It's Friday! So I've stopped getting on the scale every day which is something I never used to do anyway but for some reason began doing a couple of weeks ago and I don't recommend it. Too hard on the soul when you think you've had a good day but the scale says you're up 1-2lbs, down 1 the next and then up another 1 the day after that. No thanks. I decided to weigh myself twice a week, once on Monday morning and then again on Friday morning. I could just weigh myself on either Monday or Friday but I'm more on my game during the week with watching what I eat and hitting the gym each day. I'm not too bad anymore on the weekends, but its funny how a few beers on a Saturday night or that slice or two of pizza I treated myself to can really screw me up.
Which brings me to today. Drumroll please........203.5lbs. Now last week about Tuesday or so I was 205.5lbs and I pretty much stayed there despite going up a pound then losing that pound again until this week when I finally dropped to 204.5 mid week and then to 203.5. Overall, I'm satisfied with that. That's a loss of 2lbs over a little more than a week. Good by any measure. But I can't help but feel frustrated because I hit 202lbs just before my holidays in late June so its taken me about a month to burn off the extra weight I gained during that 11 day span. Not to mention the fact that I was 207 just before the Christmas holidays came around and I really blew it there, but I've mentioned that before. So in reality, I've only really lost the weight I managed to gain during Xmas and Easter and vacation when, if I had of been smart and shown some more willpower, I could have been 190-195lbs by now, which is basically my goal.
I've often thought of tracking my weight loss with a graph or spreadsheet just to see how it actually ebbs and flows each week and month. When I started this latest battle in September, I was 226lbs. By the second week of December, I was 207lbs. That's pretty frickin' good! But since then, its been a long slow process thanks to my inner fat guy sabotaging me. There's gotta be some way of dealing with him. I mean its like he's a whole other entity inside of me, with his own mind and will. And he's clever, oh yes he is a clever one. I never named him though maybe I should, but then that might look schizophrenic. But if I had to, I'd probably call him "Jerkass".
Years ago as a teenager, my doctor referred me to a holistic doctor. These doctors practice more natural methods of healing and explore the interconnection of mind, body and spirit. One exercise he had me do was to role play with myself. He'd create a situation, say one where I'm craving or wanting something to eat, then have me have a conversation with myself (including sitting in different chairs to represent the different "personalities" within). The idea was to discover how and what was leading to me giving in to my desires and through that, learn to quash them. It was awkward at first, I mean I talk to myself all the time but I don't answer, and he encouraged me to confront the personality pushing the craving.
Usually I'd end up arguing with myself, which was quite bizarre, and at a certain point he'd ask how I felt and I'd say something to the effect of "I want to hit him" like it was a whole other person. So he'd place a pillow on the other chair and tell me to hit it as hard and as often as I liked. I can't say I felt much better afterward, slightly embarrassed might be more accurate, but it was an approach. I think I saw him a few times, then I just stopped.
I think being a fat person is like being an alcoholic. You will always be a fat person inside just as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. You will always have to watch your weight, always have to make sure to stay active somehow to burn off extra calories since your body simply doesn't do enough of a good job, always have the cravings, always fight to stay good because its so easy to fall off the wagon and once you do, its very hard to climb back on. Then there's the guilt; the guilt of indulging in something junky, of eating more than a normal sized serving or having seconds, of missing the gym one day, of sitting on your butt all day, etc. You're always hyper aware of the calories in foods and if you're not sure, you're Googling them to see. Something as simple as enjoying a bag of popcorn and a soda at the movies becomes a source of bitterness and not because of its inflated price. Unless you are one of those rare few who learn to control their cravings and only indulge in a small taste to satisfy your needs, you will spend your days wanting what you cannot have. Or at least in the amounts you want it.
I mean who wants just a bite of a candy bar? Or the serving size of a half cup of ice cream? Or one 3oz. porkchop? Or one cup of spaghetti? That's just silly! I'm still hungry!! No wonder diets fail. But then again, its not a diet we're supposed to be on, its a lifestyle change. What I wouldn't give for a revved up metabolism. I hate thin people.
No comments:
Post a Comment