getting better

202.5lbs. I'm all over the place this week. 203 last Friday, 205 Wednesday, now 202. It would appear I have no idea just what my actual weight is, but since Friday is official weigh in day, I have to take 202. In the scheme of things, it's probably about right. I know I'm over 200, have been for about a month now. I know I'm not 205, that was probably bloat. I'm probably about 202-203 which is where I've been for the past 2 weeks.

So the last two days have been fine, snacking has been reduced to fruit and a few crackers. I've been good at lunch, no sandwich purchases, so I think that's helping. What I noticed though, is the larger presence of bread in my diet the last while. When I was losing and doing well, bread wasn't part of the equation. Sure, we did Subway twice a week, but that was essentially it. Little rice, little potato, and basically no bread. The last few weeks? Bread, bread, bread! We did pizza a few times which is a killer on so many levels, lasagna one night which involved a loaf of fresh baked bread which I ate most of (god it was good), I made pancakes for breakfast one morning (bad combination of a bread product and maple syrup), pizza slices regularly during lunch or when we would be out, and those sandwiches I was buying at work for lunch. Add it all up and you get a lot of bread. And you know they say that bread is bad. Well, I believe that whole heartedly.

And it's a shame because I love bread. It's the basis for so many meals, it goes with just about everything and if it's missing from the table, it just feels wrong. When we do splurge and buy a loaf of fresh baked goodness, it goes quickly. Red has more willpower than me, she'll indulge but nothing like I do. That's why i don't buy it. I try not to have buns in the house, too easy to make sandwiches. We keep a a loaf of bread in the freezer just in case so that tends to last a while, but fresh baked bread? It doesn't stand a chance.

I think if i can keep my bread intake down to a minimum like before, I'll be fine again. The chocolate thing, while still there, is waning. I still want it, but after I've had it, I don't feel that sense of satisfaction and, in fact, I feel sick. I just don't enjoy it. So why go there then? I don't know! Why do any of us do things that only hurt us? Red made a comment that we fetishize food. She's right. I think all fatties do it. Its the one thing you can count on, it's always there and it makes you feel better, at least while you're eating it. I won't mention the guilt, the self loathing that comes after. It's our best friend, our confidante, our lover. It'll never cheat on you, nor will it ever let you down. It's the perfect companion, except for the fact that it makes you fat and inspires bitterness and shame in you.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. We're going to Red's parent's house. There'll be turkey, potatoes, some type of veggie, bread, gravy and god knows what else her mother conjures up. I'm told there'll be pie, pumpkin pie this year, among others. Last year she didn't make a pumpkin pie, I'm still bitter about that. Who has Thanksgiving dinner without pumpkin pie? Its like not cooking a turkey. All I have to say is there had better be pumpkin pie this year or I cannot be responsible for what may happen. I do realize that demanding pumpkin pie is ridiculous considering how much bitching I've been doing the past month about my weight and that I'd be better off without it, but its Thanksgiving. And you can't have Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie. I won't stand for it.