What's average?

I find myself looking into the mirror often, searching for changes in my body as I navigate this thing called weightloss. Sometimes, I look bloaty, my belly fuller and rounder than normal, other times it seems deflated which makes my whole body look droopy and out of shape. My face seems to go from looking round to more angular, or about as angular as my face gets, then seems puffy again. About the only thing that never seems to change is my ass and legs. Even at my biggest, I never had big legs and a flat ass seems to be a family trait.

I really noticed a flatter tummy last December when I was first around 207lbs. At that time, I had lost about 20lbs since September and it really showed. I thought I looked "thinner" and so did Red, who before all this professed to have not noticed my round belly (funny how losing some weight can change someone's perspective, of course so is being blinded by love). But these days, being about 203-205lbs, I seem bigger than that. Somedays my body seems deflated and I look to be down a few pounds, other times, I'm bloaty. But the thing is, I'm actually lighter than I was in December and yet, I think I look bigger.

I can remember feeling really great about my loss then, showing myself off to family and feeling confident about my looks. A couple of people at work even commented on my loss. But now, almost a year later, I don't see it. Is it possible that you get so used to seeing yourself that you no longer see what's really there? Can your perspective be lost over time? How can I be lighter than I was before yet see myself as bigger? Could it be because I've been almost 10lbs lighter since then and my perspective has adjusted to seeing anything over 200lbs as fat?

I'm notorious for checking myself out in a mirror, windows when walking around outside, anywhere I can get a reflection. It's something I inherited from my dad, some kind of insecurity I'm sure, and I'm always judging myself. And I know I'm harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be, it seems nobody else sees the fat guy I do. And the engagement photos from a couple of weeks ago? Proof positive I'm pudgy. Now come on, nobody in their right mind could possibly look at me and not see a small weight problem. I'm hardly thin or thin looking, you can't miss the roll around my waist nor my wonderful man-boobs depending on the shirt I'm wearing ( I don't go shirtless in public for this very reason). Depending on what I'm wearing, I look fairly average, but to say I don't have a weight problem? Nonsense! I mean if you are talking about obesity and people who are obviously very overweight, then no, I don't have a problem anymore. But to deny I am a good 20lbs overweight? Sorry, but you'd be wrong.

I get this from various people in my life. My sister wonders why I'm still trying to lose weight. She's known me forever and has seen me at my biggest and my thinnest. She thinks I'm about right. Red sees me as about right too although she understands that need to lose that nagging 10lbs that seems to keep you in its devious grip. Her mom, a nurse and therefore should know better, thinks I'm crazy for thinking I'm overweight. Has being 20lbs overweight as the average for many people become that normal that its no longer considered fat? Have we become so conditioned to seeing people with a roll hanging over their belts like a muffintop, or a round face, that we think that's what we're supposed to look like?

I've always thought it was ironic that as I was finally losing weight to look normal, the population was actually becoming fatter, like a role reversal. Back in the day when I was obese and going out, you didn't see many fat chicks at the clubs, they all seemed thin and sexy, same too with many guys. But now, the club is full of fat chicks. And not just the middle aged women, the young ones are just as bad, stuffed into shiny or cut off tops that only exaggerate their fat midsections and rolls. When I was online dating, many women were overweight yet in their descriptions of themselves, they declared themselves "average". Average? Of course, the excuse is "the average dress size has gone up to a 12 or 14 and since I'm a 12 or 14, that makes me average." Guess it depends on what side of the coin you're on.

I know I'll never be thin looking and my body will never be "buff" looking due to all the loose skin hanging off me, but my hope is that by working out with weights, I'll grow enough muscle to help fill out my upper body and minimize the flabby look I've cultivated. It should help with the way my shirts and leather jacket fit too which would be nice since when my body looks deflated, I kind of look pathetic really (shirtless). Of course, my dad looks like this too, except that he's never been fat, so he doesn't have the hanging skin and roll. I suppose its just a family body trait that I should accept, and maybe if I looked like my dad more bodywise, I might feel better about it. But for now, it's demoralizing. I haven't approached the scale since Friday, somehow I'm afraid of what I might see. I've been good for the most part and I've worked hard at the gym. It would be nice to see something positive.