199.5lbs. Yep, that's right, 3 extra pounds this week. Guess it's better than the 5 extra pounds I've been seeing all week, but still, its a gain and a shame. I really wasn't worried about Vancouver last weekend as the last time we went, I was fine. But this time was different. This time we were on our own for most of it, well, all of it really. Last time, we stayed with our hosts for the weekend so we only really ate during mealtime. And we walked all over downtown Vancouver which is quite large. This time, we walked, but we also sat down for beers at a patio, stopped for pizza slices a couple of times, ate chocolate bars, drank more beer and rum, enjoyed a buffet at the wedding which included deep fried foods, ate donuts and it didn't stop when we got home Sunday night.
Feeling hungry for dinner, we stopped for a pizza. Then the week began. I'm in a course this week and its catered so there's a tray of muffins, donuts, cookies and such in the room all day. And yes, I've eaten a donut and a cookie, or two, or three. Why? I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does seafood stink to high Heaven? Its not like I haven't brought my usual fruit and salad for the day. I've just been in a weird mood lately where food is concerned. And Red is feeling the same. So we're both sitting there during the evening munching. Sure, we're munching on grapes and pineapple as per usual, but we're also eating cookies, licorice and mini crisps.
And that's not all: I missed the gym Monday and Thursday. Monday I can excuse, we didn't sleep much in Vancouver so by Sunday night, we were exhausted and grabbing an extra hour and a half in bed was necessary. But Thursday, I was just plain lazy. The alarm went off and I just lied there. Red was up getting ready but I just didn't want to. So I stayed in bed the extra 1 1/2hr. Don't even talk to me about the guilt. Plus, on Wednesday, I only did 2/3 of my routine, so overall, it's been a horrid week. I did jump on the scale just out of morbid curiousity Wednesday morning, hoping the damage wasn't too bad and was shocked to see 201.5lbs. Five pounds!?! How in Hell did that happen!?! Fortunately Red was up too which made me feel a bit better. She even tried to blame flying on having an effect on your body, she was kidding of course. The sad part of it all was that instead of strengthening my resolve, I went into the gym and put in a half hearted effort. Then I had a donut at the course.
But for some reason, I'm not feeling too bad about it. Maybe its because I know its only a blip and that I'll take it off again. It sucks taking a step or two backwards but I guess its part of life. I'm confident i'll lose the extra 10-15lbs i want to lose before the wedding next September, there's no rush. I think therein lies my problem: I'm so used to looking at weight from the dieting perspective; can't eat this, can't eat that, must hit the gym 5-6 times a week, must lose at least 2 or more pounds to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Ferchrissakes, I'm not a big fat cow anymore! I'm an average sized guy carrying a few extra pounds which I can lose through the healthier and smarter eating I've learned over the past year. Add to that regular visits to the gym and i'm already way ahead of so many who are struggling with this.
I really am so hard on myself. I know it. I wish I wasn't but I am what I am. Everyone around me sees a very different me than I do. My perspective is so warped I don't think I even see the real me. Red sees me, the me that everyone else sees; The me I can't see. I guess when you come from a negative background where everyone only focuses on the bad things, you don't know how to see things in their proper perspective. My weight has always been an issue for me, long before I was even cognizant of it. And it has shaped my attitudes about myself. I am much more than my weight, I just wish I believed it.
So this weekend we are heading to Red's parents place for her dad's birthday. There'll be beer and cake. Fuck it, I'm in.
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