. I brought it to work today to take to a tailor at lunch and when i tried it on at the shop, it basically fit again! I was so disappointed. It really brought all of this home for me. I feel terrible. But I did it to myself. I was on the right path, doing great and I let it slip away. I've been at the gym more than ever the last 6 weeks and I blew a golden opportunity to drop some weight for the summer. Now I face dieting and working out hard just to get ready for my wedding in September.

There's no way I want to look like this when I get married. I'm disgusting. In late April, Red and I took our weight and measurements to help keep track of our progress and we started this busier regimen with high hopes of dropping excess weight and looking good for our big day. As of today, i'm about 4lb heavier than I was that day and we haven't done any followup. I just can't. But I made the decision over the weekend to fix things. No more grapes, at least not for now. Light lunches. Reasonably portioned meals at dinner. No more night time snacking. Exercise some god damned will power, I've done it before, I can do it again. Its only 3 months till the wedding, that's enough time to drop 15lb. That'll put me around 200 and I can live with that even though my original goal was to be about 190.

I'd like to think I'll pull this off. I know I can do it, i have in the recent past. With Red going to the gym now and being enthusiastic about it, I can get more time in there which can only benefit me. This is my best shot at succeeding, i need to take advantage of it. I'm getting older, the weight doesn't just come off like it used to. But am I still young enough to forge a new, healthier relationship with food? I don't know. Maybe this is my life, to be forever at war with my eating behaviours, my weight and my self loathing. I come from a heavy set family so I have the history. Thing is, despite my weariness with the whole thing, I can't give up. I would love to but I know what that would mean and that is not an option. So I'll trudge ahead with renewed vigor, how many times have I said that in the past? God, read my posts! They're full of the same never say die attitude, its laughable. That and the whining.

The Fat Acceptance Hypocrisy

I have to admit, I've been flirting with the idea. It would make life so much easier and lower my stress levels significantly. Gone would be the guilt, the frustration, the early mornings. Yep, the Fat Acceptance Movement seems more appealing every day. These people and their fearless leaders such as Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby appear to have made peace with their own weight loss battles and have decided they can have their cake and eat it too! They just seem so free and unfettered by societys demand that they be a size 2 and count every calorie they shove in their mouths and exercise 3 hours a day just to stay lean and fit. God I wish i could join them. Imagine the freedom of being able to enjoy a donut when buying that morning coffee, or ordering that pizza in a size larger so that you can enjoy the leftovers later or if you so choose, finish it off right then and there. To be able to go to the movies and order Combo #1, you know, the one with the refillable large popcorn and drink with candy and not think about the 4000+ calories you're about to ingest in one sitting. Or being able to stop at the chip truck and ordering some of those greasy, fresh cut fries covered in salt and vinegar, God my mouth is watering right now just thinking about it.

But, as wonderful as all that sounds, I simply cannot do it. Why? Because, in the end, I hate being fat. I hate not fitting into booths at a restaurant, I hate not fitting into regular seats on the bus, on a plane, at the movies, in amusement park rides, anywhere there are seats. And speaking of seats, I hate that creaking sound of furniture straining and groaning under the weight of my big fat arse and the rather large dip in my bed where I sleep at night. I hate not being able to buy decent looking and fitting clothes, although clothing makers are getting much better at this as they've figured out there is money to be made since more and more people are becoming obese and require larger clothing! I hate feeling tired and lazy, everything seems so much harder when you're fat: climbing stairs, walking, any type of manual labour, sports, dancing, anything that requires you to move. Then there's just how I look fat, the big round face which makes my head look more enormous than it already is, the gut hanging out over my belt, that big roll of flab that circles my abdomen, my man boobs, my thighs that appear attached at the knee, that overall pear shape that is so pleasing to the eye.

Nope, I just can't do it. I spent the first 34 years of my life as a fat person, first just fat, then morbidly obese, then just obese before finally getting a handle on it and finding my way to looking fairly average to just a few pounds overweight (well probably 20-25 or so). When I first found the will to diet and hit the gym religiously, I did it as part of a self improvement plan which included returning to college and getting my life together as a whole. I saw my weight as a detriment to success in all aspects of life: career, social, dating. I wanted to be part of life, not on the fringes of it. Being thinner, prospective employers wouldn't be distracted by my size and thus would not fall prey to the stereotypes about fat people, such as that they're lazy, undisciplined, unclean, etc. Being thinner, my social life would open up as I would happily take part in activities such as sports, dances, and other outings where people congregate and enjoy life, this would mean friends. Being thinner, my dating life would open up exponentially. No longer would I have to settle for women that were open to dating fat guys, usually fat themselves or burdened by emotional issues and looking for love wherever they may find it.

Being fat is simply not where its at. And although the supporters of the Fat Acceptance Movement would have you believe otherwise, your life, ironically, is quite a bit smaller when you're fat. I've been reading the blog entries of some of these FA people and the articles that have featured them in an attempt to understand their point of view, and to be honest, I don't get it. Despite the pronouncements that they simply don't care what other people think of them and the countless links to the few studies that seem to support their claims that you can be fat and healthy, they come off as angry, bitter, approaching middle aged bitches. Every blog post ridicules someone who disagrees with them and their philosophy, be it a doctor, the author of a study, a commenter to a blogpost (who is immediately labelled a troll), or another blogger or columnist who dares challenge them on this subject. They've even managed to turn off some of the very people who once supported them in their war on the world. Sounds kinda like the Bush Administration doesn't it? You're either with us or you're with the terrorists. Very black and white.

After reading some of these blogs and the articles I've found online that discuss the movement and interview Harding and others, I can't help but feel these folks are just hypocrites. They decry their treatment at the hands of others yet volley their own bombs back, and sometimes quite viciously. They refuse to take responsibility for their size, instead blaming genetics and yo-yo dieting. Well yo-yo dieting is a bad thing I'll agree, but genetics? Come on. I come from a fat family, we're all prone to weight gain but none of us eat a healthy balanced diet either. Even now, despite the fact that I eat salad and fruit regularly, don't eat junk food as a rule, nor do I eat out much, I'm still battling my weight. Why? Because I overeat the good stuff! Not to mention that when I have a bad weekend, I have a BAD WEEKEND. Even something as innocent as grapes can be bad if consumed in large quantities. I eat tons of grapes in a week, always in the evenings when sitting in front of the TV, in addition to my dinner, my lunch, whatever fruit I brought to work to munch on that day. It adds up.

To me, they just seem to have given up, and are looking for any excuse available to justify their viewpoint, even if it means bending the truth, quoting out of context or ignoring the massive number of studies that link obesity to all sorts of diseases and health issues. Somehow it makes sense that this movement would come to be and develop a zealous following. We are getting fatter for any number of reasons and we're getting pretty defensive about it at the same time. If it were simply genetics, wouldn't humans have always been fat throughout time? Why is it the obesity epidemic has only become so in the last 20 or so years? Don't think people are fatter now than before? Go to a mall, go to a bar or a club on a Saturday night, go to a beach, in fact, go anywhere there are people and just take a look around! There are more fatties walking around than ever before. And they're getting younger. Don't believe me? Check out the teenage girls walking around in their belly tops and too tight pants. Where do you think the term "muffin top" came from? I don't remember seeing that in high school back in the early 80's. Now its everywhere.

Nope, denying there is an obesity problem or blaming genetics is just like saying global warming is a fraud. Only people that refuse to take responsibility make those types of statements.

Read an article the other day by a writer who wrote a letter to his 16 year old self. It was interesting as others also wrote themselves letters, each offering encouragement and advice. I was intrigued by this idea so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and write my 16 year old self a letter, but only deal with the weight issue since this is what this blog is about. Of course I could go on about school, women, careers, friends and so forth but this is not the place.

Dear Me,

While you're not completely aware of how big you are, you will become acutely aware of it soon. This is because you are not going to shrink any time in the near future, rather, you will continue to grow and your insecurities and self esteem will shrink instead. I know you are aware you are overweight and the object of some ridicule at school, but believe me, it's only going to get worse unless you take action now.

Notice how you are dateless currently despite your best efforts to woo certains girls you like at school? No, it's not because you aren't likeable, it's because you're fat and chicks don't dig fat guys. They also don't want to be with the guy who is the butt of so many immature fat jokes made mostly by the jocks you despise so much. This issue is only going to continue for you as you make your way out of high school and into real life. Yes, there will be girls, but they won't be what you want, instead they'll be girls you'll settle for, other fatties or retards with emotional problems who just want someone to love them. And you'll do that, yes you'll provide that love and comfort, but at what price? Your happiness? Your sanity? Your soul? You will become that guy the girls like, but as a friend. Someone they can confide in and trust. And you, you will listen and support them all the while gritting your teeth and shaking your head at these girls who insist on dating these assholes hoping that maybe, just maybe, one might see that you are a better choice. Don't hold your breath.

You know how you love to drum and play in rock bands? Yes, it's fun isn't it? Well nobody who is serious about taking to the stage wants a fat drummer. You know this. You will miss out a few times, not because you didn't have the talent to play for them, but because you are fat. Look at pictures of rockers you aspire to be like, no fat guys to be seen. You are a good enough drummer to impress any of these musicians but they won't even consider you once they see you. And no amount of great auditions will change that. Trust me, I've been there. And the rejection will hurt, a lot.

Hockey's been fun, you're known as a good goaltender among the coaches and players. But you're carrying too much weight and getting equipment that fits you properly is hard on mom. She doesn't have the money to buy new so finding used equipment that is large enough is almost impossible. And you're too slow to move and react to the play, not only are you carting around 50 or more pounds of equipment on your frame, you're carrying all that fat! No wonder you can't move well. Your size does help you in stopping pucks at times, but you're limited and you can be better.

You need to get it together and lose the weight while you're still young and able to. Your metabolism is faster, you've got youth and energy on your side, and your body will shrink down properly as you lose the weight. You've been to the gym, you know what its about. But you need to focus on what you're doing there. Those aerobic classes are a good source of exercise but you need to do more in the gym. Find an elliptical or run on the treadmill, burn those calories!

As for your diet, you need to change a few things. Stop having a couple of sandwiches for a snack in the evening, in fact, cut back on the bread altogether. Learn to like diet pop, you just need to adjust your taste buds. Avoid chips and other salty snacks, they are only helping to bring you down. Get off the juice and enjoy real fruit, you will develop a taste for it and it will happen fast. Eat salad, find a low calorie dressing and enjoy that. Discover roasted veggies, green, red and yellow peppers with mushrooms and zuchinni, this will become a passion for you but you should try it now, not later. Stop the pizza!! It has to be the worst thing you're eating and it will become a nasty habit. If you get a handle on it now, this won't be an issue.

Learn moderation, enough with the all or nothing thinking. There will be pizza tomorrow, same with hamburgers, bread, chips, etc. You can enjoy things in smaller quantities, I know it tastes so good and one is never enough, but you have to find a way of portioning out the foods you love and crave so that you don't continue to battle your weight over the remainder of your lifetime. You're seeking refuge in food, looking for comfort in eating. But I assure you, if you get it together now, you'll be happier and your self esteem will grow. You won't need artificial comfort, you will have friends and women. Your social circle will grow because you won't feel like an outsider anymore and you're young enough to make these changes easier.

I've suffered the pain of being overweight, the rejections, the humiliations, the loneliness, the insecurity, the ridicule. You think you have it bad now? Just wait a little longer. It does get worse. Your life will come to a standstill both personally and professionally. You will suffer throught many weight loss programs and a surgery you will come to regret. It will almost cost you your life eventually. But you can avoid all that and give both of us a chance at a happier existence. Your remaining teenage years and your 20's don't have to be wasted. You can make it happen. I know that light bulb hasn't gone off in your head yet, in fact it won't until you're in your early 30's and by that time, much damage will have been done. Damage that cannot be undone despite the best intentions of those who love you, in particular one who you will come to love like no other.

No, the change must be made now and it must be made by you. No doctor, family member or friend will make the change for you. It will be hard, I won't lie. Working out daily is tough, dieting is tougher. But don't think of it as a diet, it's not a diet. It's a lifestyle change, a lifestyle that healthy, fit people live. And healthy fit people have better lives than fat ones do. You want to be accepted, being fit will help in that. People like you, but you're introverted and quiet. You know its only because you don't want people to notice you, because you know they'll notice the fat. It doesn't have to be that way. There is a better way and a better life waiting for you. Reach deep within yourself and find that spark. Use whatever motivation you need, be it social acceptance, women, a desire to just look good, health, whatever it takes. Do this and I promise your life will get infinitely better. It has to.

Good luck.

Me.

Overheard an interesting conversation the other day at they gym between two middle aged guys in the cardio area. They were talking about whether it's easier to work out in the mornings or later in the day. They both agreed that working out later in the day was easier, but one preferred getting his workout done in the mornings to "get it out of the way".

I have to agree. I find getting up in the morning and heading to the gym first thing to be a labourious chore; you're not awake yet, you're clumsy and foggy and barely operating in first gear. I think many people feel this way when heading to work in the mornings, they don't really find their stride until maybe an hour or more into the day. This isn't too much of an issue in the workplace, but at the gym, it's death. Finding the will to exert yourself and work through your routine first thing in the morning requires true commitment, and even then, something more.

I'm committed to hitting the gym every morning Monday to Friday, but many days I just want to stay in bed. When I arrive, I don't have the drive to push myself, and I'm doing cardio! All I have to do is climb up onto the elliptical and start pedalling. But why is this so hard? Resentment over having to get up out of my nice, warm, comfy bed? Maybe. I resent rising to an alarm clock anyway so doing so just to go to the gym doesn't help. Exhaustion? No, I get roughly 8 hrs sleep a night give or take. And I sit down for a living, which while that does create a tendency to doze off due to inactivity, isn't physically strenuous. Just not awake yet? Probably. Like I said, you just aren't yourself at that hour, I know I'm still clumsy and foggy and I'm definitely not a morning person. I prefer to get up (on my own), and just sit and wake up slowly, preferably with a cup of coffee and something to read.

Last Wednesday I attended the gym after work as Red had an Ab Attack class she attends and I figured it was an opportunity to get some weight lifting in, plus my morning workout had been lacklustre as a result of feeling tired and foggy and I felt an need to do a bit more despite also having been participating in cardio classes most evenings as well. This was also when I overheard the gentlemen discussing the pros and cons of morning/afternoon workouts.

I have to admit, I felt great on the elliptical, burned through two 25 minute sessions and another 20 minutes on the bike. Nothing like my morning experiences. I also lifted a few weights before meeting up with Red after her class. What a difference a few hours makes! I was awake, alert and had energy, just like when I attend those cardio classes. But my schedule makes it hard for me to give up those morning routines. The reason I attend in the mornings is because Red works at 7 am so she's up at 5:30 and in bed around 9pm. I work at 9am so I don't have to be in bed before 11pm if I don't want to. In order to square up our schedules, I chose to get up early and hit the gym so that we could spend our evenings together. And it's been a good choice overall, I go most days which was a problem when I was going in the evenings, too many other options at that time. At least with the mornings, I'm consistent even if I'm struggling most mornings with the workout. And it allows us to attend those cardio classes together which I love. Plus, there's fewer people there in the mornings so you can always get the equipment or machines you want without delay whereas in the evenings, it's much busier and you can spend a lot of time waiting.

I didn't go this morning as Red had been up most of the night sick and felt the need to see a doctor finally. I had woken up a couple of hours before my normal time and couldn't get back to sleep knowing she wasn't well until she left for the emergency department. I figured I'd just grab some breakfast before heading to the gym, but then decided to just go back to bed since I knew I'd be at the gym tonight and could catch up on what I missed. I guess going twice a day has this benefit. If I miss one workout, I can still make it up later that day.

I'm a bit worried though that I'm taking advantage of this situation. Not so much in missing my morning workouts as I haven't yet, but of allowing myself to eat more because I am at the gym more often. In addition to going in the mornings Monday thru Friday, I'm also taking cardio classes Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and spending another hour and a half on Wednesday evening while Red is in her ab class. That's 9 visits a week and that doesn't include any visits we might make on the weekend. This abundance of gym attendance has given me the notion that I can eat more since I burning more. It isn't much more, a sandwich from the cafeteria at lunch along with my salad or soup, or an indulgence in the evenings, say a Drumstick ice cream cone. Normally I don't do this, but lately I have been and I'm worried about it.

The nice advantage to Red joining the gym and us attending cardio classes was that it was extra time in the gym for me to burn off what I normally ate and help me with my weight loss struggles (or battles) since I've been up and down the scale with alarming frequency the last few months. But my inner fat guy is seeing this as an opportunity to enjoy a few things I don't usually allow myself. For instance, when I was up this morning, I enjoyed a bowl of Corn Flakes and some grapes, something I never do during the week. For lunch I decided to have a can of Chunky soup and my salad along with my apples for snacks. Well leave it to me to decide that since I won't be home after work, instead going straight to the gym, I won't be eating anything substantial to get me through both the day and a workout so I should get something more filling. And what did I choose to do? I headed over to Subway for a turkey sub. Not the worst thing a person could do, but certainly something I didn't need to do. So at this writing, I've eaten all 4 of the apples and the sub, not to mention the Corn Flakes and grapes from 5:30am. My soup remains on my desk unopened and my salad sits in the fridge. I'm not hungry so I doubt I'll eat anything else, but I do suffer from that mid afternoon hunger, is it really hunger or just boredom? So I might just eat that salad then. I don't think I'll touch the soup. Once I'm home tonight, probably close to 7, I'll need to figure out dinner. It can't be something heavy since I've eaten a bowl of cereal and a full sub, but it'll need to be something substantial. We do have some roasted veggies and a meat patty leftover from last night plus there's still some stir fry left from the weekend so I think I'll be alright. But Red chose to stay home from work so I don't know what she might be planning. Either way, I need to be smart here.

So we got the weight and measurements done last Saturday. I came in at 214lb and my measurements were not a surprise. I had Red take some pictures of me from the front, side and back, just to have a reference point later on when I'm wondering if there's a difference visually. I figure i'll have pics done every month but I'm not completely sold on that idea yet. When I saw the pics, I saw a totally different me than the one I see in the mirror every day. I don't know if it was the lighting or the way cameras take pictures, but I looked terrible, all flabby and gross looking. My man boobs seemed to jut out even worse than I thought, the roll around my waist seemed more pronounced and sickening than I perceived. Red said they didn't reflect how i actually looked and that they are not how people see me. But how does she know that? Nobody but her, and the beach goers in Cuba, know what I look like without a shirt on. A couple of summers ago, we spent the day up at her parents pool and I was terribly self conscious of how i looked. Thankfully there was only her parents there, I don't think I would have felt comfortable had any of her siblings been around.

Anyway, I downloaded the pics into a folder on her computer and immediately deleted the pics from the camera lest somebody accidentally come across them. The last thing I need is for someone to be glancing at pics and come across this mishapen John Merrick looking abomination in his red underwear. Talk about losing your lunch! There is definitely a difference in how i look in the mirror and how I look in those pics. Maybe the digital camera causes your imperfections to be more pronounced....then again maybe I really do look like that and I just think I look differently. Either way, it made me never want to take my shirt off again.

We're just over 2 weeks into our new regimen and neither of us are seeing a weightloss on the scale, although Red said her pants felt better. I would take that as a positive as the scale isn't always true about what is actually going on with your body. I'm thinking the cardio classes are building some lean muscle tissue and that is offsetting any scale losses right now. My own body feels tighter, even if it doesn't look it. I had hoped to see at least a couple of pounds or more off by now as I've been getting in about 9 visits to the gym per week since this began. I'm going to need to see something soon or I really am going to lose my shit.

Another thing I'm finding besides the physical exhaustion is that I'm hungrier in the day now. This has led me into our workplace cafe for toasted turkey sandwiches in the mornings. Not every morning, but a few. Added up, they aren't bad calorie wise, but in the context of a full day, they are an extra 400 calories give or take i could do without. Maybe this is where my weightloss is? I don't feel like i'm eating more than before other than the sandwich. I need to get that under control, but what to do about this hunger? I think with the extra workout, my body is just needing more. But at what cost? I'll have to see what the scale brings tomorrow and maybe rethink what i'm doing.

Still no real cravings, which is nice, but I'm still munching when I'm not hungry in the evenings. It's mostly fruit but one of the things I enjoy is a banana smoothie and sometimes when i make one, I'm not even hungry. I just want it. Why is that? Its not a bad thing to drink, couple of bananas, cup or 2 of 1% milk and some splenda with ice. I could probably cut down to 1 banana and cup of milk, but I'm not known for my portion control. This is my biggest problem. Need to get a handle on it.

I'm sore. I ache all over. And I'm physically tired.

It's been 2 weeks since we joined the new gym and started taking cardio classes together. So far it's going well, we're hitting about 3 classes a week after work, Red has her ab class on Wednesday and I'm in the gym in the mornings. Tonight while she's in her class, I'm going to hit a strength and toning class on my own since I didn't do much this morning and don't want to lose out. I almost didn't go as my body is probably telling me to slow down, but I really don't see myself as over working. It isn't that hard to do a couple of 20-25 minute stints on the ellliptical and another 20 minutes on a bike. But when you're feeling out of gas, it's asking a lot. This morning, I rode the bike for 30 minutes and lifted some weights, but I should have done more. Hence the toning class tonight.

One of the few issues we're having, is that the facility we take these classes at isn't as close to home as we'd like. The facility we signed up at and where I go in the mornings is only 10 minutes away but they don't offer the variety or number of classes as the other facility, so we're stuck making this 20 minute trek in rush hour traffic, which can potentially become much longer depending on traffic flow. Another issue is that our Salsa dance class is at the same facility on Tuesday nights at 8:30 and the cardio class we like is at 6 which means we have to figure out what to do between 7 and 8:30. It doesn't make much sense to go home then return, but we can't just not eat either. Red's home earlier than I am so she can eat before we leave. I suppose I have time, as long as I get home by 5, to grab something before class to get me through, but it's a problem to be solved.

So far, we've taken a cardio tone, strength and tone, steps and reps, and something called a low core class. We like them all except for the step class, too confusing. I'd taken one a few years ago just for the experience, but I found it hard to follow and spent so much time concentrating on performing the routine (badly) and keeping up, that I neglected the arm movement (important) and didn't feel like I got a workout at all. I warned Red about it but she dismissed it as just me being crazy. I mean, how hard could it be? You step up then you step down again. Easy. Ya right.

It isn't the stepping up and down that's so hard, it's the routine the instructor does. She's mixing it up, step left, swing right leg out, drop right leg, step down with left, up with right, knee raise with left, step down with left, step down with right, step right, step left, do something with your arms, left knee raise, now do doubles, cross the stepper, step left, step right, swing your arms......etc. At least with a regular aerobic class it's easier to follow. But for whatever reason, the step class isn't so easy. The instructor even warned us that it takes 5 to 10 classes to get the routine down. 5 to 10! Somehow I don't see that as a selling point. Anyway, after stumbling our way through this equivalent of a quantum physics class, Red saw my point. We won't be doing that again.

Since our membership to this facility was only for a month, we'll be changing things up again in 2 weeks when our Goodlife membership activates. From what I saw of the classes schedule, they offer many good classes at good times for us and the gym is closer to home so our travelling time will be cut. One of the problems we're having as well is cooking dinner. Since many of the classes we like are offered at 6, there isn't much time to prepare a decent meal beforehand. If we wait until after, we're looking at at least an hour before eating and that makes for a late dinner, especially for Red who doesn't eat during the day usually. We're working out solutions to this like cooking the day before and reheating, or fixing simpler quick meals, but many of the meals we enjoy take a bit of time. One of my favourites, roasted veggies, requires the cutting and marinating of the veggies for about an hour before cooking. And throwing something together on what we call "munching night" isn't always a good solution; there's a tendency to overeat. But we're smart people, we'll get it under control.